Sister Act II                                           

 Some of you probably realize that I have experienced a less than desirable connection with Silmalila (Juliet) and Afrikitty (Liz) in the last few months. For the sordid yet accurate details, you can read my first post called: SisterAct. Naturally, my account of what transpired never sat well with either woman or their most loyal friends. They are all very mad at me and not only have railed that I betrayed them for giving the account of what happened but furthermore, have claimed even with my evidence, that I not only possess a vivid imagination but have completely lied about them. Of course I have shared my account in the hope one or both might come to her senses but that certainly has not happened. I am not exaggerating at all. These two women might actually be saved but as it turned out, they are quite like a couple of parallel freight trains that seems to keep derailing. All within the last few short months. At least all we are aware. I cringe to think of the trail of trouble they have left behind them. Now it gets even worse. The other week I saw a comment on YT that caused my curiosity and enquiry. Apparently, Silmalila was greatly bothering a good friend of mine that was once a friend of hers. They are no longer friends. Silmalila and Afrikitty also came into a serious dispute with this lady and they both promptly blocked her as they had done with me, disabling any ability to properly communicate with them and possibly attempt to resolve the matter. My friend did not take them to task as I eventually did in my case. Rather, she held back for the sake of her daughter and allowed them to falsely smear her name all over the web. Now get this; the lady they caused grief with, is a very well respected and considerably gentle saint who is strong in her faith and is circumspectful and respectful in her every action. She is always attempting to do what is right and the best I can tell remains faultless. She is not in the least an arrogant person or one that will cause or manufacture strife with anyone. I have never come to know a woman who appears more Godly than this woman. This friend of mine is an unusually remarkable saint who anyone would be honored to know. She is a graceful woman. She is my friend and I love her and that is especially why I investigated what was happening to her. Though her and I had a growing friendship while all this was going on, she never breathed a word to me and I never did to her either about my situation with them. So all the while my situation was going on, so was her situation with them. So I asked her to tell me what they were doing, as I also was having problems with them. I almost fell over when she wrote me back and explained everything for the very first time. This is her exact account to me with all the victims names changed for some level of privacy because there are a few. It is my idea to post and she knows I am posting this. I politely asked her to step aside so I can try to help clear her name and restore some peace to this mother and daughter. Brace yourself and if you don’t have a while to read this, than I will suggest you come back when you can afford the time because these two women are out of control and I really feel sorry for these victims involved; I feel way worse for them than I ever did for myself as my situation was not very emotional or as damaging. They are considerably out of line and way overdue for repentance: 

 Dear Ambrose,

    This is going to be a novel and you may be sorry you asked…but here is the truth and I pray you will believe me.

    Yes, Juliet is giving me a rough way to go. You know, I thought about writing you about it but was worried you might think I was a gossip so I said nothing. Please don’t think her attack is because of you although your name was mentioned. I quickly put an end to that. Now here is the whole story. I have a daughter named Eve and she is 19 years old and very beautiful…I think so anyway. A few months ago Eve asked me if I had any friends on YT about her age that she could be friends with. I told her a few and one of them was a young man named Jackson. He and Eve became friends and Jackson thought she was very beautiful. Eve thanked him for the comment and they chatted every once in awhile on social networking. A few days later (after he had told Eve she was pretty) Juliet sends me this message about how angry she is with Jackson because he thanked Zeke for helping him learn about the Reformed faith. She was livid! She says SHE taught both him and his father James about Calvinism and she converted him and she didn’t like it that Jackson thanked Zeke for what she had done. There was no reasoning with her about it. She went to a lot of our channels griping because Jackson did not thank her!! She wanted the praise for it. Finally I got tired of it and just flat out told her that Zeke DID help Jackson understand it better (Jack had told Eve this) and that he did not mean to upset Juliet, he was making the video for Zeke’s Calvinism channel and just naturally thanked Zeke for helping him. I told her to stop it, it doesn’t matter who taught it to him, what mattered was that he accepted it and I told her to stop trying to take the credit for it because the credit, praise and glory all belongs to God. She settled down after that and apologized to me. But I’d still come across her comments on others channels about it. I just let it drop. Somehow both Liz and Juliet found out that Jackson had told Eve she was pretty and they started to talk about how pretty Jack thought THEY were. The next thing I know, Juliet is desperately trying to get me to block Jackson and to tell Eve to block him also. Juliet said he was a pervert and had come on to her and Liz once. Seeing as these two women were my friends I believed them. I did remove Jack from my friend’s list but I refused to block him. Eve refused to do either. I got to feeling bad about it and sent him another friend invite which he accepted. That didn’t go over too well with Liz and Juliet. Juliet especially kept telling me how pretty Jackson thought SHE was. One of them, I can’t remember which, it may have been Liz but I am not sure, but one of them told me that Jack had even mentioned marrying one of them!!? What? I mean, he’s 20 years old and they are over 50! I said to them that it was only a friendship that she was maintaining with him. He was cool with that. But Juliet and Liz…my goodness!! They kept after me and kept after me to make Eve block him. I said no, Eve is 19 years old and I am not going to pick her friends for her, she does a good job with that on her own and if she wants to be friends with Jackson then that was up to her. They still continued to tell me to block him, which I refused to do. There had been nothing perverse or out of hand with him. And that was that and they should just drop it. Then I lost my internet. I knew it was going to happen because my husband was laid off from his job and we had to let some things go….satellite, phone and internet. (We have a cell phone) but that we wouldn’t be offline very long. We were offline for about two months. We were finally able to get the internet back. And we came back on YT and no one would talk to us. It was strange. I did ask Sanford about it and asked him if Juliet had said anything to him about us and he said no. So I thought I was being too sensitive and let it go. Still, hardly anyone of my friends would have anything to do with me. I know how Juliet is because I’ve seen her rip friends apart before for NOT AGREEING with her and she’d often get upset if I didn’t write her (every single) day. She was annoying to say the least but I did try to be her friend and when we got back online I rarely heard anything from her, which was odd. Then about a month ago Eve and Jack were on Facebook at the same time and she was making a video for Sanford and she asked Jack if she could tag him to make the one after hers. I had tagged Eve when I made mine. Jack said he would and then he asked her how she felt about people SAYING that they were being perverted together on Facebook and YouTube. Umm…that did not go over too well! I knew EXACTLY who started that sordid rumor even before Eve finished telling me about it. I realized it was Juliet and Liz. Jackson had told Eve that Liz said that Juliet had been saying that he and Eden were being suggestive sexually online with each other. Yet Eve is waiting for marriage and does not date very often because guys usually only want one thing and she won’t give it to them. So this was a real slap in the face to her!! Jackson said Liz had told him that Juliet was telling her all this stuff about the two of them and that she wanted to know if it were true. As if it would be her business. He said no BUT….he had indeed read messages I’d sent to Juliet and he did tell Eve what I’d said to Juliet…And of course she embellished it and added more to it than what I had said. Jackson told Eve what Liz and Juliet had been telling him. And then Eve told me. And I got mad! I mean I got so mad…and I lit into her and I was not nice about it. Here is my daughter, who is a Christian and waiting for marriage, who nearly died last year from an asthma attack and now has heart problems and she’s always sick and then this stuff gets said about her that isn’t true and Juliet KNEW about all the health problems Eve was having and she was telling Liz and who knows who else that she was acting like some pervert on the internet!!! Yeah…it didn’t go over very well with me. I probably should have waited until I’d cooled down more but I acted immediately. She was supposed to be my friend and here she was, while I was offline, bad mouthing my daughter who was not even able to get online and defend herself!

Juliet finally wrote me and swore she didn’t do anything. I had cooled down some by then and told her I was sorry for being harsh and for saying things I maybe should not have, but I was getting to the bottom of it and if I found out she was behind it that was it. So she was all whiny and saying how HURT SHE IS and that she hopes I find out the truth. And I did. Boy, did I ever find out. I wrote to Liz and asked her if Juliet had said anything about me or Eve to her. Liz didn’t know that I already knew she had by what Jack had said she’d said to him. She got really nasty…sounding so put off by it and the next thing we knew, Liz removed both me and Eve from her friend list on Facebook and even blocked us. Just like that and I didn’t even accuse her of anything as yet. I just asked what Juliet had said to her. So then I knew Liz was in on it up to her eyebrows. I asked another person and they said Juliet had called and read the letter and they told me that I was also too harsh on her. I said I know I was but I was mad and with reason. Then Juliet goes after Eve. She sent a private message to her on Facebook and wanted to know who told us this stuff about her and Jackson. I hadn’t yet told Juliet it was Jack who told us so she didn’t have a clue who it was that had told us yet. Eve wasn’t telling her so she and Liz BOTH accused YOU of doing this. Juliet had publicly commented about all this on my Facebook wall but didn’t dare mention you to me. She mentioned you to Eve and that made me angry so I publicly posted on my wall to her that no, ‘Ambrose has not said a word to me about you so leave her alone, she is innocent in all of this.’ Liz had already blocked me and I couldn’t tell this to her. Juliet got so upset that I had posted that about you on my Facebook wall and asked me to REMOVE it, which I did, but I knew that her next step was going to be blaming you publicly for the whole mess and I put a stop to that plan by publicly stating that you had NOTHING to do with it. Her plan backfired. I wasn’t going to let her blame it on you because you were completely innocent in the whole thing, in fact, you didn’t even know and I was not going to let you become their scapegoat. I struggled with telling you and almost did a couple of times, but I was so afraid and worried you would think I was a gossip so I didn’t say anything. I’d removed that comment about you AFTER I had cleared your name and nothing else was said about you to me but Juliet and Liz are probably still telling everyone else it was you. I did tell Juliet it was Jackson who told us and I told her he knew things he shouldn’t have known that I’d said to only her, it wasn’t bad, but I had asked her to not say anything and I wanted to know how he knew what I’d said if she hadn’t told him. She REFUSED to answer that. I think she told Liz and Liz told Jack.

I apologized to her for my harsh letter but that I had every intention of getting to the truth and that I better not find out it was her. She got angry then and told me off and then she got nice and said she would need time to get over what I’d done to her! She acted like a martyr and that I couldn’t take back words that I’d already said and I told her I meant what I said but shouldn’t have been so harsh. She then got all high and mighty and said she wasn’t sure I was a Christian and that we were no longer friends and then she blocked me. And so did Liz. BUT…Juliet tried to turn Eve against me. My own daughter! That didn’t go over very well with Eve. Juliet was sending Eve these flower apps on Facebook and gifts on her YoVille game and posted on Eve’s comment page on YoVille about all this and that she would never hurt her…blah, blah, blah…and that she didn’t want Eve to unfriend her because she loved Eve and prayed for her…more blah, blah, blah. Eve became angry because YoVille is more public than a Facebook wall. ANYONE on YoVille can read that comment. Eve wrote Juliet a letter of her own and gave her a chance to defend herself and laid out the accusation and told her that she didn’t appreciate her saying what she’d said about me on whether I was a Christian or not AND that she didn’t want any more public comments made about it, to just keep it between us and let us work it out and Juliet ignored her and Eve wrote her the most PERFECT letter ever about what she’d done and what she’d caused and how unbiblical her behavior had been…you can see that letter also if you want. Instead of Juliet replying, she just blocked Eve too, and to me that was admitting guilt. She knew we’d find out that it WAS her because…well…it WAS her! So she blocked us and trashed me all over YouTube…she left comments to everyone and Eve had asked her to stop doing that and if Juliet really loved her she’d stop talking about her mother the way she was doing all over YT. She’s still doing that, by the way and saying I started a hate campaign against her. I did NOT start a hate campaign against her. I didn’t say anything to anybody about this but that one individual. She has gone to a lot of our mutual friends bashing me so much that I had to remove the friend module and subscriber modules and my own subscription module to keep her from harassing my friends and turning them against me. Sanford knew about it. And that was all I told…Sanford and Gus who she read the message to and the only person Eve talked to about it was Jackson and Sanford. I did apologize to Jack for removing him from my friend’s list that one time and he graciously forgave me; he has always treated me with respect and love and so I owed him an apology and I gave him one.

Juliet was constantly writing Eve about Jackson and about how perverted he was before we lost our internet several months ago. She could not stand Eve being his friend. And Juliet has a disturbing obsession with Jackson’s dad James and said that there were even rumors that Juliet and James were having an affair…only that wasn’t true. No one had ever said any such thing about her and James. I think Juliet is a sick person and Liz is a gossip and trouble maker. They are both too pushy with their opinions and I had taken Juliet to task for the way she treated another friend who had told James he had lost his authority as a preacher because he was having an affair. Juliet ripped that poor woman to shreds! I told her that wasn’t right and that I felt the same way about James as this woman did. He should NOT be allowed to be a pastor anymore because of his affair. He wasn’t divorced yet and was living with this woman and threw his kids out so he could live with her. Juliet backed James to the hilt! I mean, it was disgusting.

So, that is the whole disgusting story. Juliet is still causing me problems over all this and making her snarky little comments whenever Eve or I post about any friend’s video. She is also overtly gushing! All sweetness and charm and I am getting so tired of it.

And one more thing…I just remembered there is another lie I caught Juliet in. You know the picture she uses as her avatar? Not the background picture on her channel, the little picture that she uses of the woman who is very pale, with dark hair and deep blue eyes. She has it on her Facebook also. She was being told how beautiful she was in that picture and she said that was taken in her younger days. Well…this is hilarious…my husband and I went to Walmart the other night and when we were going to the register I noticed a display of movies Walmart had on sale for $4.00. I don’t see so good far away and I saw this one movie and thought…wait…what is this…and I went up closer and it was the movie “Memoirs of a Geisha.” I about fell over…I am dead serious. I told my husband to look at it the picture on the DVD cover. It was that very picture Juliet uses as her avatar that she said was HER in her younger days. It is certainly not! It is the actress in that movie. Google it. Seriously. You won’t believe it until you actually see it. And isn’t it funny that she picked a movie about a Geisha? A Japanese prostitute? Wow! My husband didn’t know what to say because I had shown him her pictures because she is ALWAYS bragging about how beautiful she is. He looked at it then and said that it did not look like the same woman in the newer pics and that she was not beautiful now. He was right. That is not Juliet in the younger picture, but it is Juliet in the newer ones. What is this woman’s problem? She is so focused on herself, always wanting praise and compliments, always rough on those who won’t agree with her and too gushing and obsessive with those who do. An extreme case of personal insecurity.

So, that is the whole story. Ridiculous. Only thing is, people are buying what she’s saying…one friend just ripped Eve apart the other day over it and we haven’t said anything to anybody else except Sanford, the one guy who she’d read my letter to and of course, now you. I was hoping that my silence on the whole fiasco would be a testimonial that I was innocent in whatever gossip she’s dishing out. She has told near EVERYONE about it, made public comments on YT and maybe even on Facebook about me and I haven’t said anything to anyone because I didn’t want to be labeled a gossip and because God doesn’t want us to do these things. I took the proper and biblical steps in this whole ordeal and she did not and yet she is believed and I am not believed. Go figure. Says a lot about some of these Christians on the internet.

I feel like I am being shunned and I did nothing. I wasn’t even online for two months when she did this and they STILL believe her! I have NEVER gossiped to anyone about anything or anyone and still SHE is believed. I don’t get it. I did what God tells us to do and I am still considered guilty. I don’t understand. I never will. I have left it all to God because He KNOWS the truth and He will deal with it and that is fine with me. I am not saying anything to anyone else about it. I am not a gossip OR a whiner and I don’t go about the internet bashing Juliet and Liz for what they did.

 I will show you my letter that I wrote to her where I was considered harsh and I did apologize for but then Juliet made conditions on her forgiveness for me. She made conditions and if I didn’t abide by them then she wouldn’t be my friend. I think it’s called emotional blackmail. I refused to do that. I apologized for how I said it but not for what I said. I was too angry and should have cooled off before I wrote it. But I actually meant every word. She has probably shown it to everyone else and they haven’t asked me for my side of the story and I am not saying unless they ask. I will not play her game and I will not become like her. I can keep a confidence unlike some.

I am sorry if you have figured it was your fault that she came after me. It was not. And I made that quite clear and if I have to, if she is still saying it is you I will PUBLICLY post on my Facebook AND here on YT that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with any of this and it is NOT your fault. I will if you need me. Just let me know. You WILL NOT become their scapegoat and BOTH of them are guilty as sin in this whole mess. Their actions prove it. I just don’t understand why nobody sees this.

 I don’t have a problem with you being KJV only, as we previously talked about. I certainly do not have a problem with that. It is your preference and that is fine. I can’t believe they treated you that way over it and unfriended you because of it! I also use a KJV a lot. I use a NASB and ESV as well. I do NOT care for the NIV or another modern version except for the NASB or ESV. The NIV is just wrong and I cannot read it anymore. I don’t like it, it leaves out verses and rewrites others and I don’t like it. But your being KJV only is NOT a problem. I can’t believe that they tried to make it one. I think we are better off without those women in our lives. They are too high maintenance – especially Juliet – and Liz is too bossy. She was always trying to tell me who my friends could be. And a lot of my friends don’t like Sanford. I like Sanford. He has stuck with me throughout this whole mess. Juliet posted on his channel the other night and he posted on hers. He didn’t realize it was Juliet. He posted again for her to leave me alone when I told him Silmalila was also Juliet. And of course, Gus replied back to him about Juliet. Gus is a convert of Juliet’s. Gus was still married when he and Juliet started becoming more than friends online. I never approved of that…it made me wonder about her salvation and what she has been up to. I am not interested in ruining her life or hurting her. I just want to be left alone. I could retaliate against her and I have my proof to back it up but I won’t because God can fight my battles better than I can. He tells us not to seek vengeance, He will take care of it and I believe him.

I am sorry this is so long. But you deserve to know the whole story and if you have any questions let me know. I appreciate you asking me about this. Everyone else has just assumed. You have not. And that means so much to me that you would not even believe it!! Thank you for being a true friend and sister in Christ. Thanks and God bless!

In Christ,
Karina

My Dearest Sister Ambrose,

Thank you for believing me and for sharing your experience with these women with me as well. I never dreamt that something like this would happen when I befriended these two women. I have been there for them, prayed for them when they were sick, never knowing they were going to stick a knife in my back in the end because that is what they did. I do not fault you for making what happened between you and them public. You had every right to do that. They left you no other way to communicate with them and as you said, when you did this, you were in effect taking two or more as a witness. I did the same, but I did it privately because I didn’t want my daughter to be hurt as she surely would have been by these two scheming women. She would have been maligned all over YouTube and Facebook. If it had been only me, then I probably would have done what you did. I also did not want Jackson battered any more by them. She has publicly stated on her channel that she couldn’t believe I took Jackson’s word over hers because I once said I didn’t trust Jack. I didn’t trust him at first because of what these two said about him and when she proved to be a false friend I did believe Jack because he knew what I said to Juliet in my messages to her. And it wasn’t gossip what I told Juliet about him. When she said he was coming on to her and had even expressed a desire to marry her. Yeah, right. Looking back I see just how ridiculous this is! I was worried about Eve but I said nothing really bad about Jack, nothing improper, just that he had thought Eve was very pretty and they were just friends. This absolutely set Juliet off like a firecracker! That’s when those two began their campaign to get me and Eve to block Jackson, that he was a pervert and so on.

You did indeed stay in Scriptural guidelines. You did exactly what you had to do under the circumstances. And I don’t blame you one bit for doing it. As I said, had my argument with them involved only me, I would have done the same. But Eve and Jackson were involved and I chose the route I chose. I had hoped others would take my silence as a testimony of my faithfulness to God by not causing division in the body or giving others a reason to gossip. She told EVERYONE! And she is STILL telling every one!!

I feel that on YT we are part of a church because we get together with other Christians and fellowship and support each other there. I did follow the biblical guideline when they did wrong to me. I confronted them. How did Liz know what I’d said, in my messages to Juliet about Jackson? She knew because Juliet told her about them. I just sat here and cried one night over the whole thing. It did hurt badly and broke my heart but I am over it now and I don’t miss her at all. It was a relief to me as well when my and her friendship ended. I didn’t have to put up with her constant demanding anymore. And I am so loving that. She would badger me to write her CONSTANTLY. She would post comments on my channel asking if I was angry with her about anything because she didn’t get a letter from me that day. GOOD GRIEF! I didn’t have time to write her everyday. And why should I be expected to? Kinda funny how she would ask if she had made us mad when it was obvious she hadn’t and then when we tell her she has actually mad us mad, she refuses to be responsible in the least. She is also very demanding. And loves to play the victim. She ALWAYS plays the victim. She’d get angry over the slightest comment and gets nasty, just like you said she did. I began to think not all was right in her attic so to speak. She and Liz would beg me also to get Skype or into some chatroom. I didn’t want to do that so I did not. She’d tell me what Liz had told her about Jack and I thought that was wrong. It’s maligning a brother and it’s gossip. Whatever happened to not bearing false witness? I don’t think they know that commandment. I wanted no part of that and I did not do as they asked and get a chatroom or Skype. I think we’re better off without those two in our lives. They are too high maintenance – especially Juliet – and Liz is too pushy. She was always trying to tell me who my friends could be. I will show you my letter that I wrote to her. I did apologize for it but then Juliet made conditions on her forgiveness for me. She made conditions and if I didn’t abide by them then she would not be my friend. I think it’s called emotional blackmail. I refused to do that. I apologized for how I said it but not for what I said. Thank God I didn’t do that! And you’re right, Juliet can drain your energy every time you talk to her and it gets tiring. I told her in that infamous letter I wrote that she was too intense all the time. I also questioned her salvation because she is always doing this to someone. She never has any peace. There has to always be something going on. I still question it. She is always very hateful with those whose comments on videos she doesn’t agree with. She is always in the right. Wrong. It’s a way of her getting constant attention. It always comes back to her. Always. And she is always singing her praises to herself. Always talking about her beautiful clothes ad how pretty she is, etc. Juliet is all about Juliet. I did think she was saved at first too. She knows her theology very well. And perhaps she is saved, I don’t know. I think she is not altogether there. Or maybe she is and just likes to come across as nuts. And how many careers has this woman had? Figure skater, worked in death penalty cases, a private investigator, a model and I can’t remember what else. I personally do not think so. And then two accidents and her hand was detached so she had to have surgery to reattach it? I wonder if that is true. Manic depression and days without sleep. She acts quite crazy. All I know is I am glad to be rid of her and I know that sounds harsh, but she is just impossible to please. No matter what you do, she will question it. She has a PARANOID personality.

Gus did contact me the day after I first wrote Juliet. Her computer was down again. I told him to tell her I am going to apologize for my harsh letter, even though what I said was true, I was too harsh. He was fine with that. So when I apologized to her she writes back with her poor victim attitude and how she’ll need time and went on to lecture me about how words once said can’t be taken back. That made me mad all over again! What about the words she said to Liz and Jack and everybody else about me and my daughter? Those words can’t be taken back either! Ugh! I was not going to use her approach anymore on the comments of people’s videos and I told her so. I told her she’d been very harsh with a lady who did not agree with James’ adultery and his unwillingness to be accountable to anyone about it. She was vicious!! It stunned me. I took her to task for it and she got mad at me, questioned my salvation, said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and unfriended me and blocked me and I didn’t get the chance to defend myself. Liz blocked me too for reasons known only to her because I had only talked to her once about this. This is admissions of guilt on their parts. I truly believe that. And I think it’s the same on their part concerning you. They were guilty and instead of admitting it they shut you off by blocking you too. Just because we can’t contact them doesn’t make them blameless. They are still at fault, they sinned against us, whether they admit it or not. A few days later Gus unfriended me too as he did you.

You and I did actually try to deal with them privately, and then with witnesses and now it is time to go before the internet Church. I am of a clear conscience. Juliet posted some nasty comments about me on her YT channel. Then she posted a very nasty one about you also. I had forgot about that. I just now remembered. She roasted us both…and Eve and Jackson. She took the comments down later on, but wow…I don’t know how many saw it, but we are terrible people according to her. Whatever….actions speak louder than words. That’s what I’ve been depending on. Her frantic commenting and gossiping was showing what kind of person she is and my silence on the issue, I had hoped was a testimony of my innocence. I guess with some that is not good enough. The squeaky wheel gets the attention and she is squeaky.

-Karina

Eve to Juliet on December 7, 2009 at 9:51pm

Hello Juliet,

This whole situation has caused nothing but pain. I think it’s rather ridiculous that this whole thing even happened. As for your message to me on Yoville…sorry about your cookies. But as far as ‘unfriending’ you goes, what would you have me to do? I know that my mom had no twisted motives. As for Jackson, he did not either. Logically, think of it this way: What in the world would Jackson gain by lying about this? I can’t imagine him getting nothing but pain out of this by any stretch of the imagination. Remember, he was accused of something I’m pretty sure no Christian wants to be accused of. It makes no sense for him to even think of lying about such a thing. Also, nothing he has told me has proven false. I’m not accusing you here, but asking: what did you mean that you didn’t read mom’s letter (Karina’s letter) to anyone but Gus and someone else mom doesn’t know when we know for a fact you read it to a friend of mine and mom’s? I just want to know if you did not realize we knew him, or if there is a different meaning behind what you meant there.

I do have to wonder why it is that you were so angry with my mom (Karina)…I read her message to you, and yours to her. She apologized to you, and she only pointed out things to you about yourself that she saw in her own self….she wasn’t justifying herself. She, if anything, was condemning herself and apologizing and telling you how she’d do better in her own dealings with people.

If I am mad at you for anything, I would have to say that it’s over the fact that you questioned my mother’s Salvation, told her not to pray for you and ‘de-friended’ her and then wrote me such a sweet message. She was only trying to sort this all out, and even apologized for being harsh with you to begin with. The only thing I can assume by your not removing me as your friend as well is that you were only angry with my mother, but not with me. However, I cannot pretend you didn’t say hurtful things to mom. I also have to wonder what there is to be gained by posting YouTube comments about my mom and Jackson all over your page? They aren’t going around YouTube talking about you. I have never done nothing to hurt you, and I have to ask that if you really do care about me that you will stop posting such things about my mother and my friend because that hurts me, really badly. I am hurt just as you are by this entire situation. Thank you for your prayers; you have mine as well. However, I do not understand what in the world happened for all of this to have blown up. I’m being as unbiased as possible here, and I still cannot see any fault in my mother. She has been very open with me through all of this. She honestly was sorry for being a bit harsh, but she did mean what she said. I love my mom and know what you accused her of is not her ways and I do not appreciate the accusations made against her, and I see your public YouTube comments about mom, Jackson, and Ambrose as gossip and I am asking you to please stop. It’s not worth it, Juliet. I’m sorry you are hurt, but please remember you are not the only one who is. My mom is not to blame, I know I did nothing, and I see no fault in Jackson here either.

As I’ve said before, you know your own heart, as we all know our own. (Keep in mind that trusting in your own heart is not wise as “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” as we are told in Jeremiah 17:9) Obviously, there is guilt here…and the Lord knows who the guilty party is. Our own consciences will let us know whether we are to blame, and I can honestly say mine is clear. Either way, whoever is at fault will not get away with it because if we are Christians then God chastises those who He loves and if you are not then you will pay the due penalty for your sins. Vengeance is God’s; not ours to take. God will deliver us from our enemies….this is my peace in this situation.

~Eve

Eve to Juliet on December 8, 2009 at 5:20pm

Juliet,

I think I deserve a reply message back from you. I know you have been online…I’m not asking for much here.

I gave you a chance. I didn’t answer you while I was still very angry with you over the words you said to my mother. I have been patient with you, and at the very least I think you owe me an answer to what I asked of you.

I will ask you again:

What in the world would Jackson have gained by lying about this? As far as I can see, absolutely NOTHING.

What did you mean that you didn’t read mom’s letter to anyone but Gus and someone else mom doesn’t know when we know for a fact you read it to a friend of mine and mom’s?

I also asked you, as a friend, to please stop spreading accusations on YouTube against my mom and my friend Jackson. (and Ambrose, although she is a complete stranger to me as I write this). It is evident that you have not done as I requested. It doesn’t take much effort to see the public comments you have posted all over YouTube, some of them being to people I know you know we (as in either myself, mom or Jackson) considered as friends, as well as to complete strangers to us. It’s all over YouTube, Juliet. Why have you done this? It raises in me a doubt in you. I’m not able to trust you because I’m a very paranoid person, and you have given me reason to believe you have said much worse things in private. If you will spread stuff publicly, doubtless you will say worse in private. This is called gossip, Juliet. No one has started a ‘hate campaign’ against you. If anything, you are the instigator of such a campaign. Mom, Jackson and myself have all been careful not to slander you. We haven’t ran to our every friend and publicly accused you. No, mom came to you, privately and it was you, Juliet, who made this public. I know you said you were hurt, but Juliet, so am I. So am I. You are not the only victim here. IF it is true that you did nothing to hurt me originally, if you are completely innocent of being the source of what mom asked you about, then I am wondering why is it that you got so defensive? The fact that you feel the need to justify yourself by going to everyone on Youtube implies guilt. If what you are saying about this so-called ‘hate campaign’ is true, then Juliet, it would be one of us who would be slandering you all over youtube. But this is not the case. We have kept this quiet. We are attempting to keep this between us. If I may be so bold as to point this out: Juliet, you are not cooperating in keeping this a private matter. I understand being upset and wanting to get comforted by friends. That’s something all of us want. However, Juliet, I’d appreciate it if you’d consider the fact that you are not the victim here.

Tell me please, what is your motive behind these comments? It most certainly is not done out of the best interests of ‘your friends’. If you were really my friend you would love me, not with your kind words and Facebook roses, but by your actions.

If you believe that I, my mother, or my friend Jackson has sinned against you, then you are biblically obligated to confront us. This is exactly what mom was doing when she wrote you originally. The bible says:

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.-Matt. 18:15-17

You have not done this Juliet. You responded to mom out of anger instead of working to the bottom if it with her. To my knowledge, you did not contact Jackson privately either. If you honestly believe mom or Jackson to be guilty, you owe to them to rebuke them because open rebuke is better than secret love. You did not do this. You did not correct the situation. The fact is, you cannot rebuke either of them because neither of them is at fault here. The Bible says when someone wrongs you, take 2 or 3 witnesses. Juliet, you did not do this. You went to more than 2 or 3 people, and you didn’t go to them in order to win back mom or Jackson; you only went and brought other people into this in order to condemn them and justify yourself.

Mom however, tried this with you. She gave you a chance to explain and a chance to work this out. Obviously, it did not work. Jackson and I are mom’s witnesses to this. You don’t want us to believe Jackson, then Juliet, the burden of proof is on you to show us his ‘lies’. I believe Jackson. BUT I never said you lied. However, now I can’t help but believe you to be guilty. It is YOU who have proven his word to be true by your own actions! You yourself proved guilt in the way you handled this situation. I understand not wanting to admit to sin and backpedaling to cover it up, because I myself have done so before, and I recognize this in you by your actions. Your comments all over youtube are nothing more than justifications for yourself in order to make us look guilty and shift what should be your blame onto us.

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.-1 Thessalonians 5:14-15

When your brother falls, we are not to pridefully scoff at them, we are to help the weaker brethren. Juliet, when someone within the body of Christ has a disagreement with you, you do not do this. You just label them as not being a Christian (like you did my mom and other people). We are one body in Christ. We are to help each other, even when the other is in sin by patient rebuking.

“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”- Galatians 6:1

We are not supposed to ‘unfriend’ people when they sin–not until they are reasoned with biblically and given the chance to repent. We are supposed to bear their burdens and work at restoring them. We are not suppose to run to everyone we know and further condemn the person.

You can’t tell other people not to befriend someone because he ___ or her because she ___. No, you must go to that person and ask them to repent.

Mom and Jackson have done nothing wrong in this situation. But if you really believe them to be in sin, it is your duty to show them so they may be restored. You reacted only in anger and went around spreading gossip, which points that not one of us, but you are guilty.

In Hebrew, the word for gossip literally means “one who reveals secrets, one who goes about as a talebearer or scandal-monger.” Juliet, you were asked to keep the information given to you private. Telling all of YouTube only starts a fire, and if you play with fire you will get burnt.

Your intent is obviously to make mom, Jackson, Ambrose (and possibly me) look bad while puffing up your own ‘innocence’. This is wrong Juliet. Gossiping is condemned in Romans 1:29.

“He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not associate with a gossip.”-Proverbs 20:19

“A fool’s mouth is his ruin,
And his lips are the snare of his soul.
The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,
And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.”-Proverbs 18:7-8

“A perverse man spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates intimate friends”-Proverbs 16:28

When a misunderstanding started by gossip happens, it ruins friendships. Look at this entire situation, Juliet. SOMEONE started gossip, who I cannot prove. But SOMEONE did. And now look at the friendships destroyed. Do you not think you making the matter public without trying to rectify it will make it worse? It’s adding fuel to the fire!

“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.”-Proverbs 11:13

You revealed secrets, Juliet. You spread this matter all over Youtube. You falsely accused mom and Jackson. This is a sin, Juliet. This is why I cannot trust you, because you did not ‘conceal’ this matter.

Gossip is diabolic, and against what the word of God stands for. It causes division within the church that should not be there and divides even the best of friends. It causes others to doubt their brethren and when you gossip about someone it discredits their ministries in the eyes of others. This is a horrible sin against God’s people.

What you are doing is gossip. You have no proof of the accusations you are making. The ‘hate campaign’ against you is non-existent. Unless what you are saying is 100% true, it’s gossip. If you’re saying something to make yourself look or feel better but it hurts someone else, it’s gossip.

I am not saying you aren’t saved, Juliet. I have been guilty of gossip before, I know. All it does is hurt those involved and eventually the one who has gossiped. I am laying this all out before you to ask that you please stop before more damage is done, and because I care about you and want to see you turn from this.

You say your heart is clean, but Juliet, as I’ve said before, it is deceitful above all things. God does not let a Christian live in sin without that Christian facing His correction any more than he lets unredeemed sinners escape the flames of hell. Sin is costly, and horrible and we are all guilty of it. and we will all pay the price, just thankfully God does not makes His saints pay with their souls and is faithful and just to forgive us!

I repent now that I enabled gossip against Jackson by saying nothing. I should have went to him and asked him of this matter beforehand instead of harboring doubts about him. I should have went to him the way he came to me. I am sorry. I am sorry for any wrongs I have done. Sincerely. I am no better than you are in any way. I’m a sinner too. But friends don’t leave friends in unrepentant sin. I will privately apologize to him after I send this.

If the line has been drawn in the sand, so to speak, I can’t stand on the line. I have to cross over to one side or the other. I can’t ride the fence. Juliet, I care about you. I hope you see the truth in what I am saying and think about it. But you are wrong. I must stand with mom and Jackson here. She is my mother and he is my friend, and I have tried to be as unbiased here as possible and see NO GUILT in either of them. My conscious is clear too on this matter. You say yours is, and I have to ask, how can you say these horrible accusations against the saints of God, accuse them of starting a hate campaign against you (when you are doing it to them?) and still have a clear conscious? I just don’t understand! It breaks my heart, but I don’t understand. This is more painful to me than the rumors about I and Jackson ever were.

You are accusing the brethren, Juliet. God will deal with those who wrong us. We need not to be slandering them after we have been hurt. If it is true that you were falsely accused, my mother was not the source. Accusers always end up condemning themselves with their own words and the truth shall be found out in the end.

So yes, Juliet, I have officially ‘unfriended’ you on Facebook, and YouTube. You are not blocked however, unless you give me a good reason to do so. I would appreciate a response with an answer to my questions. I’m not going to say all this to you and completely cut you off. But you must understand my reasonings behind my actions.

I’m praying for you. I wrote you too much to send in one message. I apologize for the length, but I ask that you do not react in anger but will rather consider these words.

-Eve

 I am so very sorry to see that you have encountered the same problem with these two as I have. They became angry and shut off any form of communication that prevents you from trying to make things right between you and them. That is wrong and unbiblical. I have had the same experience myself. I was unfriended and blocked both on Facebook and YouTube after I caught them talking badly about myself and my daughter behind my back. It ended very badly and I regret ever trusting those two and even meeting them online. They went behind my back and were gossiping about my daughter and when I found out I confronted them with it. It’s been a nightmare ever since. I have not breathed a word of this to anyone but two of my other friends (as witnesses) and now you. Unlike Juliet, I don’t go around YT accusing her of gossip and badmouthing me and my daughter to all of our mutual friends, in fact, I asked her to keep it between us because I knew she wouldn’t, but I hoped. And she didn’t. She has told everyone about it and for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone believes her. I didn’t trash her publicly. I didn’t gossip. I said nothing to no one and yet, she has and continues to do so about me. Liz cut me off without warning. I’d only asked her if it was true and she was very curt and then she blocked me. And Juliet followed suit not long after that. I caught them both and they know it and I have proof to back me up with what I say, they do not. Yet not wanting any trouble, I kept it to myself even though they have not. This is becoming a pattern with these two so it’s time I speak out about it to others and I think telling you about it to be the wisest course, so I did, and you agree with me that we have done correctly by biblical standards. We went to them and confronted them or attempted to with witness…and that hasn’t worked so now it must be told to the church and I am aware that the internet is not a church but the people on it who are our friends that we fellowship with are a part of the church so we will tell them and if they don’t repent, well….we’ll just leave it to God. I have been praying for you as well. And I always will be.This whole fiasco has had me depressed, sad, angry, and I even cried about it one night after it happened and it had finally sunk in about how deceitful these two women are who for some reason feel the need to abuse the friends they have a minor disagreement with and I just sat and cried. One time. I allowed myself to mourn and cry one time and I with the exception of my daughter I was alone when I cried. I didn’t want sympathy pats or try to score favor with others about this by crying all over YouTube and Facebook as Juliet has. It was a painfully private matter and I allowed myself to cry and grieve over it that one time. I prayed about it and am STILL praying about it and God has comforted me greatly and my daughter too, and we are okay. It is much better to have these two out of our lives for good. Forgiveness has been given, even though they haven’t asked for it, but it is a relief to forgive and to move on. God has shown me this is the right way to deal with it and it’s time to let Him take over after what I went through is known. Take it to the church when all else fails and if they don’t repent, leave them alone for God to deal with. And that is what I will do. I am not after revenge and neither are you, but those two are. They are vengeful, dividing instigators who can trust no one because they themselves are untrustworthy. Their gossip has shown this to be true. They will try and get revenge again for this, but I simply do not care. The truth must be known even if it is not believed and in time when they turn on someone else, it will remind their future victims of what we endured and maybe people will FINALLY SEE that we have been telling the truth all along. But even if it doesn’t, God knows and He will deal with it in His own time in His own manner and I trust Him because He said He would and God is the essence of TRUTH! He is the TRUTH! He does not take lightly the slander of his children. I have put this matter in His hands and I am safe
there as well. And so are you.

They went and attacked you on your channel. I see that now and I cringed as I read what happened. There is nothing wrong with being KJVonly and I am not one! I read the NASB and the KJV along with the ESV and I love the KJV. It is beautiful! It tells the stories of the beginning right up to the end in Revelation and it’s poetic and very comforting to me to especially read the Psalms in KJV. Also, it is a reminder of my heritage, the men I am descended from, as I told you earlier about, it reminds me that what is in that KJV is what my ancestors DIED for to make it available to the common man. They were burned at the stake, one for translating it into English, the other for preaching it true to its every word! I will not bring shame to my fathers by disavowing the KJV as an incorrect Bible. It is correct. And it is God’s Word. And there is nothing wrong with reading it only. I don’t get their problem with that.

Back to the topic at hand…sorry for going off on what some call rabbit trails…LOL!!!!

What irked me the most, is that when I caught them…someone told me what they’d been saying about my daughter and showed my daughter the proof of it…they both immediately blamed YOU for the whole mess! HUH!??? How was their gossiping about my daughter and myself in any way your fault? It’s not! I didn’t know you’d had a falling out with them because I had not been online when it happened. They were quick to put the whole blame on you for what they did and you didn’t even have a clue about any of it. Juliet tried to make it public on my Facebook page but I told her publicly to her comment that it was not you, you were innocent and didn’t have a clue to any of this and I wasn’t going to let you take the blame for it. She got upset and asked me to remove the comments, which I did. She also told my daughter it was your fault and what did Liz say about it? I’ll show you and if you need a screenshot I’ll send it to you.

Liz: But, I think I know who is doing this, and if I am right, I will pull this woman down so hard she will crawl for the rest of her life. There is a woman on YouTube that I recently deleted and had to block from my Facebook. I had to block her from my YouTube too, as she couldn’t take the hint and took my deleting and blocking her on Facebook, public on YouTube. I only knew her for about 10 days through Facebook, but she was a nasty piece of work and I have a sneaking suspicion she might be telling you some whoppers – that is, if I am right – I am not sure.”

I let her know it was NOT you and thanked her for writing me back even. That is the last I heard from her. She blocked me that very night or the next morning. Juliet just flat out said your name in the mess. At least Liz was a little more discreet even though she was just as dishonest about everything else.

Everything you’ve stated here you are absolutely correct about. You took the proper steps. Their inability to respond in kind by repenting of their sins and their lies about us and against us shows that they don’t care what the Word of God says about anything! They were proven wrong and it hurt their pride and scared them to death that they would be found out and instead of repenting they just compounded their guilt by continuing to lie and slander! And then they get upset when it is revealed about them again and again. We are not the only ones they’ve done this too. We won’t be the last either, I fear.

As for our brothers and sisters in Christ, how can anyone continue to trust anything that comes out of these women’s mouths? How can you take their word for it and not wonder if what you say can be twisted into something horrible that they can lie to others about to make themselves look better? And they will. Trust me…they will.

Every one should consider this before they open their mouths to gossip -

“He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.” Proverbs 20:19

and this:

“But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.” Numbers 32:23

Gossiping about someone ALWAYS backfires on the gossiper. There is no excuse for it. It should not be done…especially when it concerns other Christians. If you don’t have proof, keep your mouth shut until you do. And if it’s unfounded it almost always comes back to get you. People will see it eventually, usually when it’s done against them.

I’m sorry they did this to you as well as what they did to me and my daughter and the young man they so viciously slandered in their efforts to make my daughter and him look so bad. I am praying for them, I am praying for us all!

I love you my sister, it has indeed been an honor for me to be able to call you not only my sister, but my friend.

In Christ,
Karina

Oh…wow! I just read her side of what happened with you. The blog post she wrote you is almost word by word exactly the same as what she said to me…her conscience is clear…blah…blah, blah! All the same. Her delusions of persecution by others and how she has to bear them, etc. Seems like she has an automated letter to send to those who offend her. It’s all typed up and ready to send to her next victim. She took issue with you because you are KJV only and issue with me because a young man innocently commented on how pretty my daughter is. Heaven forbid a man think anyone but Juliet is beautiful. And is she really? We know about the picture. And beauty is only skin deep. What matters is the beauty inside a person.

Why is this? Because she is DISHONEST, that is why and she wants everyone to think of her as some high, noble lady. Ummm….actions speak louder than words, Juliet. I dare you to find ONE public comment that I have posted against you anywhere on YouTube, Facebook, or anywhere else on the internet you may hang out at. I dare you! You won’t be able to because I haven’t done this. YOU accused ME of starting a hate campaign against you. HOW can I do that when I have said NOTHING about you? How can I accomplish that? You’re not so wonderful that the only thing I ever commented about was you, Juliet. I haven’t breathed a word against you publicly until today. But I HAVE PROOF that you have by the comments that’s been on your channel that you made about me. Ever hear of screen shots Juliet? I make them when people lie and slander me, just in case I need them. The only people I have ever had to take screen shots of their comments before were atheists, pagans, witches and Satanists. And now
you….a Christian woman. Look at the company you keep. I hope you wake up soon and realize the world does not revolve around you.

- Karina

 Luke 12:2-3… “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” Luke 8:17: ” For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.”

An attack against someone for only using the KJV is definitely an attack against the KJV. No matter how unintentional or unaware they may be of what they are doing, it sends a message that the KJV is not sufficient in itself. That additionally connotes that the KJV is not actually the preserved Word of God. If that be the case, it must be only partly true and then we are left never knowing what parts are true and what are not. It would be a book of confusion for even the elect. God however has one Gospel, One Savior, One Word. Like the true church of God, never has there been a moment in history, when the Word has not been perpetually preserved. And I don’t mean through the fires of the Catholic Cult, I mean outside of that institution. There are not two true Gods, two true Gospels, two true Saviors, or available translations of the Word. That would be confusing and impossible to entreat. That is not God’s way. I cannot for these reasons alone, embrace more than one translation. It being the KJV. The Word is either fully preserved or it is not at all. There cannot be any in between anymore than there is with anything else of God. There is no gray area with the KJV. God either preserved it as He desired or it is not preserved by Him and is unreliable. It is either white or it is black but it cannot be gray. People need to fully accept it or fully reject it. Just like Jesus himself. We either fully accept him for who he really is or we fully reject him in the eyes of God. We might think we can partially accept Jesus but in reality there is no in between. Like Christ, the Word is either fully legitimate or it is a lie. It has been said that a partial truth is a complete lie because the devil has his influence over it. An example of the greatest lie is 90% loving fact and 10% lethal fiction. God has seen reason in the omission of certain manuscripts in order to protect the Word from heresy. Some say these should have been included but I think God knows better than any of us put together. He has also seen fit to allow italics so that we would know they were not in the original. Yet, if they are there, it by the permission of God. There is no deception in that. Neither on the part of God or the men who physically included them. Furthermore, if God allows a word or two to be included or even a thousand words, it is not in the alteration or destruction of any doctrine. God is not changing in His teachings. They can remain the same no matter the inclusion or exclusion of any words. So in keeping with this notion, that is how the KJV is indeed the preserved Word of God. It is sad that some people who are even the very elect cannot see the forest for the trees.

Few of us are completely scholared in any area let alone the area of translations which is extremely in depth to say the least. At the end of the day or the end of a decade, we can only take what we do know and ask God to discern it for us through the Spirit and to guide us through the matter. I am as analytical as anyone trying to count the sands on the shore but when all is said and done, try to keep it simple. The truth that God would have us understand is profound yet always simple. The still small voice in the wilderness that was always speaking to the elect from early on. The devil will not confound you if you really seek the truth in this area and pray to not be overwhelmed by the mess of misinformation out there. The KJV is either the one or it is not. There is no grey area in truth. I am with the KJV 1611 until the Spirit leads me otherwise. The same Spirit that has led me into all truth, has kept me with this translation without wavering. This same Spirit is not a changing Spirit. Neither will it allow me to be misled when I do not wish to be. Grace.

http://www.wayoflife.org/kingjames/index.html?gclid=CJXPpuiUlJ4CFShSagod-WyapA

http://theshepherdsvoice.org/kjv/kjv-controversy_listing.html

http://www.biblebelievers.com/Branson_KJV1.html

 Jesus is the WORD OF GOD and the Bible is THE WORD OF GOD　

- Randy Hartinger

 The Catholic Cult commonly known as the Catholic Church and recognized as the first and strongest Christian church in all history if being the richest was not enough, it did not actually begin two thousand years ago and was not the first Christian church. It began nearly 300 years after Christ last walked this earth and is certainly NOT the first church. It is in fact not a church of Christ at all but a very bloody cult. Mother of Harlots spare your satanic lies. You call yourself the Mother Church for very apt reasoning. One of the early Daughter sects of the Mother Church is Islam and Islam became out of control and turned against its Mother with much power. Come to think of it, they resemble one another in many ways; the love of power, the greed, the brutal killings all claimed in the name of peace. And they both teach that we need to work our way to heaven. Satan appears as ‘an angel of light’ and the world bows down in droves drinking in the lies like a dog to sweet tasting but deadly antifreeze. The most effective lie is 90% fact and 10% lethal fiction. Yet this cult is so much worse than that. It is completely transparent to the discerning eye. It is not a difficult thing to recognize. Only the Devil himself in a blind world could perform the Inquisition & turn around and still convince the general masses that the CC is a church of Christ!!! Quite unbelievable that so many people fall for all the endless lies. It looks like a cult, it acts like a cult, it is a cult. The only saved Catholic is a breakaway Catholic or at least one who wants to breakaway from the lies It was my religious lineage who were also slaughtered by the Catholic Church through the Great Inquisition. It was not just witches and Jews. That was more a smoke screen so the real believers would be less recognizable in the ‘crowd’ of the persecuted. The true church of God is still prevailing as it always was like a ‘still small voice’ in the wilderness. You just need to pay careful attention and stop running with the masses. Wide is the path unto destruction and narrow is the pathway unto life and few there be that find it.  Everyone should read at least once in their life  a thorough non biased account of the history of the true church that started with the apostles and was given many different names by the world and managed on through the preservation of God to survive the Great Inquisition that the Catholics led to bloodbath and fire in an attempt to irradiate the real church. The church of Christ has always been severely persecuted and that is what is also spoken of in Scripture. Anyone ever stop and think about how the Catholic church has literally TONS of blood on its hands throughout history??? The real church is not any persecutor but always the persecuted and it has been above all persecuted by the Catholics.  There are far too many false teachings to quote. Purgatory? Infant baptism. Sprinkling rather than submersion? Continuation of priests when Christ was the final last intercessor for us? Catholic priests and nuns not being allowed to marry rather than them having the freedom of choice? Trying to secure salvation through works rather than works being the fruition of salvation? The marriage of church and state? The excessive riches? Prayers for the dead which is so occultish? They are teachings of the devil and he has been getting away with it for nearly two thousand years. There is Christs church and there is Satan’s church which is a Mother of Harlots. No other church in history is more clearly Satan’s counterpart to Christ’s church. No other group has caused such bloodbath among the Bible believing Christians. Not even close. This cult not only tortured everyone that disagreed with them but they perfected the dastard art of how to make a victim last as long as possible through the torture…sometimes for days. If they thought someone was going to pass out or die too soon on them, they would back off just enough to keep that from happening. Several of the Popes were responsible for the giving of orders. No single sect in the entire history of mankind, has managed to massacre so many other people. Genocide at its worst ever. No absolute surprise that there are conflicting numbers of the death total over six hundred years, which range anywhere from 50,000 to 50,0000 but I can deduct that the number was greater than smaller because it is mostly the CC that claims it less significant. I actually had a Catholic priest tell me once that there were only about three thousand people killed by the Catholics, yet interestingly enough a famous runaway high Jesuit priest by the name of Alberto Rivera who was later assassinated, claimed the number of deaths by the catholic Inquisitions was around 55 million which is  a few more than the Baptists claim. As though any lesser number was somehow acceptable. I think that proved his own gullibility and in fact insensitivity. Not only did the Catholic Church head the Great Inquisition (four Inquisitions in total) through hundreds of years against Christians who believed very different from them but the victims were chained together and drowned, burned at the stake, hung upside down, cut in half, and torn asunder…but with their BIBLES tied around their necks in many instances. Proof how much the Catholic Church hates the Word of God. Just like the Devil hates it. No surprise that the CC only reads from the Bible once in a while and the members are discouraged from reading it privately. Though the Word is not meant for private interpretation only, it is most certainly meant for our private interpretation (also) and the private reading of the Word is ever encouraged throughout the New Testament in the teachings and admonishments of Christ, even while the Word was not yet written down but was only spoken. I am sick to my stomach with the Catholic Cult pretending to be Christian. They are not and they never have been. That has been fully evident in some of the modern heretical changes they have also been adopting that are not Scriptural. The marriage of all religions which is NWR in 1984. They are to date the largest church of the Anti-Christ parading as an angel of light. God will deal with them very shortly because we are in the end times. That is the only comfort that can be found. I bleed for my sisters and brothers in Christ who were martyred along with the perceived witches, at the raw hands of this demonic cult.

Get a good look at the metal roasting chair above blanketed  in nails? Only one of many methods of  the vilest forms of torture they used on individuals as young as two years old and as old as eighty. That is right.  Now here comes the deception  from the Catholic Church about what they claim happened in the Inquisition, taken from the New Advent:  “Most of the punishments that were properly speaking inquisitional were not inhuman, either by their nature or by the manner of their infliction. Most frequently certain good works were ordered, e.g. the building of a church, the visitation of a church, a pilgrimage more or less distant, the offering of a candle or a chalice, participation in a crusade, and the like. Other works partook more of the character of real and to some extent degrading punishments, e.g. fines, whose proceeds were devoted to such public purposes as church-building, road-making, and the like; whipping with rods during religious service; the pillory; the wearing of colored crosses, and so on. The hardest penalties were imprisonment in its various degrees, exclusion from the communion of the Church, and the usually consequent surrender to the civil power.”

 They are NOT sorry for something they primarily deny. Alright…I think I am going to get sick!!!

Henry Grattan Guinness:   “I have stood in that valley of Lucerna where dwelt the faithful, those ancient Protestants who held to the pure gospel all through the dark ages, that lovely valley with its pine clad slopes which Rome converted into a slaughter house. Oh, horrible massacres of gentle, unoffending, noble-minded men! Oh, horrible massacres of tender women and helpless children! Yes, ye hated them, ye hunted them, ye stuck them on spits, ye impaled them, ye hanged them, ye roasted them, ye flayed them, ye cut them in pieces, ye violated them, ye violated the women, ye violated the children, ye forced flints into them and stakes, and stuffed them with gunpowder, and blew them up and tore them asunder limb from limb, and tossed them over precipices and dashed them against the rocks; ye cut them up alive, ye dismembered them; ye racked, mutilated, burned, tortured, mangled, massacred holy men, sainted women, mothers, daughter, tender children, harmless sacrificed them in heaps, in hecatombs, turning all Spain, Italy, France, Europe, Christian Europe, into a slaughter-house, a charnel house, an Akeldama”.

 http://www.excatholicsforchrist.com/index.php?PageURL=main.htm

http://www.jesus-is-lord.com/charlot1.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLTS4eP0LTY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLcjCW_JK5w

Revelation 17:

And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters: 2 With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication. 3 So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. 4 And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication: 5 And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. 6 And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. 7 And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns. 8 The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is. 9 And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth. 10 And there are seven kings: five are fallen, and one is, and the other is not yet come; and when he cometh, he must continue a short space. 11 And the beast that was, and is not, even he is the eighth, and is of the seven, and goeth into perdition. 12 And the ten horns which thou sawest are ten kings, which have received no kingdom as yet; but receive power as kings one hour with the beast. 13 These have one mind, and shall give their power and strength unto the beast. 14 These shall make war with the Lamb, and the Lamb shall overcome them: for he is Lord of lords, and King of kings: and they that are with him are called, and chosen, and faithful. 15 And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues. 16 And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire. 17 For God hath put in their hearts to fulfil his will, and to agree, and give their kingdom unto the beast, until the words of God shall be fulfilled. 18 And the woman which thou sawest is that great city, which reigneth over the kings of the earth.

Luke 12:2-3: “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” Luke 8:17: ” For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.”

http://www.ewordtoday.com/comments/revelation/gill/revelation17.htm

http://www.chick.com/articles/houstonletter.asp

 The Testimony of Charlotte Wells  

　The testimony of Sister Charlotte is disturbing and shocking, but provides important insights into the worst of convent life as well as the dynamics of Romanism. It testifies with others such as “Maria Monk” and “The Martyr in Black The Life Story of Sister Justina” (Lord willing, both of these will be on the site one day) as well as the testimonies of former priests such as Chiniquy .. This testimony was taken from a cassette tape recording of Sister Charlotte giving her testimony in a Christian gathering (I’ve heard a copy of the tape). Sources have told us that Charlotte was born in 1898, and entered the convent in approximately the year of 1910. She experienced salvation in 1945, and began giving this testimony in the next few years following her conversion throughout the United States and Canada.

  First of all I always like to tell folk I’m not giving this testimony because I have any ill feeling in my heart toward the Roman Catholic people. I couldn’t be a Christian if I still had bitterness in my heart. God delivered me from all bitterness and strife and delivered me out of all of that one day and made himself real to me, and the power of the Holy Spirit. And so, when I give this testimony I’m giving it because after God saved me he delivered me out of the convent and out of bondage and darkness. The Lord laid the burden upon my heart to give this testimony that others might know what cloistered convents are. And so, as you listen carefully this afternoon, I trust I will not say one thing that will leave any feeling in your heart whatsoever that I don’t carry a burden for the Roman Catholic people. I don’t like the things they do, I don’t agree with the things that they teach, but I covet their soul for Jesus. I’m interested in their souls. I believe Jesus went to Calvary. He died that you and I might know Him. And their souls are just as precious as your soul and my soul. So I’m interested.

 

 First of all, as we slip into this testimony, having been born in Roman Catholicism, not knowing anything else, not knowing the word of God because we didn’t have a Bible in our home, we had never heard anything about this wonderful plan of salvation. And so, naturally, I grew up in that Roman Catholic home as a child, knowing only the catechism, knowing only the teaching of the Roman Catholic Church. And, because I loved the Lord, and because I wanted to do something for Him, I wanted to give Him my life. I didn’t know of any other way for a Roman Catholic girl to give her life to God other than entering a convent, and to going to the confessional box where, naturally, I’m under the influence of my father-confessor, the Roman Catholic priest, his influence over my life.

One day I made up my mind through his influence and one of my teachers in the parochial school that I wanted to be a little sister. At that time I thought of being a sister of the open order, but as I went on into this, up until the time I took my white veil, sixteen and a half years of age, everything was beautiful. I really didn’t have any fear in my heart whatsoever. Everything that was taught to me was seemingly along the line that I had been taught in the church before I entered the convent. And so one day, after having been, uh, after making up my mind to enter a convent, I remember that particular day, two of the sisters came home with me from school. They were my teachers. And when we arrived at my father’s home that afternoon our Father-confessor was in the home likewise. I often say when I was a little girl children were seen and not heard. You didn’t talk when you was a child, at least in my family, in my home unless you were spoken to. And I remember I listened to them carry on a conversation, and then I moved over close enough to my father and I asked him if I could say something. And that was a bit out of the ordinary. And he permitted me to talk and I said, “Dad, I want to go into a convent.” And I will tell you that priest took it up quickly. He had already been influencing me. My father broke down and began to cry, not because he’s sad, but he’s very happy. My mother came over and took me in her arms and she, too, wept tears. She’s very happy. Those were not tears of sadness because to think her little girl was giving her life to the convent to pray for lost humanity. And naturally my family were very thrilled about it, and I was too. But, anyway I didn’t go for a year after that and then the time come when I got myself ready and my mother prepared things for me. And so I entered the convent.

CONVENT SCHOOL

They took me and we didn’t have a place close enough to my father and mother’s home so I think they took me around a thousand miles away from home where I entered a convent boarding school. I lacked about 3 months being 13 years of age. Just a little girl. I look back on it now and I think, “My!” Homesick? I was so homesick, why my mother and daddy, they stayed three days with me and when they left I became so homesick! Naturally. And why shouldn’t I? Just a baby away from home. When I was a little girl, you know I never spent a night away from my mother, and I surely had never gone any place without my family. And naturally there was a close tie in our family and I was very lonely and very homesick. But I’ll never forget that after Mother told me good-bye and I knew they were travelling a long distance away from me, and I had never realized in my heart, “I’ll never see them again!” Naturally I hadn’t planned it like that because I had planned to be a sister of the open order. But, if you’ll listen carefully to this portion of the testimony, then you’ll understand just why I’m saying some of the things I say. Now oftentimes we say that the priest selects his material through the confessional box, because at seven years of age I went to confessional. Seven years of age I would always, when I came into the church, first I’d slip over to the feet of the crucifix, or rather to the Virgin Mary, and then over at the feet of the crucifix and I’d ask the Virgin Mary to help me make a good confession, because I was a child and my heart was honest. And I knew the priest had taught us to always make a good confession. Keep nothing back. Tell everything if I expected absolution from any sin that I might have committed. And so I would ask the Virgin Mary to help me make a good confession. I would ask then Jesus to help me make a good confession. And you know, I’ll assure you, after I’d lived in the convent for ,,,I had to go on with my schooling. I had just finished the eighth grade and they promised to give me a high school education and some college education. But, I didn’t get much college, I got mostly just high school training. And they gave that to me alright. I took it under some terrible difficulties and strains and all of that. It was terribly difficult. But they gave it to me for which I appreciate very very much. But I’ll assure you that after they put me through the crucial training that we must go through just to become a little initiate entering a convent. The training is really, it’s outstanding as far as a nun is concerned and you know what it’s all about after you’ve been in there a little while.

So now I’ve entered the convent and for just a few minutes I want to tell you just how we lived, what we eat, how we sleep. If I take you into the convent and tell you those things you’ll understand a little bit more about my testimony. At first as I entered the convent as a small child I went on to school, but I was being trained. But the day came when I was fourteen and a half. The mother came to me and she began to tell me about the White Veil. And I didn’t know too much about it, but in taking the white veil they told me that I would be becoming the spouse or bride of Jesus Christ. There would be a ceremony and I would be dressed in a wedding garment. And on this particular morning they told me at nine o’clock they would dress me up in a wedding garment. Now you’re wondering where that come from and how they get the wedding clothes for the little nuns? The mother superior sits down and writes a letter to my father and tells him how much money she wants. And then whatever she asks, my father sends it. The little buying sister goes out and buys the material and the wedding gown is made by the nuns of the cloister. I’m still Open Order now. And of course whatever she asked, now you say, “Did they spend all the money for the wedding gown?” Well, of course we don’t know these things in the very beginning of our testimony, but after we live in a convent for a little while we learned to know they could ask my father for a hundred dollars and he’d send it. They wouldn’t but maybe a third of that for the wedding garment. They would keep the rest of it and my father would never know the difference. Neither did I until I lived in the convent for a period of time and I had to make some of the wedding clothes and then I knew the value of them and what they cost. And I knew the of money that came in because I was one of the older nuns. Well, alright, the time came, of course, when I walked down that aisle and I was dressed in a wedding garment. Now you know in the convent I used to walk the fourteen stations of the cross- the fourteen steps that Jesus carried the cross to Calvary. But after I had made up my mind to take the white veil, never again did I walk. I wanted to be worthy. I wanted to be holy enough to become the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ. And so I would get down on my knees and crawl the fourteen stations. Quite a distance, but I crawled them every Friday morning. I felt it would make me holy. I felt it would drawl me closer to God. It would make me worthy of the step that I was going to take. And that’s what I wanted more than anything else in the world. I would like to impress upon your heart, every little girl that enters the convent that I know anything about. That child has a desire to live for God. That child has a desire to give her heart, mind, and soul to God. Now many, many people make this remark and we hear it from various types of folk who say only bad women go into convents. That isn’t true. There are movie stars who go into convents. They’ve lived out in the world, and no doubt they are sinners and all of that. But they go in when they are women. They know what they are doing. And they go in only because the Roman Catholic Church is going to receive, not only thousands, but yea it will run up into the millions of dollars. They don’t mind who they take in if they can get a lot of money out of that individual. But the ordinary little girl that goes in as a child, she’s just a child and she goes in there with a heart and mind and soul just as clean as any child could be. I say that because sometimes you hear a lot of things that are really not true. Now after we become the spouse of Jesus Christ, I want you to listen carefully to this and then you can follow me into the rest of the testimony. We are now looked upon as married women. We are looked upon as married women. We are the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ. Now the priest teaches every little girl that will take the white veil, they’ll become the bride of Christ. He teaches her to believe that her family will be saved. It doesn’t make any difference how many banks they’ve robbed, how many stores they’ve robbed. It doesn’t make any difference how they drink and smoke and carouse and live out in this sinful world and do all the things that sinners do. It doesn’t make a bit of difference. Still our family will be saved if we continue to live in the convent and give our lives to the convent or to the church we can rest assured that every member of our immediate family will be saved. And you know there are many little children that are influenced and enticed to go into convents because we realize it is the salvation for our families. And sometimes, even (in) Roman Catholic families, the children grow up and leave the Roman Catholic Church and go out into the deepest of sin. And so, every little girl that enters the convent is hoping by her sacrificing so much, home and loved ones, mother and daddy, everything that a child loves, her family will be saved regardless of what sins they commit. And of course we are children and our minds are immature and we don’t know any better. And it’s so easy to instill things like this into the hearts and minds of little children and the priest is- he’s really good at it. And, of course, we look upon our priest, our father-confessor, I looked upon him as God. He’s the only God I knew anything about, and to me he was infallible. I didn’t think he could sin. I didn’t think that he would lie. I didn’t think that he ever made a mistake. I looked upon him as the holiest of holy because I didn’t know a God, but I did know the Roman Catholic Priest, and to me, I looked to him for everything that I asked of God, so to speak. I believed the priest could give it to me. And so the day comes when all of us now, as we’re going in (I want you to listen carefully) after taking the white veil things are beautiful. I’m sixteen and a half years of age. Everyone’s good to me and I’m living in the convent and I haven’t seen anything yet because no little girl, we’re not subject to a Roman Catholic Priest until we are 21 years of age, and as we give you this next vow then you’ll understand we don’t know about this. This is kept from the little sisters until we’ve taken our black veils and then it’s too late. I don’t carry the key to those double doors and there’s no way for me to come out. The priest will tell all over the whole United States and other countries that sisters, or nuns rather, can walk out of convents when they want to. I spent 22 years there. I did everything there was to do to get out. I’ve carried tablespoons with me into the dungeons and tried to dig down into that dirt, because there’s no floors in those places, but I’ve never yet found myself digging far enough to get out of a convent with a tablespoon and that’s about the only instrument. Because when we’re using the spade, and we do have to do hard heavy work, when we use a spade we’re being guarded. We’re being watched by two older nuns and they’re going to report on us and I’ll assure your not going to try to dig out with a spade. You wouldn’t get very far anyway because they made or built those convents so little nuns can NOT escape. That was their purpose in building them as they build them. And there’s no way for us to get out unless God makes a way. But I believe God’s making a way for numbers of little girls after they come out of the convent.

A NEW KIND OF VOW

Alright, now when the time comes, I think I was 18 when the mother began talking to me, now I planned to come out, see, after my white veil. I wanted to be a little nursing sister in the Roman church, but the mother superior, I suppose she was watching my life, I supposed she realized I had much endurance. I had a strong body and I believe the woman was watching me because one day she asked me to come into her office and she began to tell me, “Charlotte, you have a strong body.” And she said, “I believe you have the possibilities of making a good nun, a cloistered nun. I believe you’re the type that’d be willing to give up home, give up Mother and Daddy, give up everything you love out in the world, and the world (so to speak) and hide yourself behind convent doors, because I believe you’re the kind that would hide back there and be willing to sacrifice and live in crucial poverty that you might pray for lost humanity.”

She said, “I believe you’re the kind that’d be willing to suffer.”

We are taught to believe as nuns that we suffer our loved ones and your loved ones that are already in a priest’s purgatory will be delivered from purgatory sooner because of our suffering. She knew I was willing to suffer. I didn’t murmur. I didn’t complain. She knew all of that and she’s watching my life and that’s the reason she began to tell me about the black veil. And then of course, you know I didn’t know too much about a cloistered nun. I didn’t know their lives. I didn’t know how they live. I didn’t know what they’ve done. But you know, this woman proceeded to tell me- now you hear a lot of people try to tell me in the various places where we travel and go, I hear a lot of Roman Catholics try to tell me “I’ve been in so many cloisters. I know all about them.” But you know a Roman Catholic can lie to you and they don’t have to go to confession and tell the priest about the lie that they’ve told because they’re lying to protect their faith. They can tell any lie they want to to protect their faith and never go the confessional box and tell the priest about it. They can do more than that. They can steal up to 40 dollars and they don’t have to tell the priest about it. They don’t have to say one word about it in the confessional box. They’re taught that. Every Roman Catholic knows it and every Roman Catholic (you’d be horrified if you know how many of them) steal up to that amount. And many of them lie. We’ve dealt with them. I’ve dealt with hundreds and hundreds of them. I’ve seen good many of them fall in at the altar and cry out to God to save them. And, you know, before they’re saved they look into my face and hold my hand and lie to me. But after God gets a hold of their heart then they want to make right what they’ve told me because they realize that they’ve lied about it. But as long as they’re Roman Catholic they’re permitted to lie. And it’s the saddest thing. You can’t expect them to know God because God does not condone sin. I don’t care who you are. I don’t believe God condones sin and I don’t believe he’s going to condone it in the Roman Catholic people, even though they are being mislead and they’re being blinded and being led in the way that’s going to lead them into a Devil’s hell. I believe that will all of my heart because I’ve lived in a convent. I know something about how those people live and what they do.

Now the day comes. She told me, “Charlotte, you have to be willing to spill your blood as Jesus shed his upon Calvary.” She said, “You’ll have to be willing to do penance, heavy penance.” She said, “You’l have to be willing to live in crucial poverty.”

Now already I’m living in a bit of poverty, but I thought that was going to make me holy and draw me close to God and would make me a better nun. And so I’m willing to live in that poverty. And then, on this particular morning, she told me what I would be wearing. She said, “You’ll spend nine hours in a casket” and she explained a number of things to me. That’s the most I knew about it and I didn’t find that out until I’d taken my white veil. And so, on this particular morning I’m 21 years of age. But 60 days previous to my being 21 years of age, I’m going to sign some papers that they’ve placed in front of me. And those papers are this: I’m going to sign away every bit of inheritance that I might have received from my family after their death. Of course I signed that over to the Roman Catholic Church. And oftentimes I say the Roman Catholic priests are enticing girls, not only their background, not only their strong bodies, their strong minds, and strong wills, but he’s enticing girls where mothers and fathers have much property and they are comfortably fixed with the material things of this life. Why? Because when that child enters the convent, they’re going to get a portion of her money, of her father’s money and I often say that even salvation in the Roman Catholic Church is going to cost you plenty of money. More than you know anything about. And so they don’t mind commercializing off of that child and the inheritance that would have come to her. And so on this particular morning I told the mother superior, “Give me a little while to think it over.” She didn’t make me do it. No one did. But I thought it over for a couple years and then one day I told her, “I think I’m going to hide away behind the convent doors because I believe I could give more time to God. I could pray more.”

NINE HOURS IN A CASKET

I believed I could be in a position where I could inflict more pain upon my body because we are taught to believe that God smiles down out of heaven as we do penance, whatever the suffering might be. And I didn’t know any better because I often say, “If you could only look into the hearts of little nuns, if you are a Christian you would immediately cry out before God in behalf of those little girls,” because to me we are heathens. It doesn’t make any difference, the amount of education we have. We are still heathens. We know nothing about this lovely Christ, nothing about the plan of salvation. And we’re living as hermits in the convent.

And so on this particular morning I come walking down an aisle again….And may I say the morning before, I can’t go into it too deeply because I never would be able to cover enough of it so you could understand it, but this morning I’m walking down that aisle, but I don’t have a wedding garment on. I have a funeral shroud. It’s made of dark red velvet and it’s way down to the floor. And I’m walking down that aisle. I know what I’m going to do. The casket is already made by the nuns of the cloister of very rough boards. It is sitting right out here and I know when I come down there I’ll step in that casket and lay my body down and I’m going to spend nine hours in there. And two little nuns will come and cover me up with a heavy black cloth we called a heavy drape mortel(?) and you know it’s so heavily incensed that I feel like I’ve smothered to death. And I have to stay there. Now I know when I come out of that casket I’ll never leave the convent again. I know I’ll never see my mother and father again. I’ll never go home again. I’ll always live behind convent doors and when I die my body will be buried there. They told me that, so I knew it even before I done it. It’s a great price to pay, then to find out that convents are not religious orders as we were taught and as we were trained. It’s quite a disappointment to a young girl that’s given her life to God, and willing to give up so much and sacrifice so much. I’ll assure you, it was a disappointment. And so after I spent those nine hours- you’ll say, “What’d you do while you lay in that casket?”

REMEMBERING HOME

What do you think I did? I spilled every tear in my body. I remembered every lovely thing my mother done for me. I remembered her voice. I remembered the gathering around the table. I remembered the times when she would pray with us. I remembered the things that she said to me. I remembered what a marvelous cook she was. Everything as a little girl growing up in that home, I remembered it. Laying in that casket, knowing I’ll never hear her voice again and I’ll never see her face again. I’ll never put my feet under her table again and enjoy her good cooking. I knew all that and so maybe for four hours I spilled all the tears in my body because it was so hard and I knew I’d get homesick. I knew I’d want to see her someday, but I gave it all up. What for? For the love of God, I thought. I didn’t know any better. And I’ll assure you those were nine long hours. And then I seemingly got a hold of myself and I thought this, “Charlotte, now you’re going to make the best Carmelite nun!” Because everything I’ve done, even (now) that I’m out of the convent, I do give my best. I try to give everything that I have regardless what I might do. And so I did in the convent. I gave the best that I had. And I wanted to be the best nun that I could possible be. And the mother superior knew that and, don’t worry, the priest knew all about that too.

SIGNATURE IN BLOOD

Now I realized after I walk out of that casket or come out of it they’re going to take me like this, over here, and right back here there’s a room. We call it the mother superior’s room. Now I’ve never been in that particular room, so I don’t know what she has in there. But, you know, when I walk in there this time the mother superior sits me down in a straight backed, hard-bottomed chair and immediately then I’m going to take three vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. And you know, as I take those vows she opens a little place in the lobe of my ear and she takes out a portion of blood because I must sign every vow in my own blood. And after that happened I’m going to take the vow of poverty. Now when I sign that vow I sign it thus and I’m willing to live in crucial poverty the balance of my live, as long as I live. And what that poverty is like, of course we [the nuns undergoing initiation] don’t know. And then my next vow, I’m going to vow of chastity. And you know this vow, of course you know what it means. I’m taught to believe that I’m married to Jesus Christ. I’m his bride. I’ll always remain a virgin. I’ll never legally marry again in this world because I have become the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ. After the bishop married me to Christ he placed the ring on my finger and that meant I’m sealed to Christ. I’m married to him and I accepted it because I didn’t know any better. And now here I am taking a vow that I would always remain a virgin because I’m the bride of Christ. And I want you to listen carefully. And then, of course my last vow- of obedience. Now when we signed that vow, I’ll assure you already I know what obedience means. I’m living in a convent and there they demand absolute obedience. You don’t get by with anything, not even for two minutes. I mean you don’t get by with it. You have to realize what obedience means and they demand it and you learn to know it and you’re much wiser the more quickly you learn it and you obey it and you give them absolute obedience.

Alright, now what does it mean to assign vows like this? Let me tell you this. It means more than you folk will ever know because most people that I know anything about, they know very little about obedience. Oh in a sense, yes, but you’ll never know what a little nun knows about obedience, I’ll assure you that one thing unless you lived in the convent. Alright, that particular vow, when I signed it in my own blood, it done something to me because after I signed those vows do you realize that I’ve signed away everything that I have? My human rights. I have become a mechanical human being now. I can’t sit down until they tell me to. I don’t dare to get up until they tell me to. I can’t lie down until they tell me to and neither do I dare to get up. I cannot eat until they tell me to. And what I see, I don’t see. What I hear, I don’t hear. What I fell, I don’t feel. I’ve become a mechanical human being, but you’re not aware of that until you have signed all these vows. Then you realize, “Here I am, a mechanical human being.” And of course I belonged to Rome now, I’ll assure you that right now.

Alright, after these particular vows we become forgotten women of the convent. In just a short while you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Now immediately after I’ve taken those vows then the mother superior is going to give me- take away from me, my name and give me the name of a patron saint. And she teaches me to believe that whatever happens to me in the convent I can pray to that patron saint and she will intercede and get my prayers through to God because I’m not holy enough to stand in the presence of God. It is no wonder the dear little nuns can never get close enough to God. We’ve always been taught that we’ll never be holy enough to stand in his presence and we always have to go through somebody else in order to get a prayer through to God. And we believe it because we don’t know any better. And so now, all identification of who Charlotte was is going to be put away. It’ll be taken away from me, and if you would come into the convent and call for my family name, they’d tell you there isn’t such a person there. I don’t exist, even though I’m right there, because I’m writing under another name.

Now the mother superior is going to cut every bit of hair off of my head, and when she cuts it with the scissors she puts the clippers on it. And I mean there’s nothing left. I don’t have one speck of hair left on my head. And of course if you could be a nun then you’d understand the heavy headgear that we have to wear- it’d be so cumbersome to have hair and so cumbersome to take care of it. We don’t have any ways of taking care of it in the convent. There are no combs in the convent. And so you can imagine how hard it would be for us to take care of a head of hair. It’s not necessary that we have a comb after they’ve finished with it. Alright, now this is my black veil, these are my perpetual vows, we’ll call them. I’m there and I’m going to stay there.

Now, you know, up until this time, once a month I received a letter from my family and I wrote a letter out of the convent once a month to my family, even though when I’d write that letter I had no doubt they marked out a lot of it because when I would receive a letter from my family there was so much of it blacked out until there was no sense to the letter and, oh, I’d weep over those black marks. I was wondering what my mother was trying to say to me. Don’t worry. You’ll never get to know what she wanted to say to you because they have blacked it out. And so they break your heart many, many times and you’re lonely anyway because you have no friends in the convent. I’ll assure you, even though there was 180 on my particular wing, not one of those nuns was my friend and neither was I friend to them because we are not allowed to be friends in the convent We are all policemen or detectives watching each other. That’s so we’ll tell. And the little nun that finds something to tell on the other nun, she stands in good favor with the mother superior. And then the mother teaches that nun to believe (that) when she stands in good favor with the mother superior she is standing in good favor with God. And so that little nun, of course, will want that and she’ll tell a lot of things, maybe that are not even true, on the other little nuns.

Alright. Now after all of this has transpired and all of this has happened everything I have is gone. I’ve sold my soul for a mess of theological pottage, because not only are we destroyed in our bodies. Many of us in our minds. And many of us, if we die in the convent, we’ve lost our souls. And so it’s a serious thing and I’ll surely covet your prayers for little cloistered nuns behind convent doors. They’ll never hear this gospel. They’ll never know the Christ that you folk know tonight or today. They’ll never pray to him as you people pray to him. They’ll never feel his blessings as you people feel them. And so put them on your hearts and pray for them. They surely need much prayer.

OUTRAGEOUS ASSAULT

Alright Now As I walk into this room and all of this is transpiring, now, bless your hearts, I don’t know what’s going to be in the next room after this has transpired and I have taken the vows that I will always remain a virgin, I’ll never legally marry in this world because I’m the spouse of Christ. And then, after this, the mother superior leads me out into another room or, rather, she opens the door and I’m to be sent into that room. And when I walk out in that room I see something I have never seen before. I see a Roman Catholic priest dressed in a holy habit. And he walks over to me and he locks his arm in my arm which he has never done in the first part of my convent life. I never had a priest to insult me in any way. I never had one of them to be even unkind to me in the first part of my convent experience. But here he is now, and of course I didn’t understand what it was all about and I didn’t know what in the world the man really expected of me. And, you know, I pulled from him because I felt highly insulted. And I pulled from him and I said, “Shame on ya!” And I made him very angry for a minute and he said, uh, immediately the mother superior must have heard my voice because she came out immediately and she said, “Oh,” (and they called me by my church name) she said, “After you’ve been in the convent a little while you won’t feel this way. The rest of us felt the same way you do and you know the priest’s body is sanctified, and therefore it is not a sin for us to give the priests our bodies.”

In other words, they teach every little nun this: As the Holy Ghost placed the germ in Mary’s womb and Jesus Christ was born, so the priest is the Holy Ghost and therefore it isn’t a sin for us to bear his children. And let me tell you, that’s what they come to the convent for. For no other purpose in all of this world do priests come into the convent but to rob those precious little girls of their virtue. And I’ll assure you, we’ll be telling you a little later in the testimony what they really do after they come in under those particular deals. But may I say now every bridge has been burned out from under me. There’s no way back. I can’t get out of the convent even though I’ve pled. Oh, how I pled with that priest! “Send for my father, I want to go home! I don’t want to go any farther.” And let me tell you, that’s when you stand alone. You don’t know who to turn to and you’re a victim of circumstances and you’ll live in the convent because there is no other way to get out of the convent. And I’ll assure you, I stayed in the convent until God made a way for me to come out.

And so, after all of this, my mail was stopped. I’ll never receive another bit of mail from my family. Never another letter. I belong to the pope. I belong to Rome. And then, after all of this, the mother superior after taking these particular vows and the priest has invited me to go to the bridal chamber. You say, “Did you go?” No. Definitely not. I didn’t enter the convent to be a bad woman. It would have been much easier to have stayed out of the convent to be a bad woman. You wouldn’t go into the convent and live in the poverty we live in and to suffer as we suffered to be a bad woman. No girl would do that and it would have been much easier to stay out of the convent if I wanted to be a bad woman, but I went there to give my life and heart to God and that was the only purpose I had in going there. And here this priest is, and of course I didn’t go to the bridal chamber with him. I had a strong body then. One of us would have been wounded because I would have fought until the last drop of blood. And you know it made them very, very angry I’ll assure you because I didn’t go to the bridal chamber with him.

FUNERAL DUTY, A BROKEN RULE, PUNISHMENT IN A DUNGEON

Now I’m going to have to go to penance the next morning and of course this will be a heavier penance because of what I done already. And when the mother superior says, “We’re going to do penance” the next morning I’m going to be initiated as a Carmelite nun. And I remember when she walked me down into that particular place it was a dark room. Remember, I lived above, one the first floor until my black veil. After the black veil they take me one story under the ground. And I lived from there on, until God delivered me, under the ground. I didn’t live in the top part of this building at all. You know, as we walked into this room it’s dark and it’s very cold. And when we walked in we came from back there somewhere and we come walking to the front and I walked alongside the mother superior and when we got near the front I saw those little candles burning. Anywhere in the convent you’ll find the seven candles burning. And when I came a little closer I saw the candles but I couldn’t see anything else and I wondered, “What’s she going to do to me?” That’s the thing in our hearts and we can’t get away from it because we have fear.

And when I come a little closer I saw something lying on a board there. And you know when I came real close then I realized, here’s a little nun lying on that board. I’ll call it a cooling board because it was that. And just as long as her body. And there she was and when I could see where the candles flickered down on her face I realized, “That child is dead!” And oh, I wanted so much to say, “How did she die? Why is she here? How long do you keep her here?” But you remember I signed away every human right and so I can’t say one word, but I stood looking. And the mother superior said, “You stand vigil over this dead body for one hour.” And at then end of the hour a little bell is tapped and another nun will come to relieve me. And may I say I was advised every so many minutes I have to walk out in the front of that little body and sprinkle holy water and ashes over the body and say, “Peace be unto you.”

And I did exactly what they told me to do. Oh, it was a terrible feeling. I’m not afraid of the dead. It’s the live people we have to be very cautious about. And I wasn’t afraid of that little dead nun, but oh, my heart ached for her. And you know after the bell tapped and I realized my hour is gone the nun who comes to relieve us comes back here somewhere and of course she walks on her tiptoes. No noise is made in the convent and they don’t speak, they just touch you. And, of course, my being down there with that little dead nun I was full of fear. Well that girl laid a hand on my shoulder, I let out a scream, a horrible scream from fear, just fear. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t break that rule on purpose, but I was scared.

And immediately, of course I had to come before the mother superior and that’s when I first learned to know, one of the first times about a dungeon. They didn’t tell me there were dungeons in the convent. And she put me in such a dirty dark place with no floor in it for three days and nights. And I didn’t get any food and any water, and I’ll assure you, I didn’t scream any more. I tried so hard not to break the rules of screaming because there is a dungeon and I know they’ll put you in it. And let me tell you right now, it’s not a nice place to be. After you’ve been in one of those places, you’ll know what it feels like.

Alright, now, I’ll say this now before I go any further, that popery is a masterpiece of Satan. I said it’s a masterpiece of Satan with his lying wonders and his traditions and his deceptions. It’s a terrible thing when you know about it.

And so, as I come down into this room and she took me and let me look at this little girl, and that particular, we call it a penance is over. Now the very next morning she said again to me, “Charlotte, you’re going to do penance.” (Not the next morning, it was three days afterwards because I spent three days and nights in the dungeon). So the fourth, fifth morning, whichever it was she said, “You’re going to do penance.”

She took me down into another room. Not the same room. And when we come walking down this time I could see that big piece of wood but I didn’t know what it was. And when I came a little closer there was a cross. It was made of heavy timber. I might say it was eight or ten feet high. Very heavy. And that cross was sitting on an incline like that. And she had me walk over here at the base of the cross and she said, “Now strip your clothes off.” And I took my clothes off down to my waistline. Then she made me drape my body over the foot of that cross and she pulled my hands underneath and bound them to my feet. That’s where I’m going to spill my blood. She had not told me how, and neither could I ask how I would spill it. She gave two little nuns that came with her, a flagellation whip. I might call it a bamboo pole. It’s about this long, it’s about that big around, and it has six straps on it about this long. On the end of either (each) of those straps there’s a crossed piece of sharp metal. And those little nuns, each was given one of those whips and they stood on either side of the cross. At the same time those girls began whipping my body. And I mean when that metal hit my body it would break the hide of course. It would cut into the flesh and I spilled blood. It was running down to the floor. That’s my flagellation whipping. That is where I spill my blood as Jesus did upon Calvary. And of course I’m human, it wounded, it hurt! It was very painful.

After the whipping is over, they don’t bathe my body. They put my clothing back on my body and I have to go the rest of the day. When the night comes and I stand in front of my cell there, after we have to stand there to undress with our backs to each other, then when I went in, oh, I couldn’t sleep that night. I wasn’t a bit sleepy because I couldn’t take off all my clothes. They had dried in those wounds and it was terrible. I didn’t take them off for several nights. And I’ll assure you that when I came before my food I didn’t want my cup of black coffee.

A NINE-DAY PENANCE

In the morning we get a cup of black coffee they serve in a tin cup and we can have no milk or no sugar of any type and we have one slice of bread. That’s made by the nuns of the cloister. They weigh it. It weighs four ounces [113 g.]. That’s all I get for breakfast. And then, of course, in the evening I get a bowl of soup, and that’s fresh vegetables cooked together (there’s no seasoning in the soup whatsoever) and a half a slice of bread and three times a week they give me a half a glass of skim milk. That consists of my food 365 days in the year. And I began loosing weight very rapidly, I’ll assure you, because I didn’t have enough food to eat. I don’t know the day that I went to bed without a hungry stomach. Sometimes it would be so hungry I couldn’t sleep. The pain was gnawing. You can’t hardly stand it and you know you’re only going to get that one slice of bread the next morning. That doesn’t fill you up.

And of course, we have to work hard all day long. And I’ll assure you, those little nuns, and I covet your prayers for them, they need your prayers in more ways than one because you’ll go to bed with a full stomach tonight and you’re very comfortable right now. But I’ll assure you, there’s not one of them that’s comfortable. They’re hungry, and they’re sick, and they’re wounded, and they’re hurt. They’re heartsick and homesick and discouraged and, worst of all seemingly, they have no hope. No hope. You and I are looking forward to the day when we’re going to see Jesus. They have no hope whatsoever and I surely hope you don’t forget to pray for them. Alright that was terrible. I’ll assure you.

Then in a few mornings after this, the mother superior is taking me back for another initiation. And when I go into the penance chamber this morning we come from a place up here and we’re going to walk along like that clear to the back. And you know, it was quite a ways back there and I went through- part of it’s a tunnel. And then I come out into a room and I’ll walk through that railing. When I get way back there I see those candles burning and I see something else. There’s ropes hanging down from the ceiling and, oh, I’m so scared! I wonder what the ropes are for and what she’s going to do. After these two penances, you began to have a lot of fear in your heart. And so I can’t say anything and I walk back there and, you know, I saw the ropes then real plain. What they’re doing hanging down from that ceiling?

Then she tells me, “You go over there against the wall.” About that close from the wall and I have to stand sideways like this. Then she asks me to put up both of my thumbs and I did. And then she pulled one rope down and there’s a metal band fastened securely and she fastens that around the joint of my thumb. Then the other one comes down and fastens around this thumb. And there I’m standing like this, facing the wall and then, you know, she comes over here to the end and there’s a, uh, whatever you want to call it. She starts winding, and I start moving! And she’s taking me right up in the air. And, you know, when she gets me so just my toes are on the floor, just on my tiptoes, she fastens it. And there I hang. And all the weight of my body is on my thumbs and on my toes. Not a word is said. No one speaks a word. And she walks out of that room and locks the door. If you know what it means to hear a key lock in a door and know that I’m strung up there like that! You’ll never know unless you’re a nun. And when that woman walked out I didn’t know how long I’ll stay there, how long that woman would leave me there. And, you know, they didn’t come to give me food. They brought me no water. And I thought, “Is this it? Am I going to die back here just like this?”

And within a few hours, you can imagine, I’m still a human being, my muscles began to scream out with the pain. I was suffering. And woman let me hang. Nobody came near. And what good would it do for me to cry? You can spill every tear in your body. Nobody will hear you. There’s nobody there to care how many tears you spill. And so I just hung there. And finally I began to, seemingly, I felt like I couldn’t stand it. I’ll surely die if they don’t come and get me quickly! And I felt as if I was beginning to swell.

I don’t know how long went by and she opened the door one morning and she had something for me to eat and the water was in a pan. And it was potatoes, and those potatoes were not good to eat. They were in a pan. And there’s a shelf over there on the wall that she can adjust to the height of the nun. And you know, she pulled it up. Now (recall) I’m not against the wall. I’m about this far from it. But you get that food. She puts it there and says, “This is your food.” And she walks out.

Now, how am I going to get it? She didn’t let my hands down. But this is what you’ll learn and you’ll struggle to get it. I’m hungry. I’m so thirsty I feel like I’m going mad. And to get it, I discovered that this hand goes high and this one will come down a little bit. And that’ll keep on going higher as I lean I have to reach higher with this one. This one (the other) will automatically let down. And to get that water and that food I mean I had to get it like the dogs and cats. And I lapped as much of it as I could because I am so thirsty. And get those potatoes? I tried as hard as I could because I’m hungry! I mean I’m hungry! And I got as much of it as I could, naturally. But I was hungry! That’s the way she fed me for a while, and then she released the bonds on my hands and on my feet- (I shouldn’t have said on my feet). She didn’t release the bonds. She let me hang there for nine days and nine nights. (I almost got it mixed up with one of the other penances I want to give to you). I hung nine days and nine nights in this position and, may I say, the time come when I was so swollen here (and naturally I could see myself puffing out here) I felt like my eyes were coming out of my head. I felt like my arms were apart. I could see on them right there they were two or three size their normal size. I felt like I was that way all over my body and I was like a boil. I was in real suffering.

And then on the ninth day she comes in and she releases the bonds from my hands and my body and lets me down on the floor. Now I go down, I can’t walk. I’ll assure you I didn’t walk. I didn’t walk for a long time. But you know what? There’s two little nuns, they carry me out. One gets under my feet, one gets under my shoulders and they carry me in to the infirmary and they lay me on a slab of wood, and there they cut the clothing from my body. And let me tell you right now, nobody but God will ever know! I’m covered with vermin and filth. Why? I’m hanging there in my own human filth. There are no toilet facilities [in the penance chamber]. Right behind me is a stool and they had running water in it and the lid is down and they have sharp nails driven through that lid. If I break my ropes and fall on that, I would suffer terribly! And this is the life of a little nun behind cloister doors after they’ve already deceived us, disillusioned us, and got us back there, then this is the life that we’re living and these are the things that we’re going to have to do. And I’ll assure you, it isn’t anything funny.

DAILY ROUTINE

And then I remember as I lived on in that place, oh let me tell you! In the morning we have to get up out of our beds at 4:30 in the morning. The mother superior taps a bell and that means five minutes to dress and may I say to you folk, it’s not five a half minutes. You better get that clothing on in five minutes. I failed one time and I had to be punished severely, but I never failed again in all the years in the convent. And you know, when we are finished dressing, then we’re going to start marching. And we march by the mother superior and that mother superior’s going to appoint us to an office duty every morning. It might be scrubbing. It might be ironing. It might washing. It might be doing some hard work. But I have to work one hour, then we’ll go in and gather around the table and we’ll find, sitting in front of us, our tin cup full of coffee and our slice of bread.

And then, of course, we have hard work to do. We have, I think there was 12 tubs in the convent that I lived in, and we washed on the old-fashioned washboard. We have the old flat iron that you heat on the stove. And you know, it wouldn’t be so bad if we just had our own clothing in the convent, but the priests bring great bundles of clothing and put them in there because they can get them done for nothing. And we have to do that clothing on top of it. We work very, very hard, and they [the nuns] are not able to work because they don’t have enough food to eat, food to keep body, mind, and soul together. And these little girls are living under those particular circumstances. Well, I say we’re women without a country, and I mean just exactly what I say, women without a country. Now we belong to the pope. Anything they want to inflict upon my body they can do it. And all the howling I do, if I should howl, it wouldn’t make any difference because nobody’s going to hear me, and they have no idea that I’ll ever leave the convent. The plan is I’ll die there and be buried there.

Now you say, “Charlotte, can you go into the convent?” Any one of you folk can go into an open order convent or a closed convent into the speak room, and there is an outside chapel that you can walk into, of any that I know anything about. But don’t you just go in there and wander around to have some place to go, because you might meet something you’re not expecting. If you go in there, you go prepared to take food to some little girl that’s in there, and be sure that you know who you’re taking it to. And when you go, as you walk up toward the front of the building like this, you’ll see a bell, and you’ll know what to do because it’ll tell you. And you press a button there and there’ll be a gate swing out. It has about three shelves on it. And, of course you’ve brought something for someone that you know in the convent. It might be the mother coming to visit her daughter. And you know, when that bell is tapped the mother superior is back here behind a big black rail. Now that’s a big iron gate there’s heavy folds of black material clear across there and you can’t go back there. You’ll never see the mother superior, but she’ll answer you behind the black veil. And you might say, “I’ve brought some homemade candy for my daughter” and you might ask the mother superior to let you speak to her. You can’t see here, but you can speak to her.

You know, the mother will call that lovely little girl and call her out on the other side of the rail. You can’t see her. And you know what? The mother will speak to her and say, “Honey, are you happy here?”

And that little nun will say, “Mother, I am very happy.”

You say, “Why did she say that?” Well, bless your heart! Don’t you know that the mother superior is standing there and if we didn’t say that, after our mother is gone, then only God knows what the mother superior will do to the little nun, and so we must lie to our mother. Then the mother will say, “Do you have plenty to eat?” And that little nun will answer and say, “We have plenty to eat.” But, I’ll tell you, that mother will go home. She’ll prepare a lovely meal for the rest of the family, but if she could look in and see our table and see what her little girl is eating, if she could look into her little girl’s eyes after she’s been there for four years, she’d see those eyes are back in her head. She’d see that her little body’s begun to waste away. I’ll assure that mother, she’ll never eat another meal at home. No never. You’d never enjoy another meal if you could see your child after she’s in a convent for a period of time. But these things, of course, are under cover and we have to take what they give us.

LAUNDRY DUTY

Alright, now they can make us do anything. Here we are, the mother superior and I might be down in the laundry room, washing. (And I told you how we washed). And it’s a cement floor. Doing the type of laundry we do, some of it’s very heavy. The water slops out on the floor and, oh it’s such a mess! We’d walk in it and you know, then here comes the mother superior and to me, a mother superior, I’d just as soon you’d turn loose a lion that’s very hungry and let it come walking down that aisle as to see a mother superior in a convent. I was scared to death of her. Every time I saw that woman somebody had to suffer and we’re afraid of her and she knows that we’re afraid of her because she’s cruel, I’ll say her heart is callused. And here she comes. And there we are washing. And I tell you when she comes (and we know her, we feel her presence. Before you ever see her you know her footstep), and you know, we’ll wash a little harder. But when she gets down to you, wherever you are, she might address me, and she’ll say, “You come out here.” And I’m out there like a flash because I’m scared. And then she’ll say, “Prostrate yourself down and lick so many crosses on that floor.” That’s a cement floor! And of course I have to prostrate my body and lick those crosses, and those are not little tiny crosses. As far as I reach I have to lick those crosses. And she watches my countenance. If I don’t like it and she knows I that I don’t like it then she might say, “Ten.” She might say, “Twenty-five.” And then, you know, the next morning she might walk back there again, and because she saw something in my face that made her to know I didn’t like what she wanted me to do she may call me again. My tongue by this time may be sore. It’s bleeding, but I have to lick those crosses on the floor again. And then they do the same way about compelling us to crawl. They’ll compel you to crawl, and I, may I say, it could be up and down an aisle like this ten times.

We know nothing about this lovely gospel of Jesus Christ. And so we have to do these things. Then the mother superior might walk through the cell door. By the way, in our cell, there’s nothing in there but the Virgin Mary, that is, she’s holding the baby Jesus, and there’s a crucifix, and then we have a prayer board. And by the way, I’ll assure you folk, you’ll never want to lean on our prayer board. We lean on it every day if we are able to walk under our own power. It is a board about this high from the ground and there are two leaning up like this one. And this one is about this wide and I’m going to drop my knees down on it and there are sharp wires coming up through that board. And then, this one up here, I’ll prostrate my arms on. There’s going to be sharp wires. After all, I told you we were going to suffer. We were going to do penance, and this is a part of my suffering. As I kneel on that prayer board I’m praying for lost humanity and I’m believing, as I suffer, that my grandmother will be released from a priest’s purgatory sooner because of my suffering. And I’ll kneel there longer sometimes. It’s terrible. We don’t know any better, so we’ll do that because that’s all that little nun does know, and we believe it.

And there we are, and we are locked in our cells. Every night the key is turned in those doors. We can’t get up and come out of there. Then, more than that, seven minutes of twelve (We go to bed at 9:30. The lights are out), seven minutes of twelve there’s two little nuns appointed to unlock every door. Every little nun again gets on her feet, dresses in full dress, goes into the inner chapel and there we again pray one hour for lost humanity. We don’t get very much sleep. That’s why. And we don’t get enough food and we work hard and we suffer much. That’s why our bodies are so broken. That’s why we seemingly don’t have enough strength to carry on after we’ve lived there.

LOSING HER RELIGION

But, I’d like to say this before I go on any farther. Now I did those very things. We are taught to believe that as we spill our own blood (now we must do this), as I whip my body, if I torment it or torture it in any way that I spill blood, I’m taught to believe that I’ll have 100 less days to spend in purgatory. Now you know we have no hope. Those little nuns don’t look forward to anything. You may think they do, but we don’t. Why? After you live in a convent 10 years, I began to realize the Virgin Mary is just a piece of metal. She’s a statue. I began to realize St. Peter’s just a statue. I began to realize that the statue of Jesus is just a piece of metal. In other words we come to the place to believe that our God is a dead god. And I’ll assure you, after you live in a convent long enough, not at first, oh no, but after we’ve suffered enough, after we’ve fallen down at the feet of those statues and spilled our tears on them and have begged them to intercede and get a prayer through to God and years go by with no answer from them whatsoever. A parent won’t even know when they’re dead. So who’s going to pray us out of purgatory? Or, rather, buy us out of purgatory?

No, we realize after we’re in there for a period of time that there is no purgatory. Of course, you know there isn’t and I know there isn’t, and there is no purgatory. The only purgatory the Roman Catholic people have is the priest’s pocket, and they’re filling his pockets with coins in order to pray for the dead. And may I say there are thousands and thousands of Roman Catholics in the month of November, may I say to you, in the United States two years ago in the month of November the Roman Catholic priests prayed masses for the dead of the Roman Catholic people of this country in one month collected 22 million dollars for masses said for dead Roman Catholics. That’s just a little idea or sample of what’s going on in this country, and still there are thousands of mothers that will work their fingers to the bone to go over there and give the priest another five dollars to say a mass for loved one that is in purgatory, because that mother believes there is a purgatory.

In the convent they have a painting of purgatory, and there’s nothing in the room but just that painting. And you know, every Friday we have to walk around that painting. And when we walk around it, I would you could look at the little nuns faces. What do I see? The painting, as you would walk around it, looks like its a big deep hole out there and there are people down in there, and the flames of fire are lapping around the bodies of those people, and their hands are outstretched like this, and the mother will say to the little nuns, “You better go and put another penance on your body. Those people are begging to get out of that fire.”

And because we’re heathens, we don’t know any better. I might go someplace in the convent and maybe I’ll burn my body real bad. Maybe I’ll torture some way and spill some more blood, because as I suffer I believe that they’re going to get out of that place where a priest puts them. And there are millions of people so to speak, in purgatory that your priests have put there and when he know that it is the biggest fraud in the world. He knows there’s not a bit of truth to it. And, bless your heart, I often say if you take purgatory and mass away from the Roman Catholic Church and you’ll rob her of nine-tenths of her living. She’ll starve to death if you would take it away from her. She commercializes, not only off of the living, but off of the dead. And on and on it goes.

THE PRIESTS

Alright. It doesn’t bother a mother superior to take one of those dear little girls, and may I say, you know, when the priests come into the convent they come as our father-confessors. Once a month we go to confession, and (we don’t want to go, don’t you worry!) I’ve many a time got in the back row. I didn’t want to go in there. I know who’s out there. One of them, (I may not know the particular man, but I know he’s a priest), and I know those priests. I certainly have seen them enough. I’ve lived there long enough. I certainly have had contact with every one of them. And I’ll assure you this one thing, I don’t trust one single one of those in the convent. Now, we’re not telling you about all the priests. I don’t know all the priests. I’m just talking about the convent in my personal testimony about convent life, and you know we know something about what’s out in that room. Here we are. We know we’re going to confession today. It may take all day long. And here he comes, and I have never seen a Roman Catholic priest come into the convent that I was in without intoxicating liquor under his belt. And I say a man or a woman, regardless of who you may be, when you get liquor under your belt, you are not a man, neither are you a woman. You become an animal and a beast. And so we have a beast sitting out there. There’s a straight-backed, hard-bottomed chair. No other furniture but the crucifix and the Virgin Mary, but here he is sitting on that chair right out there in the middle of that room. Now here a little girl has to walk out there alone, and she has to kneel down. Think of it! Why bless your heart, I really sometimes, I’m saved now, I’m out of the convent and I now look back at that Roman Catholic priest and I often say, “I’m sure he was a twin brother to the devil because he’s full of sin. He’s full of vice. He’s full of corruption.”

And we go out there and we kneel down at his knees. Now you are a lucky girl if you get away from that man without being destroyed. Why, he’s drunk. He’s just a beast. He’s not a man. Oh, he has a holy habit on. He’s an ordained Roman Catholic priest, and so I’ll assure you, we don’t like to go to confession, but we must go once a month. And those little girls can’t help themselves, and nobody comes out into that room but the priest and I until it’s all over, and then we can come back and the next one will have to come. And I’ll assure you, we don’t appreciate that day. And those little girls don’t know any better. They don’t know anything about the plan of salvation. They don’t know that Jesus went to Calvary and died for them. They don’t know that he shed his blood for them. Those little girls know nothing about it, because to me, I’ll repeat again, the Bible was a hidden book to every one of those little girls.

And so now they can do things like this. Now if a Roman Catholic priest comes into the convent, he may go to the mother superior and ask her to permit him to go into the cell where one of the nuns are. And you know, that mother with her carnal mind and her carnal heart, and she’s very hard and very carnal, and she is the mother many times of many illegitimate children, they belong to the priest. And you know, she’ll take that priest, and he drinking, she knows it. They bring liquor in with them. Sometimes some of the nuns will drink with them, and the mother usually drinks with them. (And it’s really a terrible place, it is, not a religious order. It does not live up to that name whatsoever). But here she brings that priest into one of our cells. Now, I wonder if you realize how serious it is. That Roman Catholic priest, he has liquor under his belt. We know that. But he has a big strong body. He’s had three square meals of food every day of his life. He can eat all the food that he wants. But you know, there’s a little nun that may have a broken body, and she may not have very much strength. And what did he come into that cell for? For nothing other than to destroy that little nun.

I often say I wish the government could walk into a convent just about the time one of those priests are let into a cell. The mother will turn a key in the lock and you’re locked in there with that priest. Now we have no way to defend ourselves, and I often say (I had to nurse those little girls. I’m an R.N. I got my nurse’s training by going through the tunnel over to the hospital as I lived in an open order convent). But may I say that after that priest is taken out of there, if you could look upon the body of that little nun, she looks like something you’d throw out in a hog pen and a half dozen old sows had just mauled that child’s body. And this is convent life! I can understand why your priests are calling over the phone every day or two and screaming their heads off because I’m in this city giving this testimony. But may I say to you, I don’t mind if they continue to scream. I don’t mind what they do. I’m not one bit afraid of them. I’ll continue to give this testimony. As long as God gives me strength, I’ll be giving this testimony regardless of your priests or your bishops in this country. I know what I’m doing. I know what I’m saying, and I’m not afraid of anybody in all of this world. I’m a child of God, and I believe God won’t let anybody put a hand on me until my work is finished, and then I often say, I don’t care what you do to my body after I leave this body. I’m sure I don’t mind. So I will continue to give this testimony, regardless of what your priests think about it, because I think God saved me to pull the cover off of convents. I believe He saved me to uncloak those places that are riding under the cloak of religion. I believe that with all of my heart. I’ll assure you I do.

Now, if I refuse to give my body (you know we are supposed to give our body voluntarily to those priests. Many times the nuns are overpowered), but if I refuse to give my body voluntarily to them, then you know he becomes very angry and he goes immediately to the mother superior. Then when two carnal minds come together, they can invent things that you and I- we don’t have enough evil in our heart to invent things like that. We don’t have enough sin in our lives to even think of such terrible things. And when those two carnal minds come together, the next time, I want you to know, they’re all ready. Now the mother superior might say to me in a day or two, “Now, we’re going to do penance.” Now the penance that they’ll inflict on me is something that the mother superior and the priest has invented and it might be very, very cruel. They might take me down into one of the dirty dungeons (and there’s no floors in those places), and you know they have a place down there, there are rods about three feet long. They have them burrowed down into cement and at the top of it there’s a ring about this big sticking out of the ground. They have some leather straps fastened there. And when they take me down there, they put either foot through those rings and then they strap my ankles securely. Now I’m standing [balanced above the floor?] with my feet in those rings.

PUNISHMENT

Alright. They’re going out of there, and they’re going to leave me locked up in that place by myself. And it’s a dirty place. Why I might stand there for two or three hours, if I have strength enough in my body. But what do you think’s going to happen to me then? I can’t stand any longer. Sometimes we faint. Sometimes we just become exhausted and we go down. But when I go down, it flips my ankles over like that and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t have what it takes for me to get up. I may have to lie in that position for two or three days and no one will come near. They won’t give me a bite of food. They won’t bring me one drop of water, but I must stay there. And the next thing you feel is the bugs crawling over my body and the mice running over me, and I still have to stay there. I can understand why they don’t want me to uncover. They don’t want the world to know these things are going on. No priest in this country wants it. And if he doesn’t want the world to know it, he better be pretty careful that nobody ever gets out of a convent after they’ve spent a few years back there.

But may I say again to you that my God is greater than all the outside forces. My God can reach his hand over there into those convents in this country or any other country and make a way for a girl to come out and he won’t have to ask the bishops to help Him. He won’t have to ask the priests to help Him, but God can make a way for us to come out. I’ll assure you that.

UNWANTED PREGNANCY

Well on it goes. Then sometimes the priest come and they get angry at us because we refuse to sin with them voluntarily. And you know, after all, the nuns bodies are broken after we’re there awhile. And many, many the time, to have him strike you in the mouth is a terrible thing. I’ve had my front teeth knocked out. I know what it’s all about. And then they get you down on the floor and then kick you in the stomach. Many of those precious little girls have babies under their heart, and it doesn’t bother a priest to kick you in the stomach with a baby under your heart. He doesn’t mind. The baby is going to be killed anyway because those babies are going to be born in the convent. Why wouldn’t babies be born when you run places like this under the cloak of religion? The world thinks it’s a religious orders, and there are babies born in there. And most of the babies are premature. Many of them are abnormal. Very, very seldom do we ever see a normal baby.

You say, “Sister Charlotte, do you dare to say that?” I most definitely do dare to say it, and I intend to keep on saying it. Why? I’ve delivered those babies with these hands, and what I’ve seen with my eyes and I’ve done with my hands, I just challenge the whole world to say it isn’t true. And the only way they can ever prove it isn’t true, they’ll have to open every convent door. If they ever serve a summons on me and call me into court, I’ll assure you this one thing: convents are coming open and then the world will know what convents really are. And they’ll have to open them to vindicate my testimony, because I know what I’ll do if they ever serve a summons on me. I’ve been before the highest laws we have in the United States. I know what I’m doing. I know what I can say, and I’m not one bit afraid to say it because I’ve been a part of this. I’ve been connected with this system 22 years behind convent doors, and it is a terrible thing.

When that dear little nun is looking forward to that day when her precious baby will be born, most of you dear mothers, oh, you have everything ready. The beautiful nursery! All the baby’s beautiful clothes are made. Everything is lovely! You’re looking forward to that precious little immortal soul that’s going to be born into your home, and everything is ready. Oh I wish you could see that little nun. She’s not looking forward to that. There won’t ever be a blanket around his body. They’ll never bathe that baby’s body, but he can only live four or five hours. And then the mother superior will take that baby and put her fingers in its nostrils, cover its mouth and snuff its little life out.

And why do they build these lime pits in the convent? What is the reason for building them if it isn’t to kill the babies? And that baby will be taken into the lime pit and chemical lime will be put over its body. And that’s the end of babies. Oh, when I think about it! That’s why I try to challenge people. Pray! If you know how to pray, if you know how to contact God, pray and ask God to deliver the girls behind convent doors. In other words, pray that God will make a way for every convent in the United States to be opened, and let the government go in. And when the government goes in, you won’t have to worry. The convents will be opened. The nuns will be taken out, and [the convents] will be closed up just as they opened the convents in old Mexico in 1934. There are no convents in old Mexico. Every posturate(?) is open and they found all of the corruption back there. The lime pit. If any of you are taking a vacation, go over into old Mexico. The government owns them. They’re public museums. Go through the convents. Look with your own eyes. Touch with your own hands, and then come home and see if you believe my testimony. It’ll still every bit of red blood in you veins. I mean it’ll do something to you that nothing else has ever been able to do. Go through them and look at them. Go into the dungeons. Go into the tunnels. Go through the lime pit and look at the skulls, rooms of skulls over there, and then ask the guide where they come from. And go and see all the devices of torture they placed upon the bodies of the little nuns. Go into their cells and look at their beds and see for yourself. Oh yes, you can go. It’ll cost you twenty-five cents to go through each one of them. You look at those things and see them for yourself, and then come home and maybe it will give you a greater burden to pray for little girls that have been enticed behind convent doors by the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church.

EXECUTION

I wonder how you would feel if this was your child. And remember, I have a mother and daddy, or had one, and they loved me just as much as you love your children. And when they let me go into the convent I’m sure my mother and daddy didn’t expect these things to happen because they didn’t know. They never dreamed a convent was like this. But, you know, I wonder how you’d feel if you could walk in someday and out there in this particular room, that floor is built for this purpose. There’s a partition right out there, and there’s just a little thing they can touch. It automatically opens, and, you know, there’s a deep hole underneath that floor and this little nun has done something. I can’t tell you what she’s done because I wasn’t there when she done it, but she’s done something, and to them it’s very serious. And when they bring her, they bring here to this particular place. Her little hands and feet are going to be bound securely. They’re going to drop her in that horrible, horrible pit, and then they’re going to put the boards back down. Oh, there’s plenty of chemical and lime down there. But you know, they don’t do that. Six little nuns have to walk around that [open] hole. We’ll chant as we walk around that hole. We don’t want any evil spirits to come out into the convent, so we sprinkle holy water over that hole. We may walk for six hours and then they’ll appoint six more nuns, and on and on it goes until we hear the last moan.

And that’s the end of the little nun they placed down there. No, she’ll never be delivered from the convent, but does it bother you to know that that little nun will die and be lost? Does that bother you? It bothers me because I didn’t know Jesus I couldn’t tell her about God. I didn’t know him myself. But it bothers me very, very much, but God will not hold me accountable. Her blood will not be on my hands because I didn’t know the Lord and I couldn’t tell her about him. And so, on it goes, and I wonder how you see it.

Here we are, a body of those little nuns. On this particular morning, the mother superior might say this, “We’re all going to be lined up here.” And I don’t know what she’s lining me up for. And then, you know, there might be ten others, there might be 15 others, and then she’ll tell us all to strip and we have to take every stitch of our clothing off. We’re certainly not anything beautiful to look at. Ours eyes are back in our head. Our cheeks are fallen in. Our bodies are wasted. God only knows what we look like, because I never saw myself in 22 years. I didn’t know I had gray hair. I didn’t know I had lines in my face. I didn’t know how old I was- I only found that out about six years ago. You know nothing about what you look like.

And here we are, lined up, and here comes two or three Roman Catholic priests with liquor under their belts, and there they’re going to march in front of those nude girls and choose the girl they want to take to the cell with them. These are convents, cloistered convents, not open orders. The priest can do anything he wants to and hide behind the cloak of religion. Then that same Roman Catholic priest will go back into the Roman Catholic churches and there he’ll say mass, and there he’ll go into the confessional box and make those poor people believe he can give them absolution from their sins when he’s full of sin. When he’s full of corruption and vice, still he acts as their God. What a terrible thing it is. And on it goes.

A PLOT TO KILL

Well, I lived there. Now all the time these things are going on, what do you think is happening inside of Charlotte? God love your hearts! I didn’t know people could hold so much hatred and bitterness. And it went on and on. I was filled with bitterness and hatred, and I mean it continued to build. I began in my heart to think, “When I can get the mother superior in a certain place, I’ll kill her.” Isn’t it awful to get murder in our hearts? I didn’t go into the convent with a heart like that nor a mind like that, but I began to plan murder in the convent, how I could kill her, and how I could kill a Roman Catholic priest. And on and on it goes. And oh, I’ll tell you, every time she’d inflict something awful on my body, that I’d have to suffer so terribly, when I could think sensibly again, then I would begin to plan. how I could kill that woman. And on it goes. Well, after all you can’t help it. For instance, I wonder how you would feel.

The mother superior, here she is, and she’s going to sit me down in a chair. And you know, that chair is straight-backed, hard-bottomed and I don’t have any hair. She’s going to take everything off my head. And you know she’s going to put my hands like this. They’d be out here in stocks, and I going to have to bend my head over like that in order to put the stocks across my neck, and I’m fastened securely, and over my head there is a faucet of water, and you know, there is a faucet of water just above my head and my head’s over. Now that mother’s going to turn that water on. Just a drop, and the drop will come about this fast. It’ll hit me right there on the back of my head, and you know, I can’t move either way. I sat there. One hour, two hours, three hours, four hours. What do you think’s going on? I’m sitting there. I can’t move. I do everything to get away from that drop of water in the same spot on my head. Why, God love your heart, if you could look in you’d see us frothing at the mouth. You’d see those little girls. They’re trying so hard to move to get away from that water, and they let us stay there sometimes ten hours. All day long. Many, many times a little nun cracks up completely. She goes stark raving mad under this particular penance.

What in the world do they do with her? I’ll tell you in a few minutes. Don’t you worry. They have a place for us after we go mad in the convent. They take care of us. They have places for the little nuns. There’s places built down there for us.

Well, on it goes. Well, you know, these things went on and went on and went on. And it was terrible. But, you know, I began to plan and plan and plan. After she has done something like that to me it’s terrible.

One day the mother superior took violently ill. You say, “Who would take her place?” There are about three, sometimes they have four older nuns, and they always pick the one that’s hard. The one that seemingly is carnal. That one that has no conscience to be a mother superior, and she works under this one. One day if something happens to the main mother superior, another one will take her place. And on it goes. But, you know, this particular day they sent word to me. “The mother superior,” I was to come into her room, “she’s very sick.” And quicker than lightening I began to think, “If I got in that mother superior’s room! I know what I’ll do.” You know, after all, I’m a sinner. I’m a nun, but I’m a sinner, and I don’t know God, and I have a lot of hatred in my heart, and I walk in that room. They have called in an outside Roman Catholic doctor. She’s a very sick woman, and he has left all orders, and they have left the medicine and everything. Now I’m supposed to take care of her, and that was wonderful. I do take care of her. All day long I did what they told me to do, what I’m supposed to do. And those particular tablets. I knew what they were and what they would do, and I knew what she was taking them for.

But anyway, all day long I gave her her medicine. I done everything I’m supposed to. All evening long. Why? I want to be sure what I’m doing. When I do it, I have to be careful. And you know I waited until one o’clock in the morning. Why? Because every night those little nuns have to be gotten out of bed and chant from twelve to one. Seven minutes of twelve, until one. I thought I’ll wait until all the nuns go back to bed then I’m going to do something. And, bless your hearts, after they were all back in their beds, I’ll tell you what I did. I took five or six of those tables. I was only supposed to take one in a half a glass of water every so often and give it to her. But, because of the type they were and what type of tablet it was, I knew what it would do. I put six of them in a glass of water and stirred them up, and I gave them to her. I knew she would go into convulsions. It would twist her completely out of shape. I knew that woman would suffer a million deaths in 25 minutes. I knew that, and I thought, “I’m going to watch her suffer because she has punished us. She has hurt us so many thousands of times. I’ll watch her suffer.”

Isn’t it terrible to think a child can live in a place like that long enough until she has the same kind of a heart almost the mother superior has. But that’s what comes when sin gets into you life. And so I waited. You know, I gave them to her, and something happened to me. I got scared, and I began to look at that woman as she began to change color, and I couldn’t find her pulse. I couldn’t find her respiration. I was frightened, and I thought, “Oh! What shall I do? If they find her dead, only God knows what they’ll do to me.”

I’ll tell you what I did. I got that stomach pump and pumped as quick as I could. I pumped that woman’s stomach. I massaged that woman. I done everything there was to do, and oh, thank God, she didn’t die. I said I thank God. But, you know, I sat down by the bed and held her hand and watched her carefully until the respiration came back normal, until her pulse was normal and I felt she would live.

And I thought of another thing. I’ll do this then! I saw where her keys were hid right there in her shelf in her own room. So they’re on a big chain, or a big ring, and I thought, “I’m going to take those keys. I’m going down into that dungeon. When I say down this is two stories under the ground. I’m going someplace where she’s always warned us. It’s a solid wall like that, and clear to the back end of that wall there’s one door, and it’s heavy, and it’s always locked, and I’ve heard her tell me scores of times (and I’m sure she has [told] the others), “Don’t ever try to go through that door.”

A GRUESOME DISCOVERY

What in the world is over there, and why did she tell us that? We can’t get through it. It’s locked! But, you know, I wondered what was back there because when they had me in the dungeon a long time once, I heard screams under the ground. I heard such blood-curdling screams, and I knew there was some girls locked up somewhere, and so I’m going through there if I find the key. And so I got her keys and I went into that particular place. And when I got back there, it took a while to do it, I want you to know, to find the key, but oh, it unlocked that door! I walked through that door, and I walked into a hall. The hall, I would say, is maybe five feet wide, maybe wider than that. That’s just a guess. Anyway, on the other side of the hall there were a number of cells over there. Small rooms, and they had real heavy doors, and in those cells were little nuns. And when I went up to the first one, near the top of the door there’s a little place about this long, about that wide, and it has iron bars going across there. And I looked right into the face of a little nun that I knew, one that I had sat across the table from, one that I had prayed with in the chapel. I knew that girl, and here she is. They had chains and a lock chained around either of her wrists and around her waistline! I said, “When did you have something to eat last?”

And no answer.

“How long have you been here?”

No answer.

I went down to the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth, and the stench was getting so bad I couldn’t stand it. And you know, those little girls would not talk. Why? I lived in the convent, you know, a long time. I don’t care if I was two miles under the convent, way back there we were working back there and we’d whisper. The next day I’d have to suffer because the convents are wired and the mother superior can hear every voice, every whisper, and then somebody tells, and you’re in some serious trouble. And those nuns have been there long enough. What have they done? I don’t know, but those nuns are supposed to have cracked up mentally and so they have to put them in those chains. And when they die, they can’t fall down to the floor. They just drop in those chains and slump. When they go in there, they don’t give them any more food, no more water. That’s a slow death. And so, as I saw all of that I became so sick from the terrible stench, because many of them are already dead. I don’t know how long they’ve been dead.

I came out of there and walked back up to this room where the mother superior was, and she was lying there sleeping. And I watched her there carefully, and she slept until the next day, long, long hours and didn’t waken. And when she did, she said, “I’ve had a long sleep.” And I said, “Yes.” They let me take care of her for three days, and you know, the third day- I don’t know. You say, “Did she ever find out you was down there?” Well not yet. I hope she didn’t while I was there.

A DESPARATE PLAN

But anyway, after three days they put me out in the kitchen. In other words, when we go to the kitchen, six of us go for a six weeks period. And this particular time they put me out in the kitchen with five other little nuns. What am I there for? I’m doing the kitchen work. I’m going to do all of the cooking that’s done out there and take care of the work in the kitchen. And so, when I when out in the kitchen, we have a long table back here, and it’s a work table, and our vegetables will be prepared for the soup, and that’s what we were doing, all six of us. And something happened. Our kitchen is a very large room, and a very long room, not as wide as it is long, and over at one end of it you will find over here there’s stair steps leading, about four of them leading down. Then there’s a landing right there. Over there is a big heavy outside door, but here there is a landing. Our garbage cans sit there, and right here is a stairway, a cement one, leading down one story under the ground. Now, I’m up on the first floor in this kitchen.

Alright, now as I’m in there and we’re in there working something happened. Somebody touched the garbage can. You know, all my convent life we are taught never to break silence. We don’t dare to make noises in the convent. We are punished for them. And when something touched the garbage can that’s a noise. Who in the world-? There’s six of us and we’re all together. Who is touching the garbage can? I wheeled around. They wheeled around, and we saw a man, and you know, that man was picking up the full can and leaving an empty one. I’ve never seen that before. I’ve been in that convent for years, and in the kitchen, but I never saw anything like that happen. I believe God had his hand on me. With all my heart I believe it. And you say, “What happened?” Well, we turned around quickly because to us it’s a mortal sin to look upon a man other than a Roman Catholic priest. And I mean we turned around quickly and went to our work. But, you know, I thought, “If that man comes back again to get another full can, I’m going to give him a note and I’m going to ask him if I can run out with him.”

But, I didn’t do that, but do you know what I did? When we run out of something in the kitchen there’s a pencil hanging up there on a chain, and bless your heart, I have to (or whoever it is that runs out), you have to write it on a tab, and of course I stole a piece of paper off of a sack, and I thought, “I’ll carry that little piece of paper in my skirt pocket, and every time I can get a hold of that pencil I’m going to write a word or two on that note.” And that’s what I did. It took quite a while to do it, but oh, I watched that garbage can! Every time I could take the garbage down there I did it. And you know, when it was just about full, and I thought, “The next evening, it’ll be full when we put all the garbage in it.”

And so, that afternoon I broke my crucifix, and I laid it up on a shelf, and I had a hard time doing it because they’re watching me. But I did it, and I laid it up on a shelf, and I did that to have a way to get back to have a way to get back to that room, of course. And when our dinner work is over, our supper dishes, everybody has to go out at the same time and we march by the mother superior. And, you know, when I marched by, I stopped and said, “May I speak to you?” And I did, and I said, “Mother Superior I broke my crucifix and I left it in the kitchen. May I go for it?” (And of course no nun goes without her crucifix).

And she said, “How did you break it?” I lied to her. Everything she asked me, I lied to her. You say, “Why did you lie?” She lies to us, and we’re all sinners, so we all lie, and it doesn’t make any difference in there. And so we lied, and I lied to her, and then finally she said, “You go get the crucifix and come right back.” And that’s all I wanted anyway. I have to have a reason. You can’t go back to the kitchen after you’ve left it. So I didn’t go for the crucifix, but she thought I did, and I run for this tin can. Why? That night when I put my garbage in there I put a note right on top of that garbage and left the lid off, which I was not supposed to do. And, you know, I said on the note to the garbage man, “If you get this, won’t you please help me out? Won’t you do something to help the little nuns out?” I told him about those 19 cells down there and those 19 nuns in them. I told him about some of the babies that had been killed. I told him some other little nuns that are locked up in the dungeon and they’re bound with chains. I told him a-plenty, and I said, “Won’t you help us? If you will, please leave a note under the empty can.” That’s what I went back for.

THE ESCAPE

And when I lifted up the can and found a note, you don’t know how I felt. I froze to the floor. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I picked that piece of paper up and I read, and this is what that man said, “I’m leaving that door unlocked and I’ll leave the big iron gate unlocked. You come out.” Oh, let me tell you. That’s almost more than you’d ever- I never dreamed I’d get out of a convent. I never thought of ever getting out. I wanted out, but you say oh yes, when I could collect myself I reached over and turned the knob, and do you know, it opened! I walked out of that convent and I slammed it through. I was sure the lock was on it, and I got out to the big iron gate but, oh, he had me trapped. That iron gate was just as locked as it was ever locked! You don’t know what it done to me to stand looking at the iron gate. I’m locked out of the convent. I have no right out there. You can’t imagine. I don’t know if I groaned (?) right there. I don’t know. I know I’ve suffered enough because I’m scared half to death. And what will I do if I go back there and pound on that door? What will they do with me? And, oh, the fear that grips your heart. And you say, “What did you do?”

I didn’t have any shoes and stockings on. I had worn those out years ago. When I think of the Roman Catholic Church being the richest church in the world and they let those little nuns go winter and summer without any shoes and without any hose, living in crucial poverty, I wonder how they can do it! Hungry as we are, their priests are all nice and fat. The little nuns are so hungry, I wonder how they do it sometimes. You say, “What did you do, Charlotte?” Well, I’ll tell you, I just took a hold of that big iron gate, and I tried to climb it. That’s all there was for me to do. And up about a foot and a half from the top there’s a ledge about six inches wide. I thought if I could get high enough to get my knee on the ledge I’m safe. And I did. I got one knee on the ledge, but by this time I don’t have any strength left either. And you know, I thought, “What’ll I do? I’ll put one foot over, then I’ll get the other over.” Then I realized I have three skirts on. My skirts are gathered on a belt and they’re clear down to my ankles. My veil, of course is down to my knees in front and that long in the back. How will I ever get over those sharp points? And I thought, “I can’t go down, I don’t have strength enough, so I’ll have to jump.” And if I jump I’ll break every bone because I was a broken body, of course. And so I thought, “What’ll I do?” Well I pulled all of my clothing up around my body and held them with one hand, and then I thought, “I’ll have to jump.”

And you know, they have a buzzer in the convent, and when a little nun tries to escape and they [go to] catch her they put a buzzer on. And, oh, the priests tell you they don’t come to the convent, I wish you could see the priests then. You’ll find a good many of them there, and they immediately are after that nun. They don’t want her out. If she comes out of that convent, she’s going to give a testimony some day, and it’ll pull the cloak off of convents. And I’ll assure you they don’t intend for us to get out.

And so, as I let loose of that top of that gate and I made that jump, I just didn’t make it. My clothing caught on top of those points and I hung there, but I let loose. And I often say I don’t know what I looked like. I didn’t know I had gray hair, but I’ve often said, “Maybe my hair turned gray there.” Maybe you’ll never know what I suffered hanging there on top of that gate, knowing that buzzer could go on any minute and then what would they do to me? I was scared. So I thought I’d try to wiggle my body and to force swing it if I can get back far enough to grab the gate with one hand maybe I can help myself. And I did. And then with the other hand I tried to pry the snappers loose on my skirt, and that let me fall between them. Do you know what happened to me? I hit the ground. I was out. I was unconscious for a while. I don’t know how long though, we have no way to tell. But when I came to, I had a shoulder broken and my arm was broken right in here. The bone had snapped right through my flesh because I didn’t have any meat on me.

SEEKING HELP

And I thought, “What’ll I do?” And I realized I’m on the outside. “Where am I going?” Where do you think you’d go? I’m not in the United States. I’m in another country and I don’t know a thing about that country. When they took me over there I was so heavily veiled and they took me from that particular train to the convent, I was so heavily veiled I couldn’t see anything. And I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if I have any people. I don’t know if I know anybody in the world. And I’m a pauper. I don’t have any money, and I’m hungry, and my body’s broken, and I’m hurt now. Where do you think you’d go? I tell you. It’s something to think about. I just started away. But get away from the convent! And I did. I started moving away.

All the leaves were falling and they made so much noise! And I was scared, and I kept on moving, and finally dark overtook me, or rather, there’s no twilight in that part of the country- it just drops off into darkness. And, you know, I saw this little building beside the road. I thought, “I’ll crawl in it.” It was a doghouse or maybe a chicken coop or something. But it’s dirty and I crawled in there because I was shaking and scared. And I lay in there a little while to get a hold of myself, and I thought, “I’ll have to travel, it’s dark. It’s safer for me.” So I got out and I traveled that night and the next day. I hid behind pieces of board and tin that was piled up against an old building. And all day long, imagine, hiding in that hot place! And hungry as I was, with broken bones, do you realize what it was all about? No. You will never know. But I do.

And then, you know, when night came again I have to go because I’m going to get away from the convent. I’m afraid to rap on somebody’s door. Remember, I’m scared. I don’t know, I might rap on a Roman Catholic’s door. They’ll immediately notify the priests and I’ll be taken back to the convent. And I’d rather they kill me than take me back. And so I didn’t [knock], but I went on and on and on. And then the next night I hid out in an old stroft (?) bag. And then, that afternoon on the third day, I was scared then because this arm was swollen as tight as it could swell and I was having to carry it in the other hand. And all my fingers began to turn blue, and I realized gangrene poisoning was setting in. And, you know, there’s nobody to do anything for you. And I realized I’m going to die just like a rat beside the road. That’s a terrible feeling, and I thought, “What’ll I do? I’ll just get out and go [die] a little sooner. I’ll just have to rap on somebody’s door.” And that’s what I did.

I remember as I walked (I don’t know how far) I saw this lamp. It was an old fashioned lamp, burning. Very poor house, no paint on it, and I knew those were poor people. So I walked up to the screen door and I rapped on it, and a tall man came to the door. He was rather old. And I said, “Please, may I have a drink of water.” And you know, that old man didn’t answer me, but he walked back in the house, and he called his wife. And, God bless her heart, she’s like most old-fashioned mothers. She came to the door, and she didn’t say, “Who are you and what do you want?” Thank God there are a lot of good people in this world. That dear little woman just pushed that door open and said, “Won’t you come in and sit down?” Do you know that’s the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life? I should say I’ll come in and sit down! And she pulled out a chair, and I sat down on it. I’m glad to sit down.

And you know, she’s poor. There’re no rugs on the floor of any type, red-checkered tablecloth on the table, a little old stove over there in the corner, and there was a fire in it. And that woman put some milk in a pan and heated it and brought it over to me. And, you know, I’m hungry. I don’t have any manners. I forgot how to act. I forgot a lot of things in 22 years. And I grabbed that glass of milk before she ever sat it down, and I gobbled it down. I’m so hungry, I felt like I’m, going stark mad. And I took it instantly, and the moment it touched my stomach, of course I couldn’t retain it. I lost it. I haven’t had any whole milk in 22 years. You could understand why I couldn’t take it. And she knew what to do. She went out into the kitchen and she heated some water, or rather over to the stove and heated some water. And bless her heart, she put some sugar in that water, and she brought it over to me, and she sat down and gave it to me from a spoon. I took every bit of it. Oh, it was good! It was nourishing.

And then the daddy walked over by me and he said, “Now tell us who you are and where you come from” I began to cry. I was scared then. I said, “I’ve run away from the convent and I’m not going back.” And he said, “What happened to you?” And my hand was laying upon the table. And I said, “Well, I tried to get over the gate and I fell, and I’m hurt.”

THE DOCTOR

And, you know, he said, “We’ll have to call a doctor.” And bless your sweet life, then I really became hysterical. I got up from the table, I was going to run back outside, and they wouldn’t let me. He said, “Wait a minute. We’re not going to hurt you. You’re hurt. You have to have help.”

I said, “I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any people, and I can’t pay a doctor bill.” I was just in a terrible mess if you want to know it. And that man said to me, “I’m going after a doctor.” He said, “And he’s not a Roman Catholic, and neither am I.” And that dear man didn’t have a car, but he hitched up a horse and buggy and he drove nine miles to get a doctor. The doctor came out in his car, and when he got to the place, he got there ahead of the man. And when the doctor walked in and walked around me, he just kept walking around me and he was swearing. (Maybe he didn’t realize it was a terrible effect upon me). When he stopped and looked at me, of course he was mad. He was mad. Why was he mad? He was mad because he was looking at something that was supposed to be a human being, and I didn’t even look like a human being I was in such a horrible condition.

But finally he calmed down and he came over to me and he said, “I’ll have to take you to the hospital tonight.” Oh, I became hysterical. I said, “I don’t want to go. Please don’t make me go!” Then he sat down carefully and took my hand and he began to say, “I’m not going to hurt you. You have to have help, and I want to help you.”

That doctor took me into the hospital that night and that’s where I learned how much I weighed. He weighed me and I weighed exactly 89 pounds [40.5 kg]. I weigh 178 [81 kg] right now. And they, you know, they took me into surgery, and of course they tried to get the swelling and the inflammation out of my hand and arm [so] that they might do something for me. It took about 12 or 13 days. By this time it started to knit and they had to break it all over again and put it in a cast. I did a lot of suffering.

Well, you know, one day a way was made for me to be released from the hospital. Who did they release me to? I begged to go out to those old people to stay with them, and they let me go, because they had been good to me and I trusted them. And the doctor wanted to take me out to his home. I was in that hospital three and a half months. And they took me out there [to the old folks] and I stayed for a period of time. And then one day this same doctor, he wrote a letter and, do you know what he sent in that letter? He sent a check. He told the people to go and buy me a suitcase and get me some clothing. He was coming for me on a certain day. He told me, “I’m going to find your people for you.” You know that doctor is a stranger to me, but oh, how I thank God that he has men an women across this world and those men and women are not so selfish that they won’t use some of the money that God has allowed them to have to help that one that’s less fortunate than they. Here, he spent a lot of money on me. I was in that hospital three and a half months, and I mean there was a lot of money spent on me, but he paid the bills. How I appreciate it! And you know, that dear doctor, oh they took me, bought my clothing for me, bought my suitcase and everything was ready and the day came when he come, and you know, that doctor took me to the train. And he put me on a train in care of somebody, of course. He had found my people for me. I was on busses and trains and boats for a long time, and one day, after he had gotten my visa for me to get back into the United States, and I was always in the charge of somebody because they didn’t trust me to travel alone because of having to live under the ground so long.

HOME AT LAST

And one day they called the name of a town where I was, or where my mother and daddy lived. And you know I knew where mother and daddy lived and I got off of that train and I run down to their home, five blocks from that depot, just a very small town. And when I rang the bell, my daddy come to the door, and you know, I looked at his face, I didn’t know him. And because I didn’t know him I said, “Do you know where my father lives?”

And he said, “Who are you, and what’s your name?”

And I said my name, and I didn’t give him my church name, I gave him my family name. And that man looked at me, and of course it was his name, and he said, “Hooky, is this you?” My father didn’t know me, of course it was my dad, and that dear old man opened the door then and invited me in, and I said, “Dad, is Mother alive?” because I didn’t know about her. And he took me back in to see her and there she was. Seven and a half years she’s laid there, an invalid. A horrible, horrible invalid. And of course she didn’t know me and I didn’t know her.

Well, you know, that very night I took violently sick and they put me back in another hospital for another three months, but my father paid all of those bills. He reimbursed the doctor and paid the doctor in another country and paid the old people. He reimbursed them all. All of that was wonderful, and then, you know, one day after my body was strong enough since I’m here in the United States (oh, it took a long time, several years), I’m a nurse, and I took the examination to nurse. And do you know what God did? He let a woman come into that particular hospital. It was a Roman Catholic hospital.

This woman was a Church of God minister. She came in, and I thought, “How strange!” Just across the Mississippi River is two magnificent Protestant hospitals, and she lives in one of those cities. Right there, three cities joined together. And why in the world did she come over here to this Roman Catholic hospital? Why? I believe God had his hand on it all the time.You know that woman came in and the doctor said, “I want you to [indistinguishable] her case,” and I went in to prepare that woman for the operating table, and I heard her pray, and I want you to know, I became that woman’s private nurse. Her special nurse.

After she left the hospital she went home, and I became her special nurse in the home, and that woman asked if I wouldn’t go to church with her. And you know I lived in her home long enough to hear her pray. I lived in that home long enough to read the Bible to her because I’m her nurse and I did what she told me to. I had never read a Bible before in all of my life and she’d have to find the scriptures, and then I’d read them to her. And, you know, as I read the word of God, then God began to get a hold of me. And finally she said, “Won’t you go to church with me,” and I went to church with that woman, and I sat back there and I heard the gospel for the first time in my life. And you know, I’ll tell you, I went through four nights, and it was really beautiful. I’ve never heard anything like this. And all the time she was telling me about the plan of salvation, telling me about God, and that I needed God, and I needed to be saved. And, of course, I was believing her.

Do you know what I’d do every night? I go from church with that woman, and I’d say, “You go to bed, but let me go to the basement.” I’d lay my Bible down on the chair, and there I’d challenge God, and I’d say, “God, did you hear what the preacher said? Did you hear it, God?” And then I would tell God everything I could remember that the preacher said. I said, “God, you heard every word, didn’t you? Now, if you are God and the Bible is the word of God, God you’re real! I want what those people have. But, if you’re not God, and the word of God is not your word, then God, please don’t give to me what those people have.” Let me tell you, I challenged God. I put him to a test. God’s not going to give you anything that’s not of God. Don’t you worry.

And every night I continued to do that, four or five nights. And I didn’t eat either. I couldn’t sleep and I had lost my appetite and I was loosing a lot of weight. It was terrific! But you know, one night I come back to church and out of a clear blue sky, right in the middle of that man’s service I just got out of my seat, and with both hands straight up in the air I come running right straight down an aisle like this. And I fell in at that altar and I cried out, “My God, forgive me for all my sins!” I was a sinner. I mean God met me there. Praise his wonderful name. There was a pool of water on that floor. I was sorry for every thing that I had did in that convent. I stole potato peelings. I stole bread. I told lies. I called the mother superior names under my breath. And I want you to know, God met me down there and he forgave me of every sin that there was in my life. And how I thank and praise him for it! Praise his wonderful name. God has been very good to me. Very good to me.

A few nights previous to that, I went back to church. God healed me with the baptism of the Holy Ghost. May I say to you, God means more to me than all the material wealth you have in this city. I’d rather have Jesus than anything you might have, because I’ve found him to be the best friend I’ve ever known. I can tell him anything I want to tell him, and he won’t call you up and tell you what I’ve told him. I can sit at his feet and tell him every day of my life, “Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you.” And every secret of my heart, I can pour out to him. And I don’t worry about him calling you up and telling you what I told him. He’s the best friend you ever had. He’s able to save you. He’s able to deliver you. He’s able to loose you from the things of this world and set you free to know him. Praise his name. I have a wonderful God. I love him supremely. I’d rather have Jesus than anything that you might have. God is real in my life. Really wonderful, how God delivered me out of the convent. Pray for me. I need much prayer. I’ll be going places where it’s predominantly Roman Catholic. I’ll have to suffer much, but I’m willing to suffer for Jesus that I might tell someone about him and give my testimonies that other little girls might be spared from convents. So pray for me, won’t you? —TESTIMONY of a former NUN

    http://www.jesus-is-lord.com/charlot1.htm

 
]]> http://ambroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/92/feed/ 0 ambroses cult metal inquisition chair http://ambroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/90/ http://ambroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/90/#comments Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:49:49 +0000 ambroses http://ambroses.wordpress.com/?p=90 ]]>  

Afrikit… and Simalil and those who have wondered:

I have reason to clarify some matters between you two ladies that have yet to be addressed because you both are unwilling to properly communicate. And I know that you are not being very honest with me or about why our friendships were ended. You saying that your reason was my imperfect fashion of communicating…is like the pot calling the kettle black. Very ridiculous and indeed dishonest. I only recall being pretty decent to both of you. In fact, I was pretty patient with your friend considering she is so high maintenance. You and I never had any issue or any reason to be rude to one another at all. If you thought I was, it was certainly imagined. Not to mention, you should have come to me initially and not gone behind my back. I am sure you must realize in all your experience, that is what we are supposed to do? I tried to communicate with both of you initially but because you refused, is why I took it beyond the private realm. You both blocked me from private communication within the first couple days of this controversy. One of you without explanation and the other one openly admitting her unwillingness to communicate. Yet I was not a personal threat to either of you in the least degree. You simply could not accept that I stood for the KJV. Yet all the while, this matter was carried out on my site. I did not get in your personal space with the matter. I did not start the argument either. Simalil is who started it. You said you find me “quite rude. It’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it”. That would be like after watching one of your good videos, and me saying that I didn’t like it for the same reason or for the way you looked. Actually, you are quite beautiful but it could be that you wore more makeup than me or it could be that I saw a cross hanging from your neck and I never wear crosses. It could be your severe facial expressions. Pretty shallow for someone to be like that I have to deduct. It would be proper for me to pay primary attention to your message and not the frills. You adamantly claim that you and your friend have much substance of character yet you then say “It was not so much what I said but how I said it…“ All this you determined and judged through my typed words alone. Arrogantly assuming that you knew what I was about from the tone of my typed words. You obviously never considered forgiving the tone. What was that tone again? I will suggest that it was an unyielding tone of conviction because that is often the way I sound. I make no apologies for that and especially when dealing in the matters of God. You should know because you both have the identical tone. You are being hypocritical. Yes I used that word indeed. You can dish it out but cannot take it yourself. Yet there really is nothing wrong with carrying an unyielding tone over matters of conviction. I did not hold it against you and there is no way that I should have. You just did not like me having it when you discovered we did not agree on everything. Well, if you determine to hold this trait against people instead of what they actually say, that is not good at all because we all have certain ways we say things whether by intent or not. For lack of better terms on your part, you called my ’adamancy’ being ’rude’ rather than what it was. Even the word ‘stubborn’ would not compute because that word has no place when one is convicted in spiritual matters and desiring to know the undiluted truth. You are no exception. You’re a powerhouse with an extremely big attitude. No wonder you don’t have a pastor. Both of you. That could be part of the reason. I find both of you quite volatile. In temperament you are like a couple of wild she cats in heat. You did not quote my rudeness and I really wish you had instead of being so very vague. I guess that was convenient to you as my alleged rudeness I feel was an excuse for you and a cover from admitting the real reason you were offended was my use of the KJV. Same reason your friend never said to me that she was deleting my friendship for any other reason than the KJV. Quote my rudeness if it actually happened at all. I think you are confusing the fact that all three of us communicate very similar. I guess the both of you are not comfortable with someone else communicating in your own fashion. Which brings to my attention how neither of you are very good at efforting any communication. Only when things are easy did the both of you communicate. So you hit a bend in the road with the KJV and you abruptly bailed.

As though friends always agree on everything; how immature of both of you. Fact of the matter is, if you two are indeed saved, we are all sisters and there is no escaping that and the both of you did nothing to try to get along with me or work through our differences after finding out I only used the KJV. If the reason for you two jumping ship at the same time you found out I was a KJVer, was actually because I had been rude in some way, then you two were wrong in not bringing that to me and communicating it directly to me. Rather than complaining to each other. Ultimately you should have just been forgiving as I had with the both of you on more than one occasion (hasty assumptions and false accusations claimed against me that were retracted and I let go: You accusing me of false teaching and then retracting it . Simalil accusing me falsely on more than a few occasions and then apologizing as proof she recognized she had been wrong). And by the way Afrikit, we cannot pray ourselves into salvation like you indicated many times in a posting on my site to a young man. I hope you did not mean that and I will assume that you know better but that is what you were teaching to him in that posting which I still have. Nowhere in the Scripture is there any example of us praying into our salvation. God does not adhere to the prayers of the unsaved at all. That would be a work unto regeneration rather than a fruitation of regeneration. That is another matter. For now I will give you the benefit of the doubt in what you really meant but be careful not to say that to someone in the future because it is a false teaching that you possibly carried with you from some Arminianistic church you once belonged. Perhaps like your multi embrace of translations of the Word. You seem to have a real grasp of Scripture overall but I was not impressed at all when I read your words on my wall where you repeated that several times to him. I did not make a thing out of it because I thought it might just confuse him further at this stage and I did not want him to distrust the other things you are saying to him; knowing myself that we are in agreement on the most serious doctrines. I did not feel it was in his best interest to mention that to him at all. And we both need to have his best interest in mind and not drag him into our disagreements.

I would like to emphasize how neither of you two women are the easiest to get along with and its seemed I was constantly efforting the friendship and trying to keep one or both of you from coming unglued unnecessarily. I will certainly admit that I experienced this more with Simalil than with you as I had known her longer. I found you however just as presumptuous in the short time I knew you. Perhaps the both of you think that because I am in my late thirties and you both in your fifties, that I should do a lot of listening and not be able to carry on a proper two way conversation but spiritual maturity has nothing to do with age, as has been displayed with the both of you in this instance. Furthermore we have all been saved about the same length of time. I have in fact held to sound doctrine longer than either of you. I am trying to display that we are spiritual equals as best can be discerned. Somehow I felt that both of you were worth my effort but I can see that God did not agree. I actually am relieved about all this but in another sense greatly bothered by the fact that neither of you would be honest enough to admit that your reasons for division of the body was not actually for the way I said things but rather for not agreeing with you on the translations of the Bible. Yet by claiming it was just my way of communicating, you actually make yourself out to be more shallow than if it was a serious reason that involved matters of doctrine. Anything to do with God would have been better reasoning than simply not liking the way I communicate. Seriously, by dodging what your real reason was, you more directly revealed your lack of honesty and substance in this matter. I ascertain your reasons are not what you state. You both dropped me within hours of Simalil coming to my FB wall and arguing with me over my full use of the KJV. You never even explained your reason. She did on my wall fully indicate that she was dropping me because of our differences with the KJV. I still have that posting that I can quote. So I am not sure what she is telling you about that NOT being the reason. She asked me if I was KJV only. I said yes. She said NOT her. She (pursued) it and we began rapid discourse over it. I feel I had a pretty compelling argument and she seemed to be losing ground in the discussion. I took no personal approach with her whatsoever. Not once. She absolutely did launch a personal attack on me. This was all done on my site. She became upset and severely agitated and two hours later she said our friendship was over and that I quote: ““I am not getting into it with you. I have studied this matter extensively, and you really don’t want to know what I think! Keep going down this path with me…you won’t like where it leads. I have found most KJVonly people to be arrogant and presumptuous and yes, they do like to call me a devil. I am NOT having this conversation. Goodbye Ambrose!” I did no such thing with her. She was obviously experiencing some traumatic relapse from dealing with someone in the past and suddenly determined that I was her enemy. She flew right off the handle and became impossible to deal with. She refused to talk to me. After more than a month of knowing her. So do not try to tell me that she or you did not ‘divide the body’ over my use of the KJV . She was not a happy camper. I thought you might be stable enough to accept me only being a KJVer….but without a word being further said you dropped me within about a day. No argument. No explanation. No nothing. And then you were not even decent enough to reply to me when I queried. And you complain about my way of communicating?? You refused to communicate until I had to post it publicly. The fact remains, the both of you are willing to divide the body and not try to work things out at all. Either way you look at it, neither one of you want to try to get along. Fair weather friends are what both of you are. I do not call that friendship at all. That is exceedingly shallow. You posted that you and your friend are of a higher level of character than to let anything petty about the Bible come between us. Yet you say your reason was for me ‘way of communicating’ which is pretty petty if you ask me. If you were willing to divide the body over ‘my kind of communication skills’ when we are to be of a forgiving spirit even 7×70.…then tell me again how high of a Christian character you have?? Sounds to me that it is lower than I had originally thought when the both of you were dividing over my sole use of the KJV. I would sooner it be something about God that you were taking that seriously, than something trivial and mundane. Seriously Afrikit, what were you thinking when you came out with that one? Not to mention, it displays pride by saying you and her are of a higher character. No one would say that if they were humble.

Yes, by all means you can pick your favorite saints to communicate with but be completely honest about why you both dropped me when you did!!! Your friend said so right on my wall and you and I were just fine before the KJV controversy. Alas, I contend that my way of communicating was not at all the primary reason or possibly not at all your reason for dividing the body. I have displayed that the only reasonable conclusion is that you took unreasonable offense to my sole use of the KJV. People can be sincere and still be lying to themselves and I conclude that both of you are lying to yourselves about your real reason for alienating me. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, in that you probably are not consciously lying. Really, you are worse off if you are subconsciously lying because it will probably be harder for you to repent. It is ridiculous for you not to be completely forthright on this because your excuse remains absolutely transparent. If you wanted to work this out, I would make myself willing because I believe it would be the proper thing to do but I will be honest that I am relieved to be set free from the maintenance of the friendship with either of you. That is my self preservation speaking I guess. God has allowed this and the truth will find both of you out over this matter.

Matthew 18:16… “But if he will not hear you, then take with you one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.”

Romans 16:17 …”Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.”

Luke 12:2-3… “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” Luke 8:17: ” For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.”

Simalil (Juliet) replies to me and I reply to her in highlight underline:

‘I am Not an Actor’

I have not been spending as much time on the internet as I once did.  There is a reason for this.  I have had my name maligned publically and secretly and the people who have done this to me know who they are.  You need to look in the mirror because  the person you will see is who actually caused this. I refuse to become hostile and bitter towards those who are doing their best to hurt me. The truth can hurt but that is not actually my fault.

I can only say this: How do you do it?  How do you lie about me and try to hurt me when I have done nothing to you? Actually, you have done something to me; you have blacklisted me because I am only a KJVer. And no I am not lying about you. Not at all. I have proof of our notes in that it happened as I claim and I can offer them upon request. I think you need refreshing.

I can say in all honesty that I have never set out to hurt anyone, and would never do so.  This is not about setting out to hurt anyone so be careful about that accusation. This is about setting the record straight and even though I go into great detail, you still are in denial that you caused this to transpire by coming to my wall and arguing with my stance on the KJV and then getting angry at me and ending our friendship all within a few hours.  Say it like it is. There is no denying that is what happened.

There may have been people who I have taken off my list of friends and with whom I want nothing to do, but their retaliating by publically lying about me only reinforces that I did the right thing by so doing.  What are these lies again?????

I am going to keep this short and sweet.  I love the brethren and wouldn’t dream of doing anything to hurt any of you.  And if I have had to remove someone from my list of friends, it was never done without heaviness of heart… It took you about three hours to make this so called  heavy hearted decision and in the midst of your  spitting nails; not thoroughly considered but rather done in rash haste. Wow…how much forethought did you put into that decision again?  I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings.  I have great love for others and don’t get a kick of out of harming anyone.  I do not either but I will address the truth when it is called for and we all know the truth is not always comfortable. If you do not like me addressing what happened, then maybe you should have thought about that early on and not acted in paranoid haste in your dealings with me. I caused you no harm but you treated me like an enemy because I would not agree with you on the KJV. Friends are supposed to be able to disagree without ending the friendship. Especially sisters in Christ. You obviously were not really my friend because you ended it. So if you did not want me to address what happened you might have considered working through our differences or at least if you did not want to continue our friendship, I might have communicated with me  in a mature way as to why you no longer wanted to be friends. Since you refused then, try being mature about it by taking proper responsibility for your actions.  And for those of you who have believed lies that were told about me, all I can say is that my conscience is clear.  Then I will have to conclude that you repented privately over this because it sure was not publicly. I haven’t ‘conspired’ against anyone.  Sure you haven’t lady!!! Is that why you shared so many nasties in an email with me about Jordan?  Is that why you were talking to Liz about me and would not say the same things to me at all? You have conspired against other believers.  I haven’t ’spread lies’ about anyone.    And neither have I. Please enlighten the world on what my lies are?  See if you can dig up a letter or note where I have lied.  The same kind of things that I have of yours.  I know we both mutually saved each others communication from the beginning.  And yet you write about me in your blogs, using my name,  I do not recall anywhere in the Scriptures where we should not name someone when we address them over any legitimate issue at all. Where is it taught that we should conceal their name???? and charging me and finding me guilty of imagined crimes in your kangaroo courts?  Cute. I suppose you thought because you have an electronic army of friendz, I would not dare address this issue? As you can see, I am not fazed by your more frenzied friendz. I have more than one alibi; The records of our communication and God himself as my witness. That substantiates my position better than you and your army of  a hundred delusional friendz. You seem to have a lot of internet friends (which by the way does not prove that you are a nice person necessarily) and you seem to have many of them wrapped around you finger. I do not have that ability in me. For a while you did the same with me.  Friends are good to have but I find you are overtly dependent on them for strength consolation. Yet I also notice that your friends  have to be convenient for you or you ditch them. You claim to be a loyal person but after claiming to be my loyal friend, you dropped me like a hot pancake once you realized I was only a KJVer. Something around three hours later. 

It is not in my nature to make things up and I am not known for being untruthful. To the contrary, people step on my toes continually and think they will get away with it laughing and when I finally call them on it, they are in a state of shock because they never think I have the initiative to address them. I am known to be a sincere and grounded person. I hate fiction and you cannot find it in my library. I refuse to spend my time playing dishonest games.  I cannot stand game players. Dishonesty is not something I am accused of except by dishonest or misled people. Which category are you in?  

 Shame on you!    No….I am not actually.

There is nothing hidden before God.  You should know that.  Yes indeed!!! But never mind replying to me on that one. Just read the Scripture I quoted .

Sorry to have bored my readers with this when the vast majority of you are not those to whom this is addressed.  However, it has been bothering me because these people think nothing of trashing my name and accusing me of things that aren’t true.  I have not actually trashed your name but perhaps you have. If that is what has happened then take responsibility for your initial actions. Accusing you of things that are untrue? They are absolutely true and I have proof of how this whole thing unfolded. I have record of what was said between us. So think again if you want to suggest I am lying or even exaggerating. I am not hiding anything here and I do believe I am the only one. I treat this in minute detail but you only want to gloss over the details and give this whole thing some other name. I don’t really care that I have been wronged by you. I care that you would divide the body over my sole use of the KJV. In principle of character that is very wrong. All you address is how I and others have wronged you and lied about you but you fail to even explained what the lies were. You are so vague in dealing with this it displays you uneasiness in dealing with it. I have spelled it out in detail because I am not actually hiding behind anything.

Thank God He is always watching…  He has always protected me, always loved me, and always knows what is in my heart and mind.  And I can tell you, I do not hate anyone, including these people of whom I speak.  I am just saddened that professing Christians would act in such an unchristian manner.  What manner again is that Juliet? Why is it unchristian to ‘mark those that cause division among brethren’ ?? Jesus named names. You can also use my name because as far as I know, I am not shoving anything under the carpet.

I pray for them; I really do. —  Julietsm   Go ahead if you would like but I suggest you pray for yourself in light of all this. I am sleeping well  so to speak. I do not wake up in the middle of the night and see shadows coming at me. I am sound regarding this and exceedingly grounded because I know I have NOT lied. I could have just had God completely take this on without having any part in it….but that would be worse for you actually. Consider yourself less troubled by all this, that I dealt with it. When God deals solely with someone on our behalf and without a word on our part spoken, they end up pretty sore for the correction that God hands out.  In this case, your correction will probably only be that I have dealt with it as you see.  I wish you no harm; Just smarten up and stop deceiving yourself and thusly others. Take responsibility over your actions in regard to this matter. If need be, go back and read again what I have said very carefully and you might be able to see that I am saying it like it is. I am comfortable with our distance. I am not comfortable with your denial issue over the KJV. That is what set you off and I have your comments regarding that. You divided the body when you canceled our friendship.  Why? Your comments indicate why and I have all those comments.

I am being fair with you but not easy because I hope you will SNAP out of the denial you are in!!

Allow me to make it simple for you:

There are TWO issues here:

1.  KJV onliests anger you… enough to end a friendship with some.

2.  You divided the body of believers… by blacklisting me as a KJVer.

You continue to deny the first one and avoid replying to the second one, even though they both can be proven by your own comments to me : “Are you a KJV onliest?”  “I am not getting into it with you.  I have studied this matter extensively, and you really don’t want to know what I think!!  Keep going down this path with me…You won’t like where it leads. I have found most KJV Only people to be arrogant and presumptuous and yes, they do like to call me ‘devil’.  I am NOT having this conversation.”   ”It’s always the same with those who believe this way, Gus (she is talking to her boyfriend on my site).  Don’t waste your time.  I seriously doubt that she will ever look at it objectively, like all Christians who think they are right and everyone else is wrong. Frankly, I am finished with this.  We could share everything we have learned and it will always be the same.  You know how inflexible these types are.  Goodbye Ambrose.”     “I am sorry Ambrose, but it is only going to go downhill from here.  Good bye.”
 

Let it be known that I  never ever called or insinuated she was a devil but she says others have and she drags that into the discourse.  I  never turned personal on her and she will not be able to find a comment made by me in her files where I did turn this into a personal attack against her.  I never called her any names, I never called her  arrogant or presumptuous though she herself very much is, I never indicated that she was being unreasonable at any point. I did tell her at the end that if anyone divided the body as she was talking about, it would not be me and that it would be her and around five minutes later she officially took me from her listing. She completely  attacked my character when I could not in good conscience agree with her. There you have it.  She makes no mention of any dilemma between us except my full use of the KJV and how she refuses to accept that. I am only expected to take her at her own word and not  read between all the lines.  Taking her at her word, this is what it comes to.  If she did not tell me the truth, that is her problem not mine.  It does not fall on my shoulders. I am not a liar.

- Ambroses

 I have not posted comments on this matter as I feel that anyone who would actually comment would be either bias or unaware of the facts since they were not actually involved. I will in fact not be posting any comments even if they are in support of my claim. I will of course keep all comments filed away for the sake of interest and sometimes humour. This is supposed to be about what actually happened and not about opinions. These two women and I were actually there and no one else in fact was. Especially Juliet and I. I see that Juliet has called out and rounded up some of her internet friendz to try to discredit me and beautify herself but that does not concern me at all. Generally speaking, when a person cannot fight their own social battles, they do not have a very good argument to begin with. If they are able to walk, talk, and are capable of basic functioning, they should be able to handle a situation independently and not go crying to their friends for bias opinion and unrelated information. Outside of this situation, there are no others who I ever actually knew, who are going to come on her site or mine and say that I was anything less than decent and honest to deal with over anything. I have no sordid history dealing with folks. Neither do I have a history of mental illness, paranoia, or crimes against my fellow mankind. Neither do I suffer days without sleep like Juliet which cannot be good for the mental health of anyone.  A  few of her friendz have tried to portray me as unstable yet I have never met these individuals and they do not know me in the least. They are not proper authorities regarding my character. They are not expert witnesses at all. They are just her guard pets. I do not see any comments on her site that are anything but her close friends playing music to her ears and their own because they are living in a bubble regarding her. Friends are nice but I do not need friends to support me or serve as a crutch or to help convince me over any matter. I have God when it comes to all matters. He is my counsel, my stay, and my witness. Thank God.

Ambrose

 Some of you probably realize that I have experienced a less than desirable connection with Silmalila (Juliet) and Afrikitty (Liz) in the last few months. For the sordid yet accurate details, you can read my first post called: SisterAct. Naturally, my account of what transpired never sat well with either woman or their most loyal friends. They are all very mad at me and not only have railed that I betrayed them for giving the account of what happened but furthermore, have claimed even with my evidence, that I not only possess a vivid imagination but have completely lied about them. Of course I have shared my account in the hope one or both might come to her senses but that certainly has not happened. I am not exaggerating at all. These two women might actually be saved but as it turned out, they are quite like a couple of parallel freight trains that seems to keep derailing. All within the last few short months. at least all we are aware. I cringe to think of the trail of trouble they have left behind them. Now it gets even worse. The other week I saw a comment on YT that caused my curiosity and enquiry. Apparently, Silmalila was greatly bothering a good friend of mine that was once a friend of hers. They are no longer friends. Silmalila and Afrikitty also came into a serious dispute with this lady and they both promptly blocked her as they had done with me, disabling any ability to properly communicate with them and possibly attempt to resolve the matter. My friend did not take them to task as I eventually did in my case. Rather, she held back for the sake of her daughter and allowed them to falsely smear her name all over the web. Now get this; the lady they caused grief with, is a very well respected and considerably gentle saint who is strong in her faith and is circumspectful and respectful in her every action. She is always attempting to do what is right and the best I can tell remains faultless. She is not in the least an arrogant person or one that will cause or manufacture strife with anyone. I have never come to know a woman who appears more Godly than this woman. This friend of mine is an unusually remarkable saint who anyone would be honored to know. She is a graceful woman. She is my friend and I love her and that is especially why I investigated what was happening to her. Though her and I had a growing friendship while all this was going on, she never breathed a word to me and I never did to her either about my situation with them. So all the while my situation was going on, so was her situation with them. So I asked her to tell me what they were doing, as I also was having problems with them. I almost fell over when she wrote me back and explained everything for the very first time. This is her exact account to me with all the victims names changed for some level of privacy because there are a few. It is my idea to post and she knows I am posting this. I politely asked her to step aside so I can try to help clear her name and restore some peace to this mother and daughter. Brace yourself and if you don’t have a while to read this, than I will suggest you come back when you can afford the time because these two women are out of control and I really feel sorry for these victims involved; I feel way worse for them than I ever did for myself as my situation was not very emotional or as damaging. They are considerably out of line and way overdue for repentance: 

 Dear Ambrose,

    This is going to be a novel and you may be sorry you asked…but here is the truth and I pray you will believe me.

    Yes, Juliet is giving me a rough way to go. You know, I thought about writing you about it but was worried you might think I was a gossip so I said nothing. Please don’t think her attack is because of you although your name was mentioned. I quickly put an end to that. Now here is the whole story. I have a daughter named Eve and she is 19 years old and very beautiful…I think so anyway. A few months ago Eve asked me if I had any friends on YT about her age that she could be friends with. I told her a few and one of them was a young man named Jackson. He and Eve became friends and Jackson thought she was very beautiful. Eve thanked him for the comment and they chatted every once in awhile on social networking. A few days later (after he had told Eve she was pretty) Juliet sends me this message about how angry she is with Jackson because he thanked Zeke for helping him learn about the Reformed faith. She was livid! She says SHE taught both him and his father James about Calvinism and she converted him and she didn’t like it that Jackson thanked Zeke for what she had done. There was no reasoning with her about it. She went to a lot of our channels griping because Jackson did not thank her!! She wanted the praise for it. Finally I got tired of it and just flat out told her that Zeke DID help Jackson understand it better (Jack had told Eve this) and that he did not mean to upset Juliet, he was making the video for Zeke’s Calvinism channel and just naturally thanked Zeke for helping him. I told her to stop it, it doesn’t matter who taught it to him, what mattered was that he accepted it and I told her to stop trying to take the credit for it because the credit, praise and glory all belongs to God. She settled down after that and apologized to me. But I’d still come across her comments on others channels about it. I just let it drop. Somehow both Liz and Juliet found out that Jackson had told Eve she was pretty and they started to talk about how pretty Jack thought THEY were.  The next thing I know, Juliet is desperately trying to get me to block Jackson and to tell Eve to block him also. Juliet said he was a pervert and had come on to her and Liz once. Seeing as these two women were my friends I believed them. I did remove Jack from my friend’s list but I refused to block him. Eve refused to do either. I got to feeling bad about it and sent him another friend invite which he accepted. That didn’t go over too well with Liz and Juliet. Juliet especially kept telling me how pretty Jackson thought SHE was. One of them, I can’t remember which, it may have been Liz but I am not sure, but one of them told me that Jack had even mentioned marrying one of them!!? What? I mean, he’s 20 years old and they are over 50! I said to them that it was only a friendship that she was maintaining with him. He was cool with that. But Juliet and Liz…my goodness!! They kept after me and kept after me to make Eve block him. I said no, Eve is 19 years old and I am not going to pick her friends for her, she does a good job with that on her own and if she wants to be friends with Jackson then that was up to her. They still continued to tell me to block him, which I refused to do. There had been nothing perverse or out of hand with him. And that was that and they should just drop it. Then I lost my internet. I knew it was going to happen because my husband was laid off from his job and we had to let some things go….satellite, phone and internet. (We have a cell phone) but that we wouldn’t be offline very long. We were offline for about two months. We were finally able to get the internet back. And we came back on YT and no one would talk to us. It was strange. I did ask Sanford about it and asked him if Juliet had said anything to him about us and he said no. So I thought I was being too sensitive and let it go. Still, hardly anyone of my friends would have anything to do with me. I know how Juliet is because I’ve seen her rip friends apart before for NOT AGREEING with her and she’d often get upset if I didn’t write her (every single) day. She was annoying to say the least but I did try to be her friend and when we got back online I rarely heard anything from her, which was odd. Then about a month ago Eve and Jack were on Facebook at the same time and she was making a video for Sanford and she asked Jack if she could tag him to make the one after hers. I had tagged Eve when I made mine. Jack said he would and then he asked her how she felt about people SAYING that they were being perverted together on Facebook and YouTube. Umm…that did not go over too well! I knew EXACTLY who started that sordid rumor even before Eve finished telling me about it. I realized it was Juliet and Liz. Jackson had told Eve that Liz said that Juliet had been saying that he and Eden were being suggestive sexually online with each other. Yet Eve is waiting for marriage and does not date very often because guys usually only want one thing and she won’t give it to them. So this was a real slap in the face to her!! Jackson said Liz had told him that Juliet was telling her all this stuff about the two of them and that she wanted to know if it were true. As if it would be her business. He said no BUT….he had indeed read messages I’d sent to Juliet and he did tell Eve what I’d said to Juliet…And of course she embellished it and added more to it than what I had said. Jackson told Eve what Liz and Juliet had been telling him. And then Eve told me. And I got mad! I mean I got so mad…and I lit into her and I was not nice about it. Here is my daughter, who is a Christian and waiting for marriage, who nearly died last year from an asthma attack and now has heart problems and she’s always sick and then this stuff gets said about her that isn’t true and Juliet KNEW about all the health problems Eve was having and she was telling Liz and who knows who else that she was acting like some pervert on the internet!!! Yeah…it didn’t go over very well with me. I probably should have waited until I’d cooled down more but I acted immediately. She was supposed to be my friend and here she was, while I was offline, bad mouthing my daughter who was not even able to get online and defend herself!

Juliet finally wrote me and swore she didn’t do anything. I had cooled down some by then and told her I was sorry for being harsh and for saying things I maybe should not have, but I was getting to the bottom of it and if I found out she was behind it that was it. So she was all whiny and saying how HURT SHE IS and that she hopes I find out the truth. And I did. Boy, did I ever find out. I wrote to Liz and asked her if Juliet had said anything about me or Eve to her. Liz didn’t know that I already knew she had by what Jack had said she’d said to him. She got really nasty…sounding so put off by it and the next thing we knew, Liz removed both me and Eve from her friend list on Facebook and even blocked us. Just like that and I didn’t even accuse her of anything as yet. I just asked what Juliet had said to her. So then I knew Liz was in on it up to her eyebrows. I asked another person and they said Juliet had called and read the letter and they told me that I was also too harsh on her. I said I know I was but I was mad and with reason. Then Juliet goes after Eve. She sent a private message to her on Facebook and wanted to know who told us this stuff about her and Jackson. I hadn’t yet told Juliet it was Jack who told us so she didn’t have a clue who it was that had told us yet. Eve wasn’t telling her so she and Liz BOTH accused YOU of doing this. Juliet had publicly commented about all this on my Facebook wall but didn’t dare mention you to me. She mentioned you to Eve and that made me angry so I publicly posted on my wall to her that no, ‘Ambrose has not said a word to me about you so leave her alone, she is innocent in all of this.’ Liz had already blocked me and I couldn’t tell this to her. Juliet got so upset that I had posted that about you on my Facebook wall and asked me to REMOVE it, which I did, but I knew that her next step was going to be blaming you publicly for the whole mess and I put a stop to that plan by publicly stating that you had NOTHING to do with it. Her plan backfired. I wasn’t going to let her blame it on you because you were completely innocent in the whole thing, in fact, you didn’t even know and I was not going to let you become their scapegoat. I struggled with telling you and almost did a couple of times, but I was so afraid and worried you would think I was a gossip so I didn’t say anything. I’d removed that comment about you AFTER I had cleared your name and nothing else was said about you to me but Juliet and Liz are probably still telling everyone else it was you. I did tell Juliet it was Jackson who told us and I told her he knew things he shouldn’t have known that I’d said to only her, it wasn’t bad, but I had asked her to not say anything and I wanted to know how he knew what I’d said if she hadn’t told him. She REFUSED to answer that. I think she told Liz and Liz told Jack.

I apologized to her for my harsh letter but that I had every intention of getting to the truth and that I better not find out it was her. She got angry then and told me off and then she got nice and said she would need time to get over what I’d done to her! She acted like a martyr and that I couldn’t take back words that I’d already said and I told her I meant what I said but shouldn’t have been so harsh. She then got all high and mighty and said she wasn’t sure I was a Christian and that we were no longer friends and then she blocked me. And so did Liz. BUT…Juliet tried to turn Eve against me. My own daughter! That didn’t go over very well with Eve. Juliet was sending Eve these flower apps on Facebook and gifts on her YoVille game and posted on Eve’s comment page on YoVille about all this and that she would never hurt her…blah, blah, blah…and that she didn’t want Eve to unfriend her because she loved Eve and prayed for her…more blah, blah, blah. Eve became angry because YoVille is more public than a Facebook wall. ANYONE on YoVille can read that comment. Eve wrote Juliet a letter of her own and gave her a chance to defend herself and laid out the accusation and told her that she didn’t appreciate her saying what she’d said about me on whether I was a Christian or not AND that she didn’t want any more public comments made about it, to just keep it between us and let us work it out and Juliet ignored her and Eve wrote her the most PERFECT letter ever about what she’d done and what she’d caused and how unbiblical her behavior had been…you can see that letter also if you want. Instead of Juliet replying, she just blocked Eve too, and to me that was admitting guilt. She knew we’d find out that it WAS her because…well…it WAS her! So she blocked us and trashed me all over YouTube…she left comments to everyone and Eve had asked her to stop doing that and if Juliet really loved her she’d stop talking about her mother the way she was doing all over YT. She’s still doing that, by the way and saying I started a hate campaign against her. I did NOT start a hate campaign against her. I didn’t say anything to anybody about this but that one individual. She has gone to a lot of our mutual friends bashing me so much that I had to remove the friend module and subscriber modules and my own subscription module to keep her from harassing my friends and turning them against me. Sanford knew about it. And that was all I told…Sanford and Gus who she read the message to and the only person Eve talked to about it was Jackson and Sanford. I did apologize to Jack for removing him from my friend’s list that one time and he graciously forgave me; he had always treated me with respect and love and so I owed him an apology and I gave him one.

Juliet was constantly writing Eve about Jackson and about how perverted he was before we lost our internet several months ago. She could not stand Eve being his friend. And Juliet has a disturbing obsession with Jackson’s dad James and said that there were even rumors that Juliet and James were having an affair…only that wasn’t true. No one had ever said any such thing about her and James. I think Juliet is a sick person and Liz is a gossip and trouble maker. They are both too pushy with their opinions and I had taken Juliet to task for the way she treated another friend who had told James he had lost his authority as a preacher because he was having an affair. Juliet ripped that poor woman to shreds! I told her that wasn’t right and that I felt the same way about James as this woman did. He should NOT be allowed to be a pastor anymore because of his affair. He wasn’t divorced yet and was living with this woman and threw his kids out so he could live with her. Juliet backed James to the hilt! I mean, it was disgusting.

So, that is the whole disgusting story. Juliet is still causing me problems over all this and making her snarky little comments whenever Eve or I post about any friend’s video. She is also overtly gushing! All sweetness and charm and I am getting so tired of it.

And one more thing…I just remembered there is another lie I caught Juliet in. You know the picture she uses as her avatar? Not the background picture on her channel, the little picture that she uses of the woman who is very pale, with dark hair and deep blue eyes. She has it on her Facebook also. She was being told how beautiful she was in that picture and she said that was taken in her younger days. Well…this is hilarious…my husband and I went to Walmart the other night and when we were going to the register I noticed a display of movies Walmart had on sale for $4.00. I don’t see so good far away and I saw this one movie and thought…wait…what is this…and I went up closer and it was the movie “Memoirs of a Geisha.” I about fell over…I am dead serious. I told my husband to look at it the picture on the DVD cover. It was that very picture Juliet uses as her avatar that she said was HER in her younger days. It is certainly not! It is the actress in that movie. Google it. Seriously. You won’t believe it until you actually see it. And isn’t it funny that she picked a movie about a Geisha? A Japanese prostitute? Wow! My husband didn’t know what to say because I had shown him her pictures because she is ALWAYS bragging about how beautiful she is. He looked at it then and said that it did not look like the same woman in the newer pics and that she was not beautiful now. He was right. That is not Juliet in the younger picture, but it is Juliet in the newer ones. What is this woman’s problem? She is so focused on herself, always wanting praise and compliments, always rough on those who won’t agree with her and too gushing and obsessive with those who do. An extreme case of personal insecurity.

So, that is the whole story. Ridiculous. Only thing is, people are buying what she’s saying…one friend just ripped Eve apart the other day over it and we haven’t said anything to anybody else except Sanford, the one guy who she’d read my letter to and of course, now you. I was hoping that my silence on the whole fiasco would be a testimonial that I was innocent in whatever gossip she’s dishing out. She has told near EVERYONE about it, made public comments on YT and maybe even on Facebook about me and I haven’t said anything to anyone because I didn’t want to be labeled a gossip and because God doesn’t want us to do these things. I took the proper and biblical steps in this whole ordeal and she did not and yet she is believed and I am not believed. Go figure. Says a lot about some of these Christians on the internet.

I feel like I am being shunned and I did nothing. I wasn’t even online for two months when she did this and they STILL believe her! I have NEVER gossiped to anyone about anything or anyone and still SHE is believed. I don’t get it. I did what God tells us to do and I am still considered guilty. I don’t understand. I never will. I have left it all to God because He KNOWS the truth and He will deal with it and that is fine with me. I am not saying anything to anyone else about it. I am not a gossip OR a whiner and I don’t go about the internet bashing Juliet and Liz for what they did.

 I will show you my letter that I wrote to her where I was considered harsh and I did apologize for but then Juliet made conditions on her forgiveness for me. She made conditions and if I didn’t abide by them then she wouldn’t be my friend. I think it’s called emotional blackmail. I refused to do that. I apologized for how I said it but not for what I said. I was too angry and should have cooled off before I wrote it. But I actually meant every word. She has probably shown it to everyone else and they haven’t asked me for my side of the story and I am not saying unless they ask. I will not play her game and I will not become like her. I can keep a confidence unlike some.

I am sorry if you have figured it was your fault that she came after me. It was not. And I made that quite clear and if I have to, if she is still saying it is you I will PUBLICLY post on my Facebook AND here on YT that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with any of this and it is NOT your fault. I will if you need me. Just let me know. You WILL NOT become their scapegoat and BOTH of them are guilty as sin in this whole mess. Their actions prove it. I just don’t understand why nobody sees this.

  I don’t have a problem with you being KJV only, as we previously talked about. I certainly do not have a problem with that. It is your preference and that is fine. I can’t believe they treated you that way over it and unfriended you because of it! I also use a KJV a lot. I use a NASB and ESV as well. I do NOT care for the NIV or another modern version except for the NASB or ESV. The NIV is just wrong and I cannot read it anymore. I don’t like it, it leaves out verses and rewrites others and I don’t like it. But your being KJV only is NOT a problem. I can’t believe that they tried to make it one. I think we are better off without those women in our lives. They are too high maintenance – especially Juliet – and Liz is too bossy. She was always trying to tell me who my friends could be. And a lot of my friends don’t like Sanford. I like Sanford. He has stuck with me throughout this whole mess. Juliet posted on his channel the other night and he posted on hers. He didn’t realize it was Juliet. He posted again for her to leave me alone when I told him Silmalila was also Juliet. And of course, Gus replied back to him about Juliet. Gus is a convert of Juliet’s. Gus was still married when he and Juliet started becoming more than friends online. I never approved of that…it made me wonder about her salvation and what she has been up to. I am not interested in ruining her life or hurting her. I just want to be left alone. I could retaliate against her and I have my proof to back it up but I won’t because God can fight my battles better than I can. He tells us not to seek vengeance, He will take care of it and I believe him.

I am sorry this is so long. But you deserve to know the whole story and if you have any questions let me know. I appreciate you asking me about this. Everyone else has just assumed. You have not. And that means so much to me that you would not even believe it!! Thank you for being a true friend and sister in Christ. Thanks and God bless!

In Christ,
Karina

My Dearest Sister Ambrose,

Thank you for believing me and for sharing your experience with these women with me as well. I never dreamt that something like this would happen when I befriended these two women. I have been there for them, prayed for them when they were sick, never knowing they were going to stick a knife in my back in the end because that is what they did. I do not fault you for making what happened between you and them public. You had every right to do that. They left you no other way to communicate with them and as you said, when you did this, you were in effect taking two or more as a witness. I did the same, but I did it privately because I didn’t want my daughter to be hurt as she surely would have been by these two scheming women. She would have been maligned all over YouTube and Facebook. If it had been only me, then I probably would have done what you did. I also did not want Jackson battered any more by them. She has publicly stated on her channel that she couldn’t believe I took Jackson’s word over hers because I once said I didn’t trust Jack. I didn’t trust him at first because of what these two said about him and when she proved to be a false friend I did believe Jack because he knew what I said to Juliet in my messages to her. And it wasn’t gossip what I told Juliet about him. When she said he was coming on to her and had even expressed a desire to marry her. Yeah, right. Looking back I see just how ridiculous this is! I was worried about Eve but I had said nothing really bad about Jack, just that he said Eve was pretty, but nothing improper, and they were just friends. This absolutely set Juliet off like a firecracker! That’s when those two began their campaign to get me and Eve to block Jackson, that he was a pervert and so on.

You did indeed stay in Scriptural guidelines. You did exactly what you had to do under the circumstances. And I don’t blame you one bit for doing it. As I said, had my argument with them involved only me, I would have done the same. But Eve and Jackson were involved and I chose the route I chose. I had hoped others would take my silence as a testimony of my faithfulness to God by not causing division in the body or giving others a reason to gossip. She told EVERYONE! And she is STILL telling every one!!

I feel that on YT we are part of a church because we get together with other Christians and fellowship and support each other there. I did follow the biblical guideline when they did wrong to me. I confronted them. How did Liz know what I’d said, in my messages to Juliet about Jackson? She knew because Juliet told her about them. I just sat here and cried one night over the whole thing. It did hurt badly and broke my heart but I am over it now and I don’t miss her at all. It was a relief to me as well when my and her friendship ended. I didn’t have to put up with her constant demanding anymore. And I am so loving that. She would badger me to write her CONSTANTLY. She would post comments on my channel asking if I was angry with her about anything because she didn’t get a letter from me that day. GOOD GRIEF! I didn’t have time to write her everyday. And why should I be expected to? Kinda funny how she would ask if she had made us mad when it was obvious she hadn’t and then when we tell her she has actually mad us mad, she refuses to be responsible in the least. She is also very demanding. And loves to play the victim. She ALWAYS plays the victim. She’d get angry over the slightest comment and gets nasty, just like you said she did. I began to think not all was right in her attic so to speak. She and Liz would beg me also to get Skype or into some chatroom. I didn’t want to do that so I did not. She’d tell me what Liz had told her about Jack and I thought that was wrong. It’s maligning a brother and it’s gossip. Whatever happened to not bearing false witness? I don’t think they know that commandment. I wanted no part of that and I did not do as they asked and get a chatroom or Skype. I think we’re better off without those two in our lives. They are too high maintenance – especially Juliet – and Liz is too pushy. She was always trying to tell me who my friends could be. I will show you my letter that I wrote to her. I did apologize for it but then Juliet made conditions on her forgiveness for me. She made conditions and if I didn’t abide by them then she would not be my friend. I think it’s called emotional blackmail. I refused to do that. I apologized for how I said it but not for what I said. Thank God I didn’t do that! And you’re right, Juliet can drain your energy every time you talk to her and it gets tiring. I told her in that infamous letter I wrote that she was too intense all the time. I also questioned her salvation because she is always doing this to someone. She never has any peace. There has to always be something going on. I still question it. She is always very hateful with those whose comments on videos she doesn’t agree with. She is always in the right. Wrong. It’s a way of her getting constant attention. It always comes back to her. Always. And she is always singing her praises to herself. Always talking about her beautiful clothes ad how pretty she is, etc. Juliet is all about Juliet. I did think she was saved at first too. She knows her theology very well. And perhaps she is saved, I don’t know. I think she is not altogether there. Or maybe she is and just likes to come across as nuts. And how many careers has this woman had? Figure skater, worked in death penalty cases, a private investigator, a model and I can’t remember what else. I personally do not think so. And then two accidents and her hand was detached so she had to have surgery to reattach it? I wonder if that is true. Manic depression and days without sleep. She acts quite crazy. All I know is I am glad to be rid of her and I know that sounds harsh, but she is just impossible to please. No matter what you do, she will question it. She has a PARANOID personality.

Gus did contact me the day after I first wrote Juliet. Her computer was down again. I told him to tell her I am going to apologize for my harsh letter, even though what I said was true, I was too harsh. He was fine with that. So when I apologized to her she writes back with her poor victim attitude and how she’ll need time and went on to lecture me about how words once said can’t be taken back. That made me mad all over again! What about the words she said to Liz and Jack and everybody else about me and my daughter? Those words can’t be taken back either! Ugh! I was not going to use her approach anymore on the comments of people’s videos and I told her so. I told her she’d been very harsh with a lady who did not agree with James’ adultery and his unwillingness to be accountable to anyone about it. She was vicious!! It stunned me. I took her to task for it and she got mad at me, questioned my salvation, said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and unfriended me and blocked me and I didn’t get the chance to defend myself. Liz blocked me too for reasons known only to her because I had only talked to her once about this. This is admissions of guilt on their parts. I truly believe that. And I think it’s the same on their part concerning you. They were guilty and instead of admitting it they shut you off by blocking you too. Just because we can’t contact them doesn’t make them blameless. They are still at fault, they sinned against us, whether they admit it or not. A few days later Gus unfriended me too as he did you.

You and I did actually try to deal with them privately, and then with witnesses and now it is time to go before the internet Church. I am of a clear conscience. Juliet posted some nasty comments about me on her YT channel. Then she posted a very nasty one about you also. I had forgot about that. I just now remembered. She roasted us both…and Eve and Jackson. She took the comments down later on, but wow…I don’t know how many saw it, but we are terrible people according to her. Whatever….actions speak louder than words. That’s what I’ve been depending on. Her frantic commenting and gossiping was showing what kind of person she is and my silence on the issue, I had hoped was a testimony of my innocence. I guess with some that is not good enough. The squeaky wheel gets the attention and she is squeaky.

-Karina

Eve to Juliet on December 7, 2009 at 9:51pm

Hello Juliet,

This whole situation has caused nothing but pain. I think it’s rather ridiculous that this whole thing even happened. As for your message to me on Yoville…sorry about your cookies. But as far as ‘unfriending’ you goes, what would you have me to do? I know that my mom had no twisted motives. As for Jackson, he did not either. Logically, think of it this way: What in the world would Jackson gain by lying about this? I can’t imagine him getting nothing but pain out of this by any stretch of the imagination. Remember, he was accused of something I’m pretty sure no Christian wants to be accused of. It makes no sense for him to even think of lying about such a thing. Also, nothing he has told me has proven false. I’m not accusing you here, but asking: what did you mean that you didn’t read mom’s letter (Karina’s letter) to anyone but Gus and someone else mom doesn’t know when we know for a fact you read it to a friend of mine and mom’s? I just want to know if you did not realize we knew him, or if there is a different meaning behind what you meant there.

I do have to wonder why it is that you were so angry with my mom (Karina)…I read her message to you, and yours to her. She apologized to you, and she only pointed out things to you about yourself that she saw in her own self….she wasn’t justifying herself. She, if anything, was condemning herself and apologizing and telling you how she’d do better in her own dealings with people.

If I am mad at you for anything, I would have to say that it’s over the fact that you questioned my mother’s Salvation, told her not to pray for you and ‘de-friended’ her and then wrote me such a sweet message. She was only trying to sort this all out, and even apologized for being harsh with you to begin with. The only thing I can assume by your not removing me as your friend as well is that you were only angry with my mother, but not with me. However, I cannot pretend you didn’t say hurtful things to mom. I also have to wonder what there is to be gained by posting YouTube comments about my mom and Jackson all over your page? They aren’t going around YouTube talking about you. I have never done nothing to hurt you, and I have to ask that if you really do care about me that you will stop posting such things about my mother and my friend because that hurts me, really badly. I am hurt just as you are by this entire situation. Thank you for your prayers; you have mine as well. However, I do not understand what in the world happened for all of this to have blown up. I’m being as unbiased as possible here, and I still cannot see any fault in my mother. She has been very open with me through all of this. She honestly was sorry for being a bit harsh, but she did mean what she said. I love my mom and know what you accused her of is not her ways and I do not appreciate the accusations made against her, and I see your public YouTube comments about mom, Jackson, and Ambrose as gossip and I am asking you to please stop. It’s not worth it, Juliet. I’m sorry you are hurt, but please remember you are not the only one who is. My mom is not to blame, I know I did nothing, and I see no fault in Jackson here either.

As I’ve said before, you know your own heart, as we all know our own. (Keep in mind that trusting in your own heart is not wise as “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” as we are told in Jeremiah 17:9) Obviously, there is guilt here…and the Lord knows who the guilty party is. Our own consciences will let us know whether we are to blame, and I can honestly say mine is clear. Either way, whoever is at fault will not get away with it because if we are Christians then God chastises those who He loves and if you are not then you will pay the due penalty for your sins. Vengeance is God’s; not ours to take. God will deliver us from our enemies….this is my peace in this situation.

~Eve

Eve to Juliet on December 8, 2009 at 5:20pm

Juliet,

I think I deserve a reply message back from you. I know you have been online…I’m not asking for much here.

I gave you a chance. I didn’t answer you while I was still very angry with you over the words you said to my mother. I have been patient with you, and at the very least I think you owe me an answer to what I asked of you.

I will ask you again:

What in the world would Jackson have gained by lying about this? As far as I can see, absolutely NOTHING.

What did you mean that you didn’t read mom’s letter to anyone but Gus and someone else mom doesn’t know when we know for a fact you read it to a friend of mine and mom’s?

I also asked you, as a friend, to please stop spreading accusations on YouTube against my mom and my friend Jackson. (and Ambrose, although she is a complete stranger to me as I write this). It is evident that you have not done as I requested. It doesn’t take much effort to see the public comments you have posted all over YouTube, some of them being to people I know you know we (as in either myself, mom or Jackson) considered as friends, as well as to complete strangers to us. It’s all over YouTube, Juliet. Why have you done this? It raises in me a doubt in you. I’m not able to trust you because I’m a very paranoid person, and you have given me reason to believe you have said much worse things in private. If you will spread stuff publicly, doubtless you will say worse in private. This is called gossip, Juliet. No one has started a ‘hate campaign’ against you. If anything, you are the instigator of such a campaign. Mom, Jackson and myself have all been careful not to slander you. We haven’t ran to our every friend and publicly accused you. No, mom came to you, privately and it was you, Juliet, who made this public. I know you said you were hurt, but Juliet, so am I. So am I. You are not the only victim here. IF it is true that you did nothing to hurt me originally, if you are completely innocent of being the source of what mom asked you about, then I am wondering why is it that you got so defensive? The fact that you feel the need to justify yourself by going to everyone on Youtube implies guilt. If what you are saying about this so-called ‘hate campaign’ is true, then Juliet, it would be one of us who would be slandering you all over youtube. But this is not the case. We have kept this quiet. We are attempting to keep this between us. If I may be so bold as to point this out: Juliet, you are not cooperating in keeping this a private matter. I understand being upset and wanting to get comforted by friends. That’s something all of us want. However, Juliet, I’d appreciate it if you’d consider the fact that you are not the victim here.

Tell me please, what is your motive behind these comments? It most certainly is not done out of the best interests of ‘your friends’. If you were really my friend you would love me, not with your kind words and Facebook roses, but by your actions.

If you believe that I, my mother, or my friend Jackson has sinned against you, then you are biblically obligated to confront us. This is exactly what mom was doing when she wrote you originally. The bible says:

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.-Matt. 18:15-17

You have not done this Juliet. You responded to mom out of anger instead of working to the bottom if it with her. To my knowledge, you did not contact Jackson privately either. If you honestly believe mom or Jackson to be guilty, you owe to them to rebuke them because open rebuke is better than secret love. You did not do this. You did not correct the situation. The fact is, you cannot rebuke either of them because neither of them is at fault here. The Bible says when someone wrongs you, take 2 or 3 witnesses. Juliet, you did not do this. You went to more than 2 or 3 people, and you didn’t go to them in order to win back mom or Jackson; you only went and brought other people into this in order to condemn them and justify yourself.

Mom however, tried this with you. She gave you a chance to explain and a chance to work this out. Obviously, it did not work. Jackson and I are mom’s witnesses to this. You don’t want us to believe Jackson, then Juliet, the burden of proof is on you to show us his ‘lies’. I believe Jackson. BUT I never said you lied. However, now I can’t help but believe you to be guilty. It is YOU who have proven his word to be true by your own actions! You yourself proved guilt in the way you handled this situation. I understand not wanting to admit to sin and backpedaling to cover it up, because I myself have done so before, and I recognize this in you by your actions. Your comments all over youtube are nothing more than justifications for yourself in order to make us look guilty and shift what should be your blame onto us.

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.-1 Thessalonians 5:14-15

When your brother falls, we are not to pridefully scoff at them, we are to help the weaker brethren. Juliet, when someone within the body of Christ has a disagreement with you, you do not do this. You just label them as not being a Christian (like you did my mom and other people). We are one body in Christ. We are to help each other, even when the other is in sin by patient rebuking.

“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”- Galatians 6:1

We are not supposed to ‘unfriend’ people when they sin–not until they are reasoned with biblically and given the chance to repent. We are supposed to bear their burdens and work at restoring them. We are not suppose to run to everyone we know and further condemn the person.

You can’t tell other people not to befriend someone because he ___ or her because she ___. No, you must go to that person and ask them to repent.

Mom and Jackson have done nothing wrong in this situation. But if you really believe them to be in sin, it is your duty to show them so they may be restored. You reacted only in anger and went around spreading gossip, which points that not one of us, but you are guilty.

In Hebrew, the word for gossip literally means “one who reveals secrets, one who goes about as a talebearer or scandal-monger.” Juliet, you were asked to keep the information given to you private. Telling all of YouTube only starts a fire, and if you play with fire you will get burnt.

Your intent is obviously to make mom, Jackson, Ambrose (and possibly me) look bad while puffing up your own ‘innocence’. This is wrong Juliet. Gossiping is condemned in Romans 1:29.

“He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not associate with a gossip.”-Proverbs 20:19

“A fool’s mouth is his ruin,
And his lips are the snare of his soul.
The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,
And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.”-Proverbs 18:7-8

“A perverse man spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates intimate friends”-Proverbs 16:28

When a misunderstanding started by gossip happens, it ruins friendships. Look at this entire situation, Juliet. SOMEONE started gossip, who I cannot prove. But SOMEONE did. And now look at the friendships destroyed. Do you not think you making the matter public without trying to rectify it will make it worse? It’s adding fuel to the fire!

“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.”-Proverbs 11:13

You revealed secrets, Juliet. You spread this matter all over Youtube. You falsely accused mom and Jackson. This is a sin, Juliet. This is why I cannot trust you, because you did not ‘conceal’ this matter.

Gossip is diabolic, and against what the word of God stands for. It causes division within the church that should not be there and divides even the best of friends. It causes others to doubt their brethren and when you gossip about someone it discredits their ministries in the eyes of others. This is a horrible sin against God’s people.

What you are doing is gossip. You have no proof of the accusations you are making. The ‘hate campaign’ against you is non-existent. Unless what you are saying is 100% true, it’s gossip. If you’re saying something to make yourself look or feel better but it hurts someone else, it’s gossip.

I am not saying you aren’t saved, Juliet. I have been guilty of gossip before, I know. All it does is hurt those involved and eventually the one who has gossiped. I am laying this all out before you to ask that you please stop before more damage is done, and because I care about you and want to see you turn from this.

You say your heart is clean, but Juliet, as I’ve said before, it is deceitful above all things. God does not let a Christian live in sin without that Christian facing His correction any more than he lets unredeemed sinners escape the flames of hell. Sin is costly, and horrible and we are all guilty of it. and we will all pay the price, just thankfully God does not makes His saints pay with their souls and is faithful and just to forgive us!

I repent now that I enabled gossip against Jackson by saying nothing. I should have went to him and asked him of this matter beforehand instead of harboring doubts about him. I should have went to him the way he came to me. I am sorry. I am sorry for any wrongs I have done. Sincerely. I am no better than you are in any way. I’m a sinner too. But friends don’t leave friends in unrepentant sin. I will privately apologize to him after I send this.

If the line has been drawn in the sand, so to speak, I can’t stand on the line. I have to cross over to one side or the other. I can’t ride the fence. Juliet, I care about you. I hope you see the truth in what I am saying and think about it. But you are wrong. I must stand with mom and Jackson here. She is my mother and he is my friend, and I have tried to be as unbiased here as possible and see NO GUILT in either of them. My conscious is clear too on this matter. You say yours is, and I have to ask, how can you say these horrible accusations against the saints of God, accuse them of starting a hate campaign against you (when you are doing it to them?) and still have a clear conscious? I just don’t understand! It breaks my heart, but I don’t understand. This is more painful to me than the rumors about I and Jackson ever were.

You are accusing the brethren, Juliet. God will deal with those who wrong us. We need not to be slandering them after we have been hurt. If it is true that you were falsely accused, my mother was not the source. Accusers always end up condemning themselves with their own words and the truth shall be found out in the end.

So yes, Juliet, I have officially ‘unfriended’ you on Facebook, and YouTube. You are not blocked however, unless you give me a good reason to do so. I would appreciate a response with an answer to my questions. I’m not going to say all this to you and completely cut you off. But you must understand my reasonings behind my actions.

I’m praying for you. I wrote you too much to send in one message. I apologize for the length, but I ask that you do not react in anger but will rather consider these words.

-Eve

 I am so very sorry to see that you have encountered the same problem with these two as I have. They became angry and shut off any form of communication that prevents you from trying to make things right between you and them. That is wrong and unbiblical. I have had the same experience myself. I was unfriended and blocked both on Facebook and YouTube after I caught them talking badly about myself and my daughter behind my back. It ended very badly and I regret ever trusting those two and even meeting them online. They went behind my back and were gossiping about my daughter and when I found out I confronted them with it. It’s been a nightmare ever since. I have not breathed a word of this to anyone but two of my other friends (as witnesses) and now you. Unlike Juliet, I don’t go around YT accusing her of gossip and badmouthing me and my daughter to all of our mutual friends, in fact, I asked her to keep it between us because I knew she wouldn’t, but I hoped. And she didn’t. She has told everyone about it and for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone believes her. I didn’t trash her publicly. I didn’t gossip. I said nothing to no one and yet, she has and continues to do so about me. Liz cut me off without warning. I’d only asked her if it was true and she was very curt and then she blocked me. And Juliet followed suit not long after that. I caught them both and they know it and I have proof to back me up with what I say, they do not. Yet not wanting any trouble, I kept it to myself even though they have not. This is becoming a pattern with these two so it’s time I speak out about it to others and I think telling you about it to be the wisest course, so I did, and you agree with me that we have done correctly by biblical standards. We went to them and confronted them or attempted to with witness…and that hasn’t worked so now it must be told to the church and I am aware that the internet is not a church but the people on it who are our friends that we fellowship with are a part of the church so we will tell them and if they don’t repent, well….we’ll just leave it to God. I have been praying for you as well. And I always will be.This whole fiasco has had me depressed, sad, angry, and I even cried about it one night after it happened and it had finally sunk in about how deceitful these two women are who for some reason feel the need to abuse the friends they have a minor disagreement with and I just sat and cried. One time. I allowed myself to mourn and cry one time and I with the exception of my daughter I was alone when I cried. I didn’t want sympathy pats or try to score favor with others about this by crying all over YouTube and Facebook as Juliet has. It was a painfully private matter and I allowed myself to cry and grieve over it that one time. I prayed about it and am STILL praying about it and God has comforted me greatly and my daughter too, and we are okay. It is much better to have these two out of our lives for good. Forgiveness has been given, even though they haven’t asked for it, but it is a relief to forgive and to move on. God has shown me this is the right way to deal with it and it’s time to let Him take over after what I went through is known. Take it to the church when all else fails and if they don’t repent, leave them alone for God to deal with. And that is what I will do. I am not after revenge and neither are you, but those two are. They are vengeful, dividing instigators who can trust no one because they themselves are untrustworthy. Their gossip has shown this to be true. They will try and get revenge again for this, but I simply do not care. The truth must be known even if it is not believed and in time when they turn on someone else, it will remind their future victims of what we endured and maybe people will FINALLY SEE that we have been telling the truth all along. But even if it doesn’t, God knows and He will deal with it in His own time in His own manner and I trust Him because He said He would and God is the essence of TRUTH! He is the TRUTH! He does not take lightly the slander of his children. I have put this matter in His hands and I am safe
there as well. And so are you.

They went and attacked you on your channel. I see that now and I cringed as I read what happened. There is nothing wrong with being KJVonly and I am not one! I read the NASB and the KJV along with the ESV and I love the KJV. It is beautiful! It tells the stories of the beginning right up to the end in Revelation and it’s poetic and very comforting to me to especially read the Psalms in KJV. Also, it is a reminder of my heritage, the men I am descended from, as I told you earlier about, it reminds me that what is in that KJV is what my ancestors DIED for to make it available to the common man. They were burned at the stake, one for translating it into English, the other for preaching it true to its every word! I will not bring shame to my fathers by disavowing the KJV as an incorrect Bible. It is correct. And it is God’s Word. And there is nothing wrong with reading it only. I don’t get their problem with that.

Back to the topic at hand…sorry for going off on what some call rabbit trails…LOL!!!!

What irked me the most, is that when I caught them…someone told me what they’d been saying about my daughter and showed my daughter the proof of it…they both immediately blamed YOU for the whole mess! HUH!??? How was their gossiping about my daughter and myself in any way your fault? It’s not! I didn’t know you’d had a falling out with them because I had not been online when it happened. They were quick to put the whole blame on you for what they did and you didn’t even have a clue about any of it. Juliet tried to make it public on my Facebook page but I told her publicly to her comment that it was not you, you were innocent and didn’t have a clue to any of this and I wasn’t going to let you take the blame for it. She got upset and asked me to remove the comments, which I did. She also told my daughter it was your fault and what did Liz say about it? I’ll show you and if you need a screenshot I’ll send it to you.

Liz: But, I think I know who is doing this, and if I am right, I will pull this woman down so hard she will crawl for the rest of her life. There is a woman on YouTube that I recently deleted and had to block from my Facebook. I had to block her from my YouTube too, as she couldn’t take the hint and took my deleting and blocking her on Facebook, public on YouTube. I only knew her for about 10 days through Facebook, but she was a nasty piece of work and I have a sneaking suspicion she might be telling you some whoppers – that is, if I am right – I am not sure.”

I let her know it was NOT you and thanked her for writing me back even. That is the last I heard from her. She blocked me that very night or the next morning. Juliet just flat out said your name in the mess. At least Liz was a little more discreet even though she was just as dishonest about everything else.

Everything you’ve stated here you are absolutely correct about. You took the proper steps. Their inability to respond in kind by repenting of their sins and their lies about us and against us shows that they don’t care what the Word of God says about anything! They were proven wrong and it hurt their pride and scared them to death that they would be found out and instead of repenting they just compounded their guilt by continuing to lie and slander! And then they get upset when it is revealed about them again and again. We are not the only ones they’ve done this too. We won’t be the last either, I fear.

As for our brothers and sisters in Christ, how can anyone continue to trust anything that comes out of these women’s mouths? How can you take their word for it and not wonder if what you say can be twisted into something horrible that they can lie to others about to make themselves look better? And they will. Trust me…they will.

Every one should consider this before they open their mouths to gossip -

“He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.” Proverbs 20:19

and this:

“But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.” Numbers 32:23

Gossiping about someone ALWAYS backfires on the gossiper. There is no excuse for it. It should not be done…especially when it concerns other Christians. If you don’t have proof, keep your mouth shut until you do. And if it’s unfounded it almost always comes back to get you. People will see it eventually, usually when it’s done against them.

I’m sorry they did this to you as well as what they did to me and my daughter and the young man they so viciously slandered in their efforts to make my daughter and him look so bad. I am praying for them, I am praying for us all!

I love you my sister, it has indeed been an honor for me to be able to call you not only my sister, but my friend.

In Christ,
Karina

Oh…wow! I just read her side of what happened with you. The blog post she wrote you is almost word by word exactly the same as what she said to me…her conscience is clear…blah…blah, blah! All the same. Her delusions of persecution by others and how she has to bear them, etc. Seems like she has an automated letter to send to those who offend her. It’s all typed up and ready to send to her next victim. She took issue with you because you are KJV only and issue with me because a young man innocently commented on how pretty my daughter is. Heaven forbid a man think anyone but Juliet is beautiful. And is she really? We know about the picture. And beauty is only skin deep. What matters is the beauty inside a person.

Why is this? Because she is DISHONEST, that is why and she wants everyone to think of her as some high, noble lady. Ummm….actions speak louder than words, Juliet. I dare you to find ONE public comment that I have posted against you anywhere on YouTube, Facebook, or anywhere else on the internet you may hang out at. I dare you! You won’t be able to because I haven’t done this. YOU accused ME of starting a hate campaign against you. HOW can I do that when I have said NOTHING about you? How can I accomplish that? You’re not so wonderful that the only thing I ever commented about was you, Juliet. I haven’t breathed a word against you publicly until today. But I HAVE PROOF that you have by the comments that’s been on your channel that you made about me. Ever hear of screen shots Juliet? I make them when people lie and slander me, just in case I need them. The only people I have ever had to take screen shots of their comments before were atheists, pagans, witches and Satanists. And now
you….a Christian woman. Look at the company you keep. I hope you wake up soon and realize the world does not revolve around you.

- Karina

Luke 12:2-3… “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” Luke 8:17: ” For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.”

   They left for a wilderness camp about fifty miles south on Nares Lake. A beautiful little camp vista surrounded by a mass of poplar and evergreens at the base of a rugged mountain called Nares. Most of the summer canoes would be dotting the shorelines and animal bone mobiles swinging from the trees.  In reality, it was the camp of a common occultist, promoting himself as a wilderness guru and his campaign was relentless. This is where Dick Person entertained them for seventeen days with yogurt, yoga, tepee, and talk.  And a whole lot of inka thrown in to replace coffee. It was a unique experience for anyone who was secretly self  masochistic  and I kid no one.

   The following account is of my nineteen hours I spent with Graham, his wife Susan, sons Jackson & Wil, and their daughter Nile. Also a few of their friends, Susan Patner and her son Henry, and Bill & Lyn Long. Also a nice fellow by the name of Dan Stueber. Dick had three American boys as assistant, handyman, and breadbakers, by the names of Roger, Rick, & Seth. There were eighteen people in camp all eating blue corn chips and drinking substitute coffee surreptitiously. Some from as far away as Sweden and Germany.

    I met Bill early on that day. The wonderful guy who had me believing that he was quite possibly from Zee Zee Top. His original story stemmed back to a drunk in Kauai who staggered up to him thinking that’s who he was. He had a remarkable beard that few of us could ever imagine.  He gave me his copy of Cros’ newest album. The one that Dave had given him the night before they all boarded the plane.  I was not really into Crosby but it was the thought that mattered and Bill was a very gracious individual.

   Over near the makeshift shower, Susan was vigorously working out the imaginary kinks in her tiny body on the gigantic trampoline. She was possibly the healthiest person in camp.  

   Somewhere in the distance, the boys practiced with Jack’s bow and arrow. They were fizzing over the edge in delight. Something new and adventurous that city life could not deliver. They had been carefully instructed by their father and by the guru but in another hour, tears were being shed, as they came back with their limp grouse. Poor Wil, poor Jackson. They evidently underestimated themselves.

   When Graham was introduced to me, it was spontaneous. Very spontaneous. The three of us all coming from different directions; Graham from the west, me from the north, and Dick from the east. It was almost like Graham and I were making an effort to get by one another to see how much longer we could stretch our introduction. A crazy mind game. Maybe all morning if it had not been for Dick intervening. We had conversed, we had laughed, we had sat beside each other but we had not met. I know I sat beside him because  I remember what he had for breakfast.; cinnamon oatmeal in a stainless bowl. I remember he didn’t really feel like being around everyone but how good he was at hiding it. He spent many long hours collecting stones and driftwood from the verdant shorelines of spring. A favorite pastime while there. I saw him at the campfire only a few times that morning.   When he was there he went about his needs quietly and consistently. He was Graham… so pure and original. The one you want to know when he is playing on the other side of the world. The one who… managers and roadies and personnel would prohibit someone from meeting if they did not have proper connections. Normally this man was out of limits.  Suddenly, he was one of us in the middle of nowhere.  

   I stepped into the cooktent that afternoon, where there were boxes and cans of things like raisins, grains, nutbutters, and dreaded inka to keep us all happy and healthy. In the midst of four walls ready to collapse,  was a man leaned over his work. Busy with interest. Busy with his fingers. With his thoughts. I have no idea what his thoughts were on. They could have been on the antler box that he was making. They could have been on Cros in the Caribbean.  They were intense. I should have felt guilty for watching him. Somehow I did not.  I wanted to make use of the opportunity to see him in those unique surroundings.  I never had and I knew I never would again. Quiet moments of observing his introverted  creativity finally past when I stepped outside and remembered to breath once again.  All of this was caught somewhere between the real and the surreal.  While it was certainly happening in another sense it was not.  It seemed that time was going by very fast that morning, yet it also felt like time had completely stopped.

   Outside  his wife knitted a rainbowed scarf for the great wilderness guru. Almost half done, she would have it finished when they left.  He had no idea yet.  Probably he thought she was knitting it for Graham.  So it was her secret to surprise him later.

    Most of the work around camp was done by Roger, Seth, Graham,  & Bill who cut wood daily with the swedesaw and packed gallons of water. Susan backed her first pie. I think it was rhubarb with whole grain crust. Something like Neil Young’s favorite (with strawberry) but Neil wasn’t there!

    When supper was finished,  ‘the’ Jackson would personally instruct me on the dangerous delight of axe throwing.  Certainly, something he had just gleaned from the guru. He was eleven. I was seventeen. His younger brother, nine and their sister, young enough that I could pack her around. A story has been recited, that the very first time she started to walk, they and the rest of the band were in Rome on tour.  So her first steps were in the Italian capitol. 

    When their father sang that evening, one held his mouth organ, the others sang harmony. They were inseparable. They were an embroidered unite. Though there remains no pictures of that miniature concert, to this day, it remains impossible to forget those sweetest and quintessential moments.

    That night  the sun would not go down. We stayed up very late. It was summer solstice. Past midnight. I can still see little Willie standing over his glass of orange juice in quiet calculation. Perhaps he was dreaming when he would study law.  Who would dare climb inside that little man’s mind.

    I left with family by boat in the twilight hours and I only recall  the cool air on my face coming from the surface of the lake water.  I recall how the air was so fresh.  It was a peaceful and exquisite evening in the land of the midnight sun. I was an emotional person and I was attempting to keep my composure. Inside I was overflowing like fermenting wine.  After  years of nothing happening in our lives, I was feeling invigorated and I was fueled.

    That next morning, I would hear the ever energetic voice of Susan Nash calling me from somewhere inside the hotel. I found her on the payphone. She was on the line long distance to her mother, Ginger.  When she was through, I used the phone. I think it was the better part of an hour before everyone else showed up, commuting fifteen minutes across the waterway from camp, as we had several hours before. Giggling and laughter everywhere. It sounded as though most of them had managed a longer rest than I who was still zapped from going to sleep so very late. I was nearing an emotional crash. It was now about noon. I remember Graham offering to order me some food along with everyone else. I remember Bill pulling a chair for me to sit down beside them. A small hotel diner, nonetheless we had a triple table and fifteen chairs. Crazy time and a good time never to be forgotten.

   At one point Graham got up and went out to use the phone just around the corner. It was his turn now. Susan and I had not dislocated it and it was still on the wall. That was good because as it turned out, he was calling a ship in the Caribbean. David was sailing merrily with his crew. Obviously quite content to think that it was Graham in the far North and not himself.

    I can still see the top that Susan was wearing.  A white jersey knit with an even pattern of tiny fluorescent colored scorpions across it. She had brought it from Kauai.

    After a very late breakfast, we toured the historic paddle wheeler. An extensive tour, it was, taking in everything from the captain’s office and bunk to even the boiler room. Graham absolutely loved it and he doubtlessly had the greater appreciation for ships than anyone of us.  I can still hear him calling down to the boiler room through the pipes, his children hyperventilating in sheer delight. They were having a lot of fun and they had no intention of it ending. Somewhere along the line I became their tour guide of the village and certainly I was a willing guide.

  They wanted to meet my grandfather. A man who was not actually my grandfather but many people thought he was and I figured I would not be the one to burst anyone’s bubble.  It was complicated for my whole family regarding him.  He was the one who lived at the end of the road,  very last cabin in town.  When we arrived he had apparently just finished in the kitchen.  He was bustling around as usual with a bee in his bonnet and apron on crooked. Perhaps an overdose of oven heat. On the table sat some kind of overly embellished dessert made of chocolate, whipping cream, and graham cracker. Susan ever curious and willing to learn, asked what it was called. She really wanted to know the name of it so when she went home, she could straightaway make it. Everyone was standing around in quiet delight. Just dying to sample it.  Right at that point, my mother came around the corner and announced that it was called ” Sex in a Pan”. Originally being named the less infamous, “Six in a Pan” because it required six ingredients. Reactions were somewhat mixed. I don’t know if Susan ever has made it yet but it seems like nobody has forgotten the name.

   In the front room Bill searched out the rocking chairs and managed to find the best one with only half the seat gone.  The two Susans and Lyn climbed the carpenters ladder to the upstairs with Nile and Jack following. There was something mysterious about the attic, particularly since it was unfinished and unfurnished. No one was going to keep them from finding out what it was. I held the ladder.

   Willie disappeared outside and hid securely in the woodpile. Each time someone went outside, he would make an alien nasal sound in his throat to try to scare them. I am sure he would not want to be reminded of that these days, especially since he is a grown professional now. When we did find him,

 he jumped out like a weed. Gleeful look on his face, he went scooting off in his sneakers.

   We stayed about three hours. I watched Graham shake hands and embrace with everyone. Then I watched him walk up the stair again and shake hands with my father. They had gotten along well and I had absolutely known that they would.

   Now Bill and I stood at the back of the truck. Everyone was trying to decide where to ride and if they could even possibly fit. Twelve to cram in. I asked Graham if he was going to walk back down to the waterfront. I’ll not forget his perfect humor. He said he would be unless I was going to pack him. When Seth, Bill, Graham, and I set off to the water, everyone else was still arguing and carrying on over their places. We were halfway down before the little truck went thundering past with arms and legs flailing out the back, signaling their victory on us. They were shouting something but it was beyond us. They were shouting nonsense.

   The street we were on, I would often stop and try to visualize what it would be like to see one of the famous four walk along on the opposite side. And if they did, whether or not I would manage to actually recognize them at that distance. There were certain times that I could absolutely envision them here in this mountainous village of magnified splendor. I remember thinking that as I walked along on the right of Graham who was my favored one. He pointed out the churches and asked about them. One on our right and one at the very end of town. One blue and white. One green and white. One Catholic, the other Anglican. Just before my years of theological study were to begin.  Religion was a continuing study for him and I really had no idea how theology would soon become mine. Five years later I would end up sharing with him my own spiritual discoveries that would in fact take a stark contrast. God knows how to surprise us.

   I stood  and watched the three men get their coats on and untie the canoe, pushing it into the water without effort. A few moments later I saw them grow smaller and disappear underneath the bridge on their way back to camp on Nares. Overhead, very high up, mares tails danced across the sky like they were stretching the circumference of the clock. Never again. When I closed my eyes, I could remember the little things. Like the book he read from. He was not a man for fiction. Or the blue speckled enamel cup he drank (smuggled) coffee from. His favorite colour was winter green. He gave people the benefit of the doubt yet he was no one’s fool.  A sage for his age yet incredibly youthful in the same degree. His beauty and reassurance.  His genuine interest in other people. He could be so funny, yet he was so serious. The seven songs in the tepee the few nights before. If his time and graciousness was not enough, I don’t know what was. The greatest realization that I have come to, is that he is always there. Somehow always obtainable. He is wine. He is vintage.

 2009  Shirly Ambrose

     The next afternoon was yet more breathtaking weather to fill a person’s soul, even a disjointed soul like mine. I sat on the embankment of the creek and knitted with size zero needles and white wool, though doubtful that I can remember quite what it was that I was making. On the side, I would occasionally reach over to a pen and piece of light cardboard and record my thoughts, without the useless help of electronics. It was really very peaceful out and I was beginning to take some positive control over my thoughts and feelings, rather than the other way around. In the very extreme distance, somewhere out in the middle of the lake, I could hear the minute vibrations of a single snowmobile. I strained my attention more. I sat it out for a few more minutes, while I listened for it to fade, but it never did, and it was only advancing nearer to our small deteriorating bay. I went back to the cabin and told my parents what was happening. We all lined the front window in various states of exasperation. Binoculars in hand for improved vision. There was a particular atmospheric condition that made it now sound like there was a caravan of machines coming. It was not unusual after the snow had gone, for a single machine to sound like several.

     We knew who it was. There was no one else we could imagine would be this irresponsible and ignorant. It was Ricardo on yet another incomprehensible mission. Around the corner he came. We were horrified. We were mystified. Though there are almost no words to describe it. The ice was entirely blue and unwelcoming. The danger was so obvious. We had no idea how he made it that far but he was nearly home free. The shoreline was only a few hundred yards away when he stopped certifiably unannounced and stepped to the front of his snow machine. Something caught his attention. His head was bent down and you could see how he was studying something with substantial significance and then through the wavering heat mirage, he seemed to actually vanish for the moment. One could not be certain what they were seeing. The glare from the sun was so blistering. With binoculars you could see all that existed anymore, were his shoulders and head above surface. Suddenly you could hear him begin to yell in complete exasperation. It was a terrible sound. Absolutely horrifying.

      Father looked at us despairingly and we looked back at him the same, not immediately knowing any action that could be taken. It seemed there was little or perhaps nothing that we could do to save him, while we could obviously not use the ice ourselves. My mother and I made my father promise that he would not go out on the ice if he was less than certain that he could return. There was absolutely no suicidal quack that was worth the life of my precious father. In the midst of our intensifying discussion, you could hear Ricardo wailing in the background, through our thin plastic windows; certain that we must have forgotten all about him, uncertain that we had ever actually heard him yelling. We had answered him but perhaps in his overriding confusion, we were quite audibly lost.

       That afternoon was beginning to take on a challengingly fiendish twist. This morbidly paralyzing sensation was beginning to creep into me as I was absorbing the full possible repercussion of what was happening and the position that we were in. Now here we were literally being bathed in the brilliant beauty of the sun, while death was beckoning  from a sinkhole in the bay. I was considering what seemed this enormous contradiction. All the sunlight that was shining in the world would not prevent horrible situations from happening. That moment seemed to validate how danger could so easily seek out the least expected and opportune times to strike the unknowing and naive.

      Father worked genius under pressure. Possibly from his army training. He decided that he would take hold on our small canoe to slide across the ice with a length of rope inside and a single paddle. He used the canoe to support his weight as he walked the distance near to Ric, stopping short to throw the rope. It did not help that he was five feet around the middle. It took a while for my father to load him into the canoe and he floundered about in the needle ice awhile before successfully climbing aboard the boat. We watched them sitting there in the canoe exasperated, hardly moving, talking for some time. I cannot imagine what must have entered my father’s mind when Ric decided to crawl back another route to rescue his double track snowmobile, after being safely gathered up into the canoe. As they were both still sitting inside the canoe, you could recognize them in lengthened discussion, and then Ric stood up, stepped out of the boat onto the forbidden ice and made his way back to his precious and thoroughly dilapidated piece of equipment. We were paralyzed by his behavior and equally mortified that we even knew him. Our pity for him was waning somewhere in the proximity of where our respect for the guy was draining.

       Sitting in the canoe, my father watched him. Against all odds, he was able to turn the machine around and speed it across the bay, crashing it onto the other shore which was a bed of gigantic boulders. We thought he had terminated himself from the terrible collision. He did not move at all for ten minutes, lying there unconscious for that next while, in among that jagged shore ice and sharp rock that cradled him like a reprobate savage. We saw movement. With bursting incorrigibility, he began to actually walk again. For some time, we watched him ramble along the far shore like the abominable man, weaving in and out of the boulders that filled his pathway the more than one mile back to us. He was in completely undaunted pursuit of our home, which had been his original and preferred destination.

        We had long welcomed my father back from his canoeing expedition, when Ric finally wandered into our yard about an hour later. There was blood over his forehead and down his arms, a gash grand enough to deserve several stitches, and the insanest thing, was how he walked into our yard as though it was any other gainless day for him. I met him at the edge of our property and secretly wanted to beat him with a piece of firewood. There was a mildly mortified countenance on his bushy face, turning ostentatious as he reached into his woolen jacket and zealously pulled out a hardcover for me. Not as impressive as he wanted it to become. He was trying to soften the moment. This guy’s sense of priority and proportion was perplexing. Weeks before I had ordered the book from the library. He boastfully explained how he had guarded it with his life all the while that he was submerged in subzero water, feeling obligated because our local lady librarian had made him promise that the book would be safe in his delivering hands. This man was infamous and had himself an unequaled reputation. He actually had a history of people rescuing him from the waters. The great experienced bushman had already been saved from going overboard by two women on two different lakes. Very difficult to feel sympathy for someone that careless.

      We proceeded to pour coffee down into him and he repeatedly assured us that he had actually weathered the entire ordeal well. No argument from us. We had nothing to seriously concern ourselves over, as he had come through it with satisfying colours. No flying colours. Apparently he was some kind of super breed. We were hoping that he would indeed wake up the next morning as we did not want to bury him in our back bush.  It was his notion to start out that night on his long journey by shoreline back to civilization. It entailed more than thirty miles for him and we eventually convinced him to wait the evening through, even though we didn’t want to bury him out back. In the morning if he was still coherent, he could borrow a rifle and set out to walk that distance back to where he came from.

     Conveniently evading him until the late evening, he eventually explained how he nearly brought my friend out with him. How they had met at the local bar and Ricardo had offered to bring him out on that beautiful April afternoon of slush and overflow and breakup. They had agreed to meet back there at noon. I had not a clue who he was talking about as I really didn’t have any friends. I wondered what he had been smoking. I certainly did not have a friend by the name he had given. Finally, he referred to him as my writer friend; who had been asking around where we lived. You could hear a pineneedle fall. I felt like stone and I lost most of the circulation in my limbs; my feet were tingling more than was good. He said he was an older fellow who was visiting for a conference. In how it developed, when Ric returned to the hotel bar, my writer friend was nowhere to be found. Ric waited but eventually had to leave alone, ever anxious for adventure. I was beginning to learn to expect the unexpected in this life and realizing I needed to be grateful for the missed opportunities. There is some purpose in everything.

2009 By Shirly Ambrose 

                              

We moved to the Yukon in the mid seventies and the purpose behind leaving the Caribou district, was to escape both sides of the family. My grandfather had a distant dream of moving to the territory but it never transpired for him, only it did happen for his son.  My father was an army man turned wilderness adventurer and for the reason of moving so isolated, my parents were both catastrophically judged as rebel hippie children. However, not settling well with either of them.

We set up our camp on the gorgeous shorelines of the West Arm of Bennett in early summer and I remember the day we arrived. It was a beautiful blistering sunny day and the south wind was just beginning to gust in its proverbial fashion. Within the week we had everything assembled the way we needed it and that is how most everything would stay for the rest of the summer. So we thought. Unknowingly, we had trespassed the territory of an ancient grizzly. He monitored our moves closely and the first time we were all gone away to the distant village for supplies, he ravaged the camp. When we returned after three days, it looked like a war zone. There was blood and fur strewn about the yard, as he had effortlessly devoured our two pet rabbits, upturning their miniature log cabin that my father had lovingly built. That was the day that I began to hate bears without reservation. The mustard and honey were broke wide open and mixed in a muddle on the ground, the roof of the storage tent was sliced open, and the sleep tent was ruthlessly knocked down. Our one dog had broken loose and was wandering aimlessly in the distant back bush. Nothing was left in its proper place. The soya sauce was in the edge of the trees and the cooking planks were floating at the lake shore. He was not far. He came back in the dusk while we were still unloading the boat and accidentally ran into us on the trail. Head down to the ground, poor of hearing, and having shortsightedness….he did not realize we had returned home until he finally smelled our scent. Apparently, he spun around and went running in the opposite direction. When caught off guard, he had not the courage to face us. My sister went into the collapsed tent crying because she and my dad had seen him at only a few minimal feet. What a night.

There was an unsettling quiet that came over the camp that week because we knew he would continue to plague us into the autumn. My sister and I cried for days and whenever we’d walk by the torn pen, our hearts would break. We wanted justice. Life was taking on a new meaning for us and our innocence was fading. That was August.

The next time we needed to buy more supplies, my mother stayed to protect the camp and all our necessary belongings, while my father journeyed by boat the distance. Someone had to stay at camp and I believe she decided to stay. She would later recognize how the bear would seem to sense when my father was gone and when she was left with the responsibility of the camp and tender children. She swore it felt her vulnerability compared to dad who had more experience in the wilds. I have no doubt it did, as animals are incredibly intuned; when they are not wandering along distracted and day dreaming. At about eight at night, our dog Bobby began to alarm us by his barking and my mother knew she would have to stand watch. It was just becoming dark and we had already eaten. I remember she told us to stay calm in the tent and to not make any noise. So to not draw in the bear more readily or to distract her attention from what was going on outside the tents. We were quiet. I remember she never came into the tent all night but twice for a few seconds to check on us. She would build the fire up higher when Bobby would become more agitated and we could see the fire glow through the canvas of the wall tent. Eventually I drifted into sleep while she stood her ground with our beloved dog Bobby who was a shepherd and sheepdog cross. She would hear it breaking branches near the dry creek, expressing its annoyance at everything in camp. A moment later she would catch a glimpse of its huge shoulders floating through the camp on the other side of the fire, no more than fifteen feet away from her. Bobby was freaking out at how close it was keeping. I think she finally let Bobby off his chain and told him to stay real close. The poor thing was a good watchdog but when the bear was too close for comfort, he would suddenly become silent. That is when she would know it was only feet away and would prepare to have to shoot it in the pathetic firelight. Never quite sure what direction it would come from. Only once did she shoot into the air, as it stood silently glaring at her, trying to determine what she was capable of. One moment toying with her and the dog endlessly, the next moment contemplating a massive attack on the entire camp. It could not quite make up its mind what approach it wanted to take with us. Not fully intimidated, yet not fully driven to anger. Not that night. Yet it would not give up and its compulsion was unyielding. It pretty much had us where it wanted us but it did not like the fire my mother built. She kept it as high as she was able that night and we all feel that nothing else would have kept it at bay. The fire being the determining factor and particularly when Bobby went silent on several occasions. It was twilight before she could finally let the fire die down and the old grizzly had run its nocturnal course with her. Forget sleep as it was completely out of the equation. That was not the first time she had been alone at camp but it was the last time before the cabin was built.

It was October now. They had no sooner finished the log cabin and we were still on the first floor with plastic on the windows and a rough plank door, when the grizzly returned for his final assault on us. I am sure we had been in the cabin only four days, when two young hunters traveling through, had asked to stay in our old tent grounds, with a canoe full of freshly harvested moose. They were proud of their hunt. Just boys of fourteen and sixteen, they were afraid to stay a night alone with the canoe full of stakes. They knew it was a dangerous idea. They also figured we would protect them from night time predators. Forgetting their rifles in the canoe they went to sleep in our one remaining tent, early that evening. I remember bedding down so blissfully at about nine that night. We had a nice big bed underneath the new front window; two doubles pushed together for warmth and safety. That front window was the highest point of the house, probably seven feet from the ground which provided a false sense of safety. Despite the footage, I could easily invision coarse fur and claws reaching in and hooking any of us out of bed before we knew what was happening. No homemade furniture as yet. The room was nearly bare. Only an army cot in the far corner where our new dog was underneath and about to give birth to a litter of pups. I was four years old and drifted into a wistful sleep in the extreme comfort and beauty of our new home. So fresh a home, the pitch was leaking out of every imaginable crack in every single log. Around midnight I was instantly startled out of my sleep with my parents racing around the room. My mother was grabbing the flashlight to assist my father who was already at the door with the blanket thrown aside. Dad was to his feet like lightening. I saw them with their guns. Then I saw or heard my father throw his gun down on the doorsill which absolutely was not like him, only to hear him yell to my mother for her gun. He did not realize she was already handing it to him. Like in a nightmare, his favorite and reliable rifle had actually jammed. Then I heard the first shot. And then silence. Dad was no longer near the door but fully out side. Then I recall she shouted to be careful. He was standing only a few feet from the grizzly, which appeared to lay dead on the ground. He gave it another shot for good measure and preceded to prod it with the muzzle of the rifle. It was dead. In the middle of it all, seven pups were being born. In the dim moonlight, the grizzly had come into camp for the canoe. When he started throwing Bobby around on the chain, my father had busted out of bed grabbed his rifle in hand and made it through the door. The grizzly was prepared and already charging him by the time his gun seized on him. Where the grizzly fell was only eighteen feet away from him, in the dusk of the moon where a man can barely see. It was more than twenty years old and weighed five hundred pounds dressed out. The two young men slept through everything that night. So they said.

2009 By Shirly Ambrose 

Temptation is a fearful thing that never will make right
Comes to us at midnight when there is such little light
When our defenses are impaired we cannot even fight
It lasts us but a season to wander in dark reason

Now turn me back around so I can see things straight again
Don’t tell me it’s alright because I can start to feel some rain
How many times have I mentioned my obsessions unintentioned
Did you not hear me wanting free or hear me love the misery

Now never did I want for you to turn me inside out
Or draw me tight unto you, beyond a reasons doubt
A moth unto the evening flame with all to lose not to gain
Like sun that shines so brightly but clouds that threaten rain

I know I never will sustain that sin that sends me near insane
Tell me do I thrive on pain or is there something else I gain
Certainly there is reason for every single suffered season
Why the galaxies exist, why we persist while yet resist

Humble man upon the stage your futures not within a cage
And I in sad obsession could not share your desired possession
If it was only your charisma I’d count that I might need
Alas, it  is not only that but everything I must concede

Never have fallen short of impressing me I say in all sincerity
To me you’re more than all the rest as I see you at your best
There is safety and there’s sanity in our simplicity we are free
Just hold me for one moment then say that you must go
And so I will never be allowed to let those feelings grow
Part of me has fallen deep but you I could not ever keep

And I will wish you’d never gone in the wee hours we used to don
Fond memories of talking and no sleep are absolutely bitter-sweet
Now never will I even consider to take your country paths alone
I’d sooner never walk them again than walk them on my own

Now we watch each other grow, neither young nor old does show
You’re a pauper, you’re a prince, devils could not quite convince
Cultured boy without much care, I treasure everything we share
The greatest times of my life have been but moments in their length
And its strange how we cannot forget their validity and strength
Will never say you are gone away only absent for the longest day

Like a moth unto the flame, you are sunlight yet you are pain
Must I always  be  fixated with some love I have part created
Now my gypsy can you tell me what my future holds for me
Are you standing in my door wondering on earth what for?

Ambrose  2004

Ambrose  1994

I know my soul  God did really save but how long can these lusts enslave
Faith says thru it He will  take me but I fear that it will surely break me
My sins seem stronger as  I recognize  my desires betray me in many lies

Steady my  heart  I am wearing down fast, the present assumes the past
So  it seems that nothing in its beginning can bear to last continual sinning
Not sure when my flesh began to reign, perhaps when my soul began to pain

All directions that  I  am turning,  I remain ever absent in the real learning
I  fluctuate and  that  you can anticipate even until the hours grow very late
One day lightning might strike me dead for the interferences within my head.

Ambrose  2003

At the risk of being considered a secret feminist, I must still write this. For those who will be perhaps determined to do just that, the false accusations will fall on their very own shoulders. I am not a feminist and have full Scriptural reasoning and support for my following thoughts. Need I make mention, that is all that is required.  As women, we are not abandoned or abased by God in His commandment of submission for us. Whatever perceived importance that we hold, should not be considered abbreviated or diminished by any authority over us. Furthermore, we are not intended for our husbands to reign any kind of adverse and abusive influence. Idealistically, we are not only protected but we are virtually vindicated by Scriptural ordinance. God has designed more rights for women than any feminist movement has been able and He will be successful in His plan of care, unlike any endeavored organizations of our day. There are obvious passages in our favour. We are not only safeguarded by Scripture that is for our personal good but we should also be ever uplifted by them spiritually. These passages are not more admonishment for us to adhere to but rather for our husbands to obey in the fear of Jesus Christ: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church” (Ephesians 5: 28-29) In every biblical passage that commands the wife’s submission, it is systematically followed with a command for the husband to love his wife unconditionally and not to take advantage of his position of authority. Interestingly enough, the definitions of subjection and submission are not exclusive to women. These words in their various contexts are used much fewer times in specific reference to women, than they are used in general reference to All who are under Christ. The same applies to the various other synonymous words such as yield and obey.  No doubt most of us have heard a preacher say: “Take hold of your life; take hold of your wife!” As far as I know, nothing is for the husband to take but for God to give him through the wife’s voluntary submission. There are many things that we ought to do, but does God make us do them? No. He actuates us to do them through voluntary and willful submission. That is His way of operation. The above attitude does not sound very Christian to me, since we are to look to the grace of God for all things. If we believe that anything lies in our hands, we are sadly mistaken. That is utter vanity speaking. If husbands fully registered what Christ’s likewise demands were of them, they might well cringe at their own trespassing. And if the husband can demand any degree of authority, the wife then has biblical reasoning to demand any degree of understanding and consideration from him. For the amount of authority he takes, he should be giving his wife the same degree of compassion. Otherwise, he is a vile hypocrite. “Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (Ephesians 5: 33). There indeed seems to be as many physically and emotionally abusive husbands as there are insubordinate wives. Where is the proper justification in our churches, for lavish concentration to be on the lack of subordination of the wife, while there is seldom any reference being made to the sin of the husband in his lack of care and consideration? There is no husband who does not fall short of treating his wife as his own flesh. All husbands will fall short of this biblical precept (often every single day), as they are imperfect human beings with as many iniquities as the opposite gender. My best scenario would be a husband who falls short rarely, while my worst scenario would be husbands who beat their wives, who are already in submission to their husbands. Both scenarios along with every scenario in between are in many of our churches and even among alleged saved souls. While I was growing up, my father meant everything to me. I know not another person whom I respect more. As much good as I can say about my dear father, I still realize how many occasions he managed to unintentionally fail my mother through either simple obliviousness or common ignorance. Naturally, they are both quite capable of failing one another. I believe there is really little difference between our unintentional sin and then our intentional.  Further on in my adulthood, I realized that area of failure in husbands was as commonplace as any other prevalent human failing. I would see much more of it as time passed, in the congregations that I visited and in the congregation I belonged. It was frustrating for me to see and devastating for me to experience first hand. Devastating because in my lack of understanding of what was really going on, it caused me to question God to a degree and reject submission, rather than, questioning those particular men. The devil was in the details. Certainly, there was more of it outside the Christian circle, and still worse, there was much of it within the churches. There was adversity where there should have been clearer understanding. It remains no more Christian to carry the superior attitude and mannerism of a male chauvinist, than it is to carry the attitude of a competitive feminist, for a woman. It is no more right for a man to think of women as inferior, as it is for a woman to think of herself as superior. When I first discovered the passages that dealt with roles and order for men and women, I could not even read them and they made me sick to the stomach with feelings of injustice. I would say to myself that: “it could not be!? God would not treat males better than females…!” For me, it reflected contradiction and did not seem righteous and in my defective understanding, it actually felt demonic. I was right that God would not do that. For I had misunderstood the Scriptures in the very way that Satan wanted me to and so that I would reject them. My fears and weaknesses had successfully been fed. Though we are not the same, neither is inferior or superior. Certainly, there are activities that one gender can accomplish better than the other. Most certainly, that does not balance out and is quite evident in all different kinds of circumstances. In the sight of the Lord we are spiritual equals and receive the same amount of that spiritual care. To the Lord, women are as important as men are: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28). That does not mean we have the same capabilities or positions, by any means. We are different and therefore are suited to have different capabilities and responsibilities under God’s established ordinances.  Husbands should not demand endless respect and submissiveness from their wives, unless they are capable of equally demonstrating their consistent consideration and care. In addition, blindness of actions is not a legitimate excuse or exoneration for the husband who is vain enough to believe he is doing just fine the way he is, without any given criticism. We are never doing fine just the way we are and there is always room for improvement. “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.” (Proverbs 26: 5). We do not expect perfect care from our husbands. No, we do not, as they are only human with human failings. We cannot carry such an expectation, when we are imperfect in our submission. What we do expect is an end to the prevalent hypocrisy within this area; (the husband who shakes his finger at his wife because she does not want to do as he says, while he has made some crucial financial decision and did not involve her; mocks her publicly, and he ignores her when she is speaking to him; has a lazy and indifferent attitude toward messing their home; ridicules her for talking too much when HE might have the greatest unbridled tongue of all.) With less of this pharisaical behavior, there is no doubt that many resentments would be willingly replaced with respect for the offending husband. When blame does absolutely have to be placed, it should be done in all meekness of spirit and without arrogance.  With all surety and conviction, the husband’s emotional and even physical abuse, not to mention common neglect, is just as abhorrent in the sight of God as a woman’s insubordination is to that husband.  I am not suggesting that wives should render evil for evil or that two wrongs make a right. I am saying no such thing. I hope that no one will attempt to put words in my mouth for me. Perhaps, the most difficult thing for women to do, is ignore their emotions and resign the notion of getting even when we have been seriously wounded. It is true that however our husbands treat us, we are still to respect them and be in submission. It is clearly not conditional. It is also true, that we are to be treated “as his own flesh” regardless whether we are in submission to him. When it comes to husbands, that is their command and responsibility. The rule for them is not conditional either. The strain of our own disobedience will specifically fall on our own individual shoulders. I am convinced, if one gender’s faults and responsibilities are to be ever ardently dealt with, so should the other gender’s. As wives are not to take Scriptural submission and order of authority lightly, so often struggling with it because their innate wills and determinations are every bit as strong as any man, let us not take the following Scripture without seriousness of mind: “Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it;” (Eph. 5:25) “And if a soul sin, and commit any of these things which are forbidden to be done by the commandments of the Lord; though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity.” (Lev.5: 17) “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:” (Matt. 6:14). Definitely, there is an element of even saved men who also have their own secret agendas and personal motives for reciting Scripture and singling Scripture out, that only pertains to the woman in her insubordination. No one can realistically believe that there are not some men within our churches, who do not secretly consider themselves superior in many ways to their sisters, instead of the more correct assumption, that they are only different and God has appointed them a particular position in life that they might not even deserve. If we do not deserve life but deserve hell, no one can righteously believe that they deserve any appointed position. A favour has been done for them and not because of them. “As it is written, there is none righteous, no not one.” (Rom. 3:10) “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God;” (Rom. 3:23) “And after all that is come upon us for our evil deeds, and for our great trespass, seeing that thou our God hats punished us less than our iniquities deserve, and hast given us such deliverance as this” (Ezra 9:13). One cannot righteously demand anything they desire. We are meant to pray for those things and furthermore, to accept the circumstances that we are given. It is the wife’s responsibility to be in submission with forcefulness. Although we have a Genesis passage that deals with Adam’s rule over Eve: “And thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee” (Gen. 3:16) this cannot condone strangulating constraint or any physical and emotional abuse, or it would be in a direct contradiction to the passages which command the husband to treat his wife as his own flesh. Since we believe in the harmony of the Scriptures, there is no other conclusion to come to, but that the husband is to rule over his wife with the hand of forbearance and understanding, rather than overbearance and demanding. We are all to be as servants unto one another. Obviously, gentle authority on the part of the man and sincere submission on the part of the woman, are not weaknesses but absolute and undeniable strengths. For the women who remain devastated in their sad misunderstandings of biblical submission and those misconceptions of authority that are carried by many: the male gender is nothing more consequential, more intelligent, or more deserving in the sight of God. They are only different and have a different position to maintain within an ordained society. I am in conviction that there are percentages of men and women who cannot understand this properly. We hear much on the importance of headship and the proper levels of authority, yet considerably little attention is given or elaboration made, on what that principle entirely constitutes for the man.

Copyright 1997  (permission granted for free distribution without editing)

It had to have been April when our minds were critically expanded.  We had been in the North only eleven months and had survived our first winter in a small cabin on the shores of a remote lake. My family had moved  to the most isolated location that my father could  conceivably find. Though my father was in his early thirties, he was wise beyond his years in more ways than I can count even now and he had witnessed  more than the average person. As a curious mind, he mentally and genetically had a profound influence on me and I realized that I could take my father at his word with anything he specifically addressed. At the young age of five, he thought  for me and did that very well. At the tender age of three, I began to listen to his stories and learn from them. What I learned was what most people never accept in their lifetime. I kid you not.  Over in the corner of the log cabin, my mother and sister carefully collaborated . At the table with heads together, they might well have been into a knitting or crocheting project.  I was not incredibly interested in what they were doing. I was in my own world. It was a casual spring evening and the ice was still hanging on the lake by a very thin thread . It was what we called needle ice for the obvious reason that it looked like needles falling apart into the waters.  When it separated, it would float around in circles causing a chiming sound that could even be heard for miles in calm weather. It was pretty calm that evening. We still had some snow in the yard that was crystallizing and the sun had just gone down below the horizon.  Dinner was over and  everyone was pretty sedated by now.  As my father sat with his cup of coffee, he studied the natural limited view through our double plastic window. Facing the near perfect north.  He was in quiet calculation for some time. Just staring through that large hole in the wall he had  cut with his chainsaw in the fall. His brow was furrowed some and  I noticed he became increasingly fixated  on something.  I walked over and he was watching a star near the top of the massive mountain range. A distance of two miles across the lake. I could not  really see anything that far because of the plastic and because of my age. I did not have his focus.  I quietly teetered on his shoulder, lending him my interest and blurried eye for only the split few seconds before he jumped suddenly to his feet, excluding all previous notions of him being inexcitable. It all happened so fast and without any warning. One moment he is sitting so incredibly still and the next moment, he is yelling to us to get outside and he is already half way out the door.  As though  there was an earthquake or something equally as paramount. I knew what it was because he had talked about it to us for as long as I could remember. I did not have to go around the world to know that it wasn’t flat because he told me. Neither of my parents figured it was flat because they had went around the world once this single occasion when they were first married. A few moments on a lonesome road. Only my mother was reluctant to talk about it much.  We could hear this peculiar sound as we headed out the door and then my mother picked me up so I did not miss any of the action. Our minds were spinning with the display that we believe was being performed specifically for us. There was oscillating and oscillating was all you could hear at such an incredible speed, that you almost could not hear it. Yet at the same time, it seemed very loud. It was almost dark out and the blue reflection on the metal surface proved almost blinding. I tried to count the small round windows. I remember looking inside to try and see a glimpse of something, anything, but there was nothing, just blinding light as white as winter snow. I know there was somewhere between eleven and thirteen windows on the side that faced us and it could not have been rotating because the windows were not spinning. Those windows and the space between those windows remained in my focus, not as in a blur to my eyes.  It was beyond our knowledge, how the thing stayed in the air, as it had no wings. It was like a fluorescent dinner plate in a furious state of internal rotation, as though it had an inner and then outer shell, the inner causing the oscillation. Despite the fact that we all had an incredible viewing of the thing, it was actually moving at an amazing speed, a speed where we should have seen almost nothing but a streak of blue and white fluorescence. Had our focus been diminished we would have seen so much less.  I am not sure how we slept that night. I cannot speak for them but I do realize that the fear of such phenomenons had not set in at that very stage in my life. I was young and curious more than cautious. I was naive. That I was too young to read and study, was a good thing. As this was the third close encounter of a second degree that my immediate family had witnessed, makes me think that we were being favored by forces from far beyond, yet from far below. Who would be the ones to believe this and who would not, did not matter, we all knew that these depths did reside in the far corners of our conscious.

sighting 1976

There is mystery in our destiny and to everything there is an absolute season. Never did I think it would happen to me and never was I supposed to know until the appointed time. No one knew such secrets. I was single and I was grounded more than I had ever been in my life and it was no less than a miracle that God had spared me my life from an utterly destructive relationship. The devils tried hard to take the witness from me but they should have realized that the length of my days are not actually appointed by them and neither by man.

It was snowing lightly outside. A cold wind all consuming. An October morning and it was the very last day. I came from a coffee shop and was going down the sidewalk, when I noticed this friend of many years. Alas, he was about to get into his car and so I stopped to say hello. I never saw him more than about every three years. When I did it was always nice. I had known him for over thirty years, the very summer my family moved to the Yukon. Doug was seventeen and I was four. Never mind, I remember that afternoon better than he does. I was always unusually fond of him all through the years but for some reason never obsessed about him or considered him very often, as it seemed so far away. In part because he showed little interest and in part because he was always with someone else. So I was. He was married by the time he was in his late twenties and had two sons thereafter. Then he decided on a divorce after she left them. I was married by then. He ended up with a string of girlfriends. I rarely saw him but always relished the few words that were exchanged. When we met on the street that snowy morning, he was so undivided and I was perplexed to see him that way. In fact, he was reaching out and since I was the only one standing there, I realized he was reaching out to me. A strange concept after so many years of contented neutrality. I had to assume it meant nothing but knew it mean something. I was getting used to demons playing with me, so I determined to deny what I was seeing in order to shield myself from being set up falsely. I knew because I was free again, I would be tempted shortly by the spirits of darkness. I felt that I was at that moment. So I would take the benign approach. Nothing was happening.

I asked if he had an email address. Somehow he found a scrap of tiny paper and a pencil and eagerly and carefully wrote everything down. It was unusually legible. He explained that he was working and managing a remote mining camp into the later fall and had to fly back out in another couple days. I remember feeling disappointed when he told me and then immediately realizing it was a good thing so I would have time to process these peculiar interactions we were having. We emailed and planned to meet that next night at the little coffee house. I had an opening night that I needed to attend at the arts centre so after coffee I formally dragged him along as my ever willing date! It was my nature to drop everything when I first dated but I would not do that this time. I needed him to know that I was not desperate or desiring a relationship in the least. If I was overtly compliant, I would fail to convey that. I was in fact,  slightly incompliant compared to my nature. He did not seem to notice or care. He was far too easy to be entreated and it was a fresh change from where I had been the last few years. As authentic as it was, it hardly seemed real. I pinched myself. I slapped myself. I kicked myself. It was a very fun evening. I was so excited to be in his company because I really was incredibly fond of him and for so very long. I was so freaking petrified as I knew enough about him, to fully realize he was a lost soul. I did not want to deal with another unregenerate man. I knew I would never survive it and it was not a spiritually productive act. He was the ultimate temptation being cast in my face. I had always coveted his attention in vain. Always the youngest of all the women to have eyes for him. I had no sane choice but to file him far away in the depths of my conscious mind for more than three decades. Now here he was treating me like a queen and calling me his princess. We had gone through so many things yet, we were the same individual spirits we had always been. That could not change as that was our soul.

I was fully braced and knew that I could not fight what was ahead for me. Not alone. A part of me was brave through lack of choice and a part of me wanted to go into reclusion and hide because I was in need of a long rest and not wanting another spiritual battle. I did not want to be caught in the middle of one while good and evil battled it out over me. I knew God would win no matter the outcome but I still felt that I needed my quiet time away from the scene and I was not looking forward to anymore wounds, even if they did ultimately strengthen me. The thing that I did do different than usual, was recognize that I would not hold up to this temptation and I took it all to God that time. I was completely concerned where it would head. I was not half serious at avoiding it. I was completely serious. I was like quoting Scripture on our first date…trying to keep him at a distance because he was coming on incredibly strong. Nearly midnight when we spontaneously decided to have dinner after the stingy exhibition opening. I remember him putting his arm around me in his car and how it felt like I had always known it could feel because I knew his unique energy and spirit. Intoxicating. It was a heavy night and I barely thwarted his advances. Yet you could still tell he was searching desperately and that he was very lonely. The night of our first date was a white out blizzard and I recall thinking how symbolic that was. As much as I was relishing my time with him, I was being thrown into a potentially terrible and dastard storm and I knew I was going to lose all sense of direction if I had not already done so. Given my nature, it was a given. I was glad he was flying out to camp for three weeks. I needed that.

Immediately, we were emailing each other and it was continually. Three and five times a day between work. The satellite phone did not work well so we made only three calls on that in three weeks. The reception was poor at best. We discussed so many things and although much of it is a blur to me, I can call the minute details to surface at any moment because that autumn remains such a milestone in my life as it was for him. The story of him walking across the bridge one disparaging day when his life was quite in ruins; while standing there in solemn reflection, he could distinctly smell what he later identified as mustard seed which could not grow in our area of the world. Within one of our knee deep conversations, I mentioned how we only need faith as a grain of mustard seed, to move the mountains within our lives. And in fact, to literally move mountains. For the reason, that he had never heard that before and it suddenly had significance to him, he recounted his memory of that day at the old wooden bridge. Amazing. Our talks were liquified. Once, I remember him turning extremely emotional on the other end when he realized where he was in his life in relation to Christ. Conviction of his spirit. He drank in every word I spoke and I had a feeling that afterwards, he could remember what I had said even better than I could. I think his memory had turned photographic over the things we discussed. The emails became out of control and we were both staying up until about three each morning despite our work, pounding out email after email to each other. In three weeks we ended up composing around three hundred emails each.

Strange. I had always loathed computers and had never owned one or used one my entire life. Only four weeks prior, I had a sudden impulse come over me to go out and buy a computer. The whole idea seemed quite crazy to me, all the while it was evident that I should have one. It felt necessary, even though I had managed very well for over thirty years without one. I was baffled why I felt that way and completely embarrassed that I owned one. Never told anyone. One morning I woke and had the notion and then two days later, I brought the thing home and began learning the basics quite painlessly. I was beginning to realize why this had mysteriously come over me.

I was concerned that the devil was playing me once again but despite that, the Spirit really did seem to be at work from the beginning. Something of profound proportion was happening for better or worse. It was not mine to know as yet. I was concerned without despair and hopeful without comfort. I made good use of the physical miles between us, to not lose the vision of where I was spiritually and where I wanted to be. With Doug, he seemed to go through growing pains every single day and yet he celebrated, even though he was in a very dark place. He seemed determined to reach the end of some tunnel that he was in or keep swimming from the depths of a deep lake until he could break the daylight surface finally. Desiring to find air. It was fascinating to read his thoughts. It was frightening to realize that his fate was not ultimately in his or my hands. I did not know what any of it meant. I could only surmise which in itself was dangerous. It was vanity for me to assume anything. Neither was it showing patience. I was aware that drawing premature conclusions was spiritual suicide. I was left without option but to stay focused on doing what I knew was right and embracing the experience only one moment at a time. Things were happening so incredibly fast, it was hard to envision a day or even an hour ahead. I fasted and called my father long distance to ask him to also pray. He was gracious and accommodating. He was wise. I felt that God was telling me to bring my father into the equation but no one else for that they would distract our prayers and ultimately become a negative influence. No one. Not even a preacher in this case. For some reason I really seemed to be sent that message and I asked him to not breathe a word to anyone else so he and I could deal with matters as we needed to and without external influences. I felt it was important for me not to discuss this with anyone else. For our prayers to be unhindered. It was not the season for anyone to know our secret. An earthly trinity of our minds and spirit. I will not forget the sensation running through my entire body, hour after hour and day after day. The nights were cold. So cold…but I could hardly notice for the fire inside of me to see him cross over. I can recall that my limbs were stiff with cold and mental tension and most nights I never even would start the wood stove. I would get along on low oil heat because I was attending to the endless and consuming interaction with him. And prayer. Priorities. Fasting was easy because most of the time I would forget to eat. It was all good and it is often the only way. Four eventful days later into the evening, Doug wrote me and sounded very different. Staid. Quieted. There was an awareness in his written voice and a lifting of his spirit. We had a remarkable conversation just before bed. He described how different so many things seemed to him. New. Still, I could not afford to assume anything. And I did not. I kept myself together. In the morning there was another note waiting for me, in which he described his regeneration in his own unique words. I forgot to breathe that entire morning for fear that I might miss something if only a single word, or that I might not hear the Spirit of God speaking to me about him. I positively froze when I read his words. Yet I was sure of nothing. I asked God how I could address querying him further and I was indeed given the words. I could not afford to offend him but I also owed it to him and myself, to analyze what he was saying to me. So, I sent two notes to him within four hours and he graced through them beautifully and satisfied my own spirit of concern. I was indeed resolved that he was sealed in the Spirit of God, for he was communicating in ways that only someone regenerated would and he knew things that only the Spirit could reveal to him. There was this remarkable calm about him revealed through his choice of words and suddenly he had a measure of blind faith that I did not even have after eleven years. I perceived a new man and reassured him that I was convinced of his miraculous conversion from his very own testimony. I started to remember to breathe once again and it felt like the colour was coming back to my face. I had not missed a beat for thirteen days through thick and thin, through sleep deprivation and worldly distraction. And the climax of my involvement was that morning he claimed his salvation in the letter to me. That was where I could have passed out and then slept for a solid week. I did not quit. I spent the afternoon in serious reflection and absolute awe of God once again and how He sends miracles down from the heavenly skies to awaken us once again from our mindless sleepwalking through the valley of the dead.

I was now celebrating from within my entire being. He was rescued from the depths. I was freed from the trial and I could not believe how fast God had decided to bring us through our fire. In three weeks, he had swept us through our trial, that might have consumed the rest of our days. That might have consumed him spiritually and consumed me physically. I had been used as an instrument unto the salvation of a soul. Someone who I already cared for. Someone who I would not have to deny my feelings for and was free to marry. Someone who God was intending me to marry all along the course of our lives. This I now knew and was so overwhelmed that I would be sent this man from God. I had not known this kind of elation since the day I was first sealed in the Spirit myself. I knew that God was shining down on us despite who we were and not because of who we were and I understood the essence of what grace was probably about as much as anyone could. Our God was sovereign and no one causes him to move his hand without his approval. No one draws toward God without heavenly empowerment.

Suddenly I wanted to see the place where it was determined he was to be saved. Alone in his cabin in the wilds. I knew that if I did not go straight away to this place, I never would have the proper opportunity. For some reason, it was important. I needed to analyze everything that was happening before us. I also wanted to see him and did not want to wait another ten days for his final return from the mining camp. He arranged a flight for me to catch that week and the weather was poor, so I had to wait an extra day. I would normally never consider flying that time of year but I had a mission to see this regenerated man at last. Knowing the enemy would love to see that plane come down, I prayed to stay well in the air and consoled myself while in mid air, that ‘what soever is not of faith is of sin’. It was the most beautiful flight over an endless cascade of rugged mountains covered in fresh deep snow. A nice pilot. The very most experienced one the camp manager could find. He sent his favourite pilot out to chauffeur me into those rugged ranges that encircled the little lake. Wolverine Lake. Camp Wolverine was a mining exploration for zinc. It was out there we were engaged, yet only after we were already discussing our wedding plans. Things were happening so fast. There was not a moment that we questioned it in the will of God for we absolutely knew from the depths of our being, that it was. It was something that went without saying.

There was this image I discovered of a dark partially frozen lake in the early morning light and it was unusual in that, when I saw it from the very first time, it spoke to me internally and unexplainably. Something I could not put my finger on. I had to send it to him. There were early morning shades of pink and of pale violet. A new thin layer of glass ice covering only half of the lake, signifying the precariousness of life. The lake was this place to drown in. Above the waters was an emotional vision of the most peaceful yet exotic mountains one could ever see. It was a simple scene. Simply profound. I discovered it within hours of his regeneration and knew sometime later, that it was a perfect visual of his whole experience. The image was absolutely serene and somehow to me, an image of his very salvation. He wrote me back and described how that when he looked into the image, he envisioned being in those waters under the ice and unable to fully reach the surface where daylight broke. That he was prevented from seeing the truth his whole life, by this thin wall of ice and now it seemed as though he had reached the open water where the ice had yet to form. Only hours later, I learned that the origin of his name actually means ‘from out of dark waters and thusly, no longer in dark waters.

We were engaged in three weeks from the time of our one date and we were married by my own father three months later in January. We were married in my home at the lake with only five other people in attendance. We wrote our own vows as poetry to one another and exchanged gold and green garnet rings. It was important to have my father marry us because he was the world’s greatest father and of course because of his integral part in the salvation of Doug. He was meant to be an instrument for righteousness. There was absolutely no one else I wanted to marry us or that I felt was spiritually qualified. We lived in a place with a small population and few churches and there was not one church for a thousand miles, that was doctrinally sound and that I would have considered performing our marriage. Neither did I want a paper pushing justice of the peace. It was around that time, I learned that pretty much anyone can perform a legal marriage and that we only needed the legality of it and our public vows before God. Nothing more was required. We were married just a few minutes after one o’clock on a very clear afternoon. The reason it was very clear, was in part, because it was very cold. I can say that I hardly noticed and I do not think that he did either. Some people never showed to the reception which we held closer to town, because of the frigid temperatures. Then in the later afternoon, the entire area suffered a huge power failure. We joked that we caused the failure. The blackout lasted for about three hours and when it grew dark, people lit candles to see and tried not to bang into one another or scare one another. We were at a rustic log resort built on a hill overlooking a field. The brave people showed before the sun went down and we had tons of fun with them, some of whom we had not seen for many years. Some were able to go for sleigh rides on the property and my parents were among them. Not withstanding the temperature, it was exhilarating. I had decided on decorating our three-tier marble cheese cake with my white homemade chocolates. They glued to the buttercream icing just perfectly and not one fell away. It was smothered yet somehow maintained giving an elegant and artistic impression. For most of our guests, the exotic cake was too rich to eat which left most of it for us. Our official photographer was a neighbor and friend who was saved about five weeks after Doug. We battled a few physical things around the time of our wedding and my groom had just healed from a pronounced eye infection, only a few days before. In fact his eye was still not quite healed. I came down with a virus that I could just begin to see the effect on one area of my side the very morning of the wedding. I felt fine. The next day was another matter. We came very close to having had to postpone our wedding for another two months, had the heavens not secured our day for us. It was obvious, that not every force wanted to see us married. That autumn and early winter was the most spiritually pronounced season of my life and it was a very powerful time. It was through our weakness and recognition of our weakness that God in all his strength was revealed in our lives.

It was a mysterious and beautiful whirlwind of a romance that was predestined in heaven before the foundation of the world. Our union was sealed in the heavenlies somewhere before time. He has been my prince of poetry, prayer, passion, and absolute promise. I am finally with someone of like faith and convictions. No woman could be married to a more perfect man in this imperfect world. Our time together seems so short and I do not deserve him. I regret the daily distractions that come between us but I suppose these also serve as some kind of spiritual growth for us also. I wish I was around him more. He is a rough gem that is being washed and polished by the current of nature and the overseeing of the heavenlies.

When I was four my family moved from a farm to wilderness seclusion where I spent the next fifteen years of my life. My father was forsaking the evils of society and trying to protect his family from the woes of living house to house. Neither of my parents were hippies just individualists. Never used drugs in their life. I believed that WWIII would start before I ever left seclusion. Thought the Gulf war was the beginning of it. We were around other people about ten days out of the year. I was home schooled then taught myself after the age of eleven and was never to public school in my life. I am glad about that as I would have either been bullied or turned into an avenging criminal and there would have been no in between with me back then.It was difficult but ultimately taught me how to become an strong individualist and to always think for myself. The fear and discomfort of society only caused me to turn more toward God. It was in the isolation and reclusion early on that I discovered my creative side also. I am an antrovert (yes I am an ant) who leans more toward introversion than extroversion. I realized much later and after my conversion, that God really does know best and that He definitely works all things together for the good to those who are the called according to His purpose. He moved my father to set the stage for my initial separation from the world in at least the physical sense to prepare me for the spiritual.

I married my landlord one year after leaving home. I was twenty and he was in his late thirties and had never been married before either. Only months before I met him, he had suddenly willed himself to give up alcohol and recreational drug use. He was successful. Good thing.  We left town life and moved out to a lake about fifty air miles from where I was raised. I began to further my art and creative side as I began to settle into a quiter life once again. It was there that he and I built a custom designed home together in our first three years of marriage. It was more than a small dream come true. An average sized home but our personal mansion on the hill. He was a good man in a worldly way but we were opposites attracting and had a very difficult marriage. I was regenerated in my first two years of being with him and that only led to more differences. After about seven years we started to slowly and reluctantly accept our differences that would never change. Then he fell terribly ill with cancer despite that he was a very healthy and strong individual. He survived only two years and then died on us at the young age of 47. We were together for nine years. I carried a lot of guilt for not managing to make his life better. Some of it was misplaced.

I soon entered into a relationship with a veteran man who was thirty years in radio who was a closet alcoholic and drug addict. I knew him from a distance for twelve years and considered him a friend. Subconsciously, I was desperate to try to rescue someone since I had not been able to help my husband. I was absolutely willing to forfeit my life for him. I was obsessed with helping him. I was of course very confused and back slidden and God finally revealed to me that He would take me out of here if I did not leave him. I realized I could not get myself out, so I (finally) prayed that I would be released by the power of the grace of God. I was within hours able to begin the process of escape and from there was no turning back. I had been self destructing and was not ready to ask of God until it was nearly too late. I was in this storm of self delusion and the devil was certainly encouraging me. I had some sort of twisted martyr complex of sacrificing myself. Finally God made me realize that this man would never be saved with the approach I was taking. It was God’s way or no way. I was completely released and would not even answer his phone calls anymore.  I was free of his demons at last and it was a four year struggle from beginning to very end. I was certainly my own worst enemy. The devil does not have to do much sometimes. A very dark time and it was a trial that certainly equaled the first because it was so spiritually crippling. Only God could get me out of where I was and he certainly did deliver me.

I was alone and not interested in searching anymore. I could not trust myself. I was free and I was grounded. Only four months later I came across a man I had known for more than thirty years. We had literally first seen one another the year my family moved to reclusion. I was four and he was seventeen! I remember the day.Over the years, we saw one another once in a while and spoke and were on our way. I actually adored him but felt that we did not have anything in common. So I sat him on a self for thirty years. actually God did. I was not meant to go there and that is why I never really did. When I saw him that cold autumn day, he was so unusually open and searching. We exchanged emails within hours. I was telling him I was not interested in a relationship and I certainly meant it. I was even a little hard. I went home and became extremely concerned. I was freaking out because he was pursuing me with even poetry in the first three days. It did not help that I had such a soft spot for him. I was in danger and I knew it. I even told a complete stranger one day what I was running from. I was on red alert with the sirens already on. I had never found anyone so easy to deal with & I was almost wondering if he was playing me. I felt however that he was completely sincere and so I treated his questions seriously. He had so many questions. He was pursuing me yet as much, he was spiritually searching. I wanted to help him but also knew my heart was on the line. I began to pray about it immediately. My safety that is. We were writing dozens of emails every day. One week had gone by. It was an absolute blur for me. He was still sending poetry but had more questions about me spiritually than anything. I began to realize that it was time to pray for his salvation. I called my father who was saved and asked him to also pray. Doug and I were up every night until about three in the morning. I was pouring my soul into him. I made sure I fasted. We wrote about 300 letter to each other in the course of two weeks. I fed him tons of Scripture and answered his every question. I never remember an actual argument from the man. Just follow up questions. I had never seen anything quite like him in my life. I prayed to God that I was not being fooled by Satan. That it was authentic what was transpiring. He was managing a distant mining camp. On the twelfth evening he began to sound different to me. Quieted. And the next morning he wrote and shared that he was delivered. I carefully queried him a little more that day and the next…and discovered that he really was a new man. Once I realized the miracle had really happened, I suddenly wanted to see where he was saved. I flew out to where he was was almost finished mining for the season and out there in the wilds which was even more isolated than where I grew up, we became engaged. I wanted to marry him as soon as possible now that I was confident in his regeneration. He wanted to marry me fortunately. Three months later in January,  my father officially married us in my old home at the lake. Our romance has certainly been a whirlwind. Praise God in all deliverances.

I was saved in Christ finally when I was 22 years of age in my early years of marriage. I recall being aware that God existed when I was less than a year old…obviously too young for anyone to tell me. This is what the Word teaches us….that we are without excuse!!!   I have been an ‘unconditional electionist’  from the beginning….which is the real and complete meaning of salvation by GRACE. I have no time for 99% Gracers as I have wasted enough time with them. Unless someone is sincere about knowing the proper meaning of grace that has been previously hidden from them….I will not be bothered. We are not to throw pearls of wisdom before swine and I can usually identify one very fast. I do not mind explaining and by the Word of God why ‘unconditional election’ is the only way that man cannot boast and why ‘unconditional election’ is what the free grace and gift of God also means by absolute necessity.  Again, I will not waste my and your precious time unless you are sincere in knowing more because if you are not completely sincere….then God is not drawing you and you will not accept anything I say anyway. I pray that God will move some people out there to see that most of the so called churches of God are in fact not churches of God at all….and that the most hated doctrine among mainstream religion requires to be the one doctrine that is good and pure. It is the doctrine that is hated by the devil and by the most popular preachers of our modern times. It is the doctrine that directly and indirectly inflamed the Catholic Cult to bring on the Great Inquisition where millions of saints were tortured to bloody death for this belief and the beliefs that must accompany it like sovereign grace. Officially considered to be a war in the differences of baptism but you do not have differences in baptism without differences in grace/works and you do not have differences in grace/works without differences in what election means. Do not try to tell me anymore that ‘unconditional election’ is not the most important doctrine of Scripture regarding salvation of souls. It is the one and only system of belief that keeps Christ rightfully exalted. And that is why it is ignored in modern times and hated in all history above any other doctrine of Scripture.

“Whatever may be said about the doctrine of election, it is written in the Word of God as with an iron pen, and there is no getting rid of it; there it stands.” ~  Charles Spurgeon  (note that he did not say ‘unconditional’ election but that this man did unmistakeably teach from Scripture ‘unconditional’ election beyond any shadow of any doubt. He did not twist the doctrine of election to mean ‘conditional’ election like most do. Nay,  he did not and thank God for that.

I remember having a recognition of God when I was an infant. When I was less than a year old. The earliest memory of mine in regards to that, was when I was seven months young. I have absolutely no problem believing that there are some select people who actually remember being born, based on having such early recollections myself. I know how young I was with these early notions because my parents confirmed it through photographs. I recall being in these pictures and what was happening around me. Who was with me in the room and who was not. Where we lived and who we knew at the time we lived there. All the three places we lived before I was three. What I knew beyond that realm. Fortunately I have both my parents and photographic proof also, to indicate how old I was. I wish I knew how much earlier I recognized God but I can say for sure, that at seven months I did. I knew that God was an old masculine figure and that he was my creator. I associated the sky or the upper heavenlies with where he was, yet a part of me knew he was everywhere. I was interested in God and curious. A deep and indisputable part of me reached for God and wanted to know him more. When I thought of God most was when I was alone in nature and I always felt somewhat emotional when I did think of God. In the quiet of nature. When I was free to enjoy a small area of heaven on earth. We lived in a very beautiful and wild countryside when I was young. Anywhere outside was a piece of undefiled nature. I wanted to know more about the man in the sky. That power in the great above. Yet even by then in 1972, I was already attached to the world undeniably and was much more connected to what I could see, than to what I could not see. I loved nature and it brought me closer to God even then. I knew that all of nature was created by God and that it was of him. I did virtually no figuring of things. What I knew was without any conscious reasoning or analyzing. It was imputed knowledge. Went without saying. Quite literally, as I was still not talking or understanding the human language. Neither could any of this be taught to me, given my age. Neither were my parents religious people. In light of all that, I have no problem believing that I came into this world already knowing that God existed. As John leapt inside the womb of his mother in response to God (Luke 1:41), I recognized the God that no one had yet taught me. As the Word of God states, we are without excuse. We know there is a God who created us, without the influence of another single human being. Thank God.
I did not have to learn about evil any more than about God. In many a dark and forbidden corner, I would perceive evil slinking around, waiting to strike me when I least expected it. I carried my share of fears. Some imagined. Some very real. Definitely, my early impressions of evil were undeniably strong. I heard my first stories of the paranormal by the time I was four years old and began actually seeing my first paranormal by the time I was five. That secured for me, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that there were evil entities out there who were desiring to destroy us. I would eventually realize it was our souls they were particularly after. I figured that if the flying saucers did not get me, the grizzlies would. I thought it would be a real miracle if I ever survived to adulthood in the wilds where we lived. My parents were very protective but I realized even they would not be able to save me from what was out there in the dark and sometimes daylight. I remember always blaming everything that went wrong on evil. Once we had a really fine dog come back home after breaking loose, with her throat completely ripped open by a wolverine. That was the devils doing. All the times we lost our dogs to porcupine quill inhalation, I firmly believed the devil was at work. Still, maybe he had been. I know the devil seemed real enough to me, for me to blame everything drastic on him. I learned about hell here and there. Never doubted it because of my embedded realization of spiritual darkness. Throughout most of my childhood, I certainly had a concern about ending up in that place of torment. As a dark cloud hanging over me. I was convinced enough of the probability of a real hell, to try to bargain with God. That if there was indeed, he would not send my father but would send me instead. I was about eleven then and though I thought the world of my father and knew he was a good man, I was not so convinced that we could escape hell. I was always inclined to worry about the worst case scenario with everything. I did not assume much and needed proof for everything. The older I became, the more acute was the possibility to me. I functioned by sleepwalking and wishing it away. Assuming that I could deal with it somewhere in the far future. The world queried about a hell and it made a certain amount of spiritual and common sense to me that it indeed existed. I was inclined to think there was a heaven and a hell by strong sensing of good and evil from early on. I also harboured an intellectual belief that Jesus was the one and only way and that he was the most significant of all prophets and teachers throughout history. Though my understanding was somewhat limited, I did not really question that Jesus was the one and only Savior of the world. That was fine by me and I didn’t really feel comfortable when people said otherwise. It did not pain me but I still did not like it. It seemed crass. This was before I had ever been exposed to any real preaching and I had never been in a church. We had several Bibles in the home but they were never read. I recall picking up one about three times in my childhood and trying to give it an honest embrace, only to place it back down after a feeble attempt to read a few lines. I gave up because I was an unambitious reader and saw that it was very great in size and had unusually small print. God was not drawing me much at that point.
As an adolescent I dreamt dreams and had psychic impressions which made me feel that much more unusual. Despite that my father was not yet a believer, he was vehemently against any kind of witchcraft. I think his grandmother and also mother who dabbled in the occult were the strongest influences in his disdain. Against my better judgement and in my greater moments of self deception, I was naturally drawn to some areas of the occult for the power and recognition that were its ideals. It was the first active spiritual power that I recognized and it was the easiest to experience for the unregenerate soul. Familiar spirits. It followed both sides of my family to an extent. Not everyone of course. Void of self induction, it usually just came to us to entice. I knew there was the dark and I knew there was the light, rarely did I think of gray area fallacies but I did not always know what was coming from God and what was coming from the devil. Quite often I did not care because I was preoccupied in the spell and mystery of it all.
Once when I was seventeen, I was going through an unusually difficult time. We were having problems with a psychopath and I was unusually unsettled and stressed. It was a mind altering time to say the least. As a form of escape, I began to reach out to one of my favourite musicians I listened to. I was unapologetically obsessed with music and it had long become a very large part of my secluded existence. I stayed up very late for a series of nights and prayed that this musician would come to me since I could not come to him. It was all so very important to me. I was very serious in what I was requesting. It was as though I was almost sweating blood as I put myself into a real state. Only months later that same musician arrived with his family and it was nearly on my doorstep. Another lake that connected to the lake we lived on. It was their first visit to the far and unheard of place that we lived. I felt that God had not only answered my prayers but that I was absolutely experiencing a miracle. I was invited to stay for the entire seventeen days. They were lodging in teepees with a friend who had a wilderness camp. The very visit had been brainstormed on a distant tropical island and set in motion within the very week that my prayers took place in the dark upstairs of my room. Within no more than two days. For many years I continued to believed that God had answered that prayer and I clung to that as a miracle and refused to entertain any other notion. I did not understand how strong the wiles of the devil were and I did not comprehend how much he performed as an angel of light. That his greatest delight was in masquerading as God and taking credit amiss. It was the rudest awaking that I had ever experienced,when I discovered that the devil had fooled me all along. That God had in fact never answered my prayer. Someone else had. I learned a special degree of comprehension overnight and gained another level of hatred for the devil. It was a valuable lesson that I was slow in learning but finally did nearly twenty years later. Did I ever learn that lesson. Really, nothing could have proved harder to swallow in the end because I had been so deceived about that for so long. I had considerably underestimated what the devil could do and what he would do in order to masquerade as God. It would become an integral part of my spiritual growth and awareness and I eventually became acutely discerning when it came to heavenly gifts. If something was not spiritually edifying or spiritually preserving then it was not heaven sent. If it could not ultimately glorify Christ, then it was not of God. Furthermore, if the method or process used was unscriptural then it most certainly would not be from God. A simple yet profound guideline. One to be recognized. I should have been honest with myself many years sooner because the whole thing had produced a myriad of confusions within me even early on. I should have at least realized that later on when I was finally saved. Alas, I did not.
I was eighteen when I first heard live preaching. We ended up meeting a missionary family who became stranded at our home in dangerous weather. That was the beginning of a long and interesting friendship but eventually it became strained when a wolf entered into our circle. It was back then I began to hear the gospel for the first time that I am consciously aware. I recall being primarily welcoming of the Word and interested. My father was saved within that first year and joined that church. I remember being at his baptism and not fully understanding what it was about but glad that I was there. I was sporadically attending their home services, recognizing I deserved hell in a spiritually immature way. I have vivid recollection of never really disagreeing on what the preacher taught. All of it seemed to pretty much make sense to me. It was in this time frame of a couple years, that I wondered if I was saved. I questioned it. I hoped I was. I figured I might be and then I would think that I was not. I continually was not sure and never actually convinced. I was a depressed spirit; not nearly as excited about life as some. Paranoid and fearful of everything that I could not handle. That was almost everything. I was socially crippled and knew I could not take care of myself in such a dastard world. I was long certain that I did not want to bring a child into such a place. When I finally left home, I cast myself into the brutality of civilization and did not fair all that well. I hated myself and hated most of the world. I was lonely and depressed. Worried. Then I found better rent and inadvertently found my first husband who was my landlord, only four months after leaving home. We lived together until we were married a few months later. I didn’t like the idea of our living arrangements but wasn’t about to move out either.
I know I asked for salvation from hell on more than one occasion. It was a pretty far away concept but one that I treated as a strong probability. I understood that sincerity was important yet meant nothing outside of truth. I recognized that I deserved hell in a spiritually immature way. More intellectual than anything in fact. I recall being in humbling but not fully broken states. I did believe the logistics of the gospel and was not void of feeling toward God and because of this I at times felt that I was probably saved. Yet, I had doubts more often than not and I realized there were no fruits. I functioned and comforted myself in a little portion of faith or confidence that I did not seem to have before hearing the gospel. As small as it was. I seemed to understand that without God, I had nothing, but my trust in God was mortifyingly minimal and miserable. Yet, neither did I trust myself. As my confidence in myself and the world continued to decline, my confidence toward God was slowly growing. I assumed I was saved but still had my doubts most of the time. No real evidence. I very occasionally attended services many miles away. When it was convenient. Periodically I was affected, then I would go back to sleep and pretend that all was well, if not with the world, at least with me. Did not understand the real need of attendance or regular teaching. Was a spiritual renegade.
Then in December of 1993, I remember being tremendously broken over everything in my life. Absolutely everything. Alone in my eventless bubble, suffering from social anxiety disorder, nonspecific paranoia, seven grain panic, and a complex array of depression, I knew that no one could rescue me. I was quite sure I was lost, which sent me into further depression. On my good days I hoped I was saved which sedated me through. I was never certain in any case. I turned to God in what I believe for the first time, was complete sincerity. I was begging God to save me from everything I needed saving from. I knew I was not certain of my salvation and I was not certain of anything. At that point I recall knowing that He understood what I needed much better than I did. I was terribly confused and I believed that He had the remedy. Of course, I long understood that everything was through Jesus and that nothing was outside of him. I was far from not understanding the principles of the gospel. It seemed to be quite a lot more than intellectual understanding by now. I was finally being broken by God. I realized not only in my head but also in my heart that I needed Him to rescue me. In all my uncertainty, I was certain about that. So here I was that night, calling out to God to save me from literally EVERYTHING that He knew I needed saving from. I needed Him to cover it all. Still I do not believe that I was saved that night or even that week. I was sealed a month later. I can only guess, that even though I was fully broken that night in late December, I still was not completely willing to be found in the hands of God. Or had I, it would mean that I had been saved that night. For what ever reasons. Perhaps afraid to let go and perhaps even afraid of some personal sacrifice that would have to be made on my part. I do not doubt that being young and also having never really done anything in my life, I was reluctant and dispassionate about having any more rules and regulations placed on me. Of course I had it all turned around the wrong way. The recipe to general survival/success is not by putting God on any shelf for later consideration. And how do I know I was not saved that night? I guess because I did not receive the assurance of the Spirit as I did the next month. Neither did I feel joy afterwards. Neither did I tell anyone I was saved. Neither did I immediately decide to be baptized and start regularly attending services. I was not yet made ‘willing in the day’ by the Spirit of God. I never began to do these things until January.
In the midst of severe depression and only a couple years into my marriage, I was at my wits end and had made an appointment months ahead, to see the only practising hypnotherapist in the countryside. I was reluctant but felt that I had no choice. I was paying sixty an hour so I wanted it to work and I was not playing around. Yet I wondered if I could be successfully hypnotized because many years before my father could not be hypnotized by the renowned magician Ravine. So I went in for an hour long session and he assured me that this cannot happen and that indeed everyone can be tranced. Three hours later, he reluctantly lets me slip out his door, never having gotten past the first of the three stages of hypnosis. I was charged for only one hour. I was set up for another appointment by him in two weeks which I never kept because I ended up regenerated in the meantime. Oddly enough, I met a woman that week who invited me out to a home study group. I was coerced into it by her and was not completely sure at the time what they were because they never said and I did not press. Turns out they were Pentecostals who had their log home on the edge of a little secluded lake. They were wonderful people. Still, I had no real intention of continuing to go because I already considered myself a Baptist and had been long warned about the Charismatics and their Synergistic view of salvation by works. Even though I was not travelling the hundred miles return to my church very often and I was not an actual member, I still considered it to be my church. I know that it would have appeared that my greatest obstacle unto salvation at that point was having faith in God. Of course, I did not have faith because I was not regenerated as yet….but I recall being aware of the fact that I did not have faith and that I could not give it all over to God. In my unregenerate state, I understood for the most part, that I could not cause my salvation to happen….yet I suppose I still was not completely clear on all of that and neither was it any more of an understanding than intellectual. I do recall that much of an understanding. As much as anyone who is yet to be saved. So I went for a couple of nights and the five women and four men separated on different sides of the home into prayer groupings. We were in the front room spilling our hearts out to each other. I cannot remember if the women were praying as yet. It was more a blur to me than anything. What I do remember was, beautiful Joanna with her slight speech impairment, taking both my hands in hers and telling me to give it up to Jesus. Just give it up to Jesus. Give it ALL over to Jesus. I knew she meant everything and I knew she meant it quite literally. I knew what I was supposed to do but I had never been able to do it. Not even close. I was a control freak by nature and had an especially hard time letting go and giving things over to God to take care of. Even if a part of me realized he could do everything better than me since he was my creator after all, I still found it impossible to give it over. Until that night that is. She could not have sounded a more simple message to me. She only said that one thing maybe five to seven times. Something began to happen about that time. Some degree of awakening. The evening there was soon over and I bid them farewell and methodically climbed into my little pink truck, then drove the difficult back road four miles out onto the highway. It was the thirtieth day of January and the weather had turned very cold. To save a great distance home, I was staying the night at the home of my sister-in-law. Since I was coming in very late I quietly found my way to the room that was up the long flight of stairs. It was a cold place and the frost was near showing on the inside of the walls. There were very few blankets. I felt warm inside. There was in fact, a fire within me. I was being carried into another dimension it seemed. An unusual quieting of my soul was taking place. I was unable to say anything. Not even whisper to myself. An awareness had begun to come over me somewhere between being at the cabin and my arrival now at this place. I was grateful that the house had quiet as though I was there alone. I am sure that I must have begun to think that I was alone. It seemed like it. Just me and God. Not a sound but my sporadic breathing. I was so enamoured that I got down low beside the small bed and just stayed there without hardly moving. I remember that I was as rational as I was emotional; a fine balance that I had never maintained. I knew who I needed and who I needed was finally who I wanted. I was so very much caught up in the moment, that as cold as the room was I could not bring myself to climb into the bed. I stayed there for close to two hours before I finally saw fit to climb under the covers in all of my clothes. I laid out flat on my back staring up at the ceiling as though it was actually the sky. I was fully awake and it was now about two hours past midnight. I held my hands together for warmth but also in an almost praying position. I said nothing. I was still beyond words. In my mind, I could hear myself just repeating the name Jesus over and over with long spans of silence in between. Sometimes I was saying God. I was not so much calling, as I was praising. I was unable to stop praising. I never closed my eyes. They were wide open. Whatever I was experiencing, I refused to miss or dismiss. I was entranced. If someone had knocked on the door I would have barely noticed. God made sure no one knocked. I was so embraced by Jesus that I could barely feel the cold of my limbs. My body was frozen but my soul was liquid. Those wee hours were the first time I had ever honestly experienced real faith. For another two hours I remained flat on my back looking  seemingly through the white ceiling. I finally realized that I had permission to fall asleep around four in the morning. I slept peacefully and I awoke about five hours later. I was in the very same position with the same feeling throughout me. It was like only moments had passed. Never lost my train of thought. I was unusually alert. I stayed for a while in that position even though the place was still miserably cold. The body was pretty miserable but my heart was melted. Finally, I arose and found my way to the top of the stairs. I found myself not wanting to go down as yet and so I just sat there at the long flight. I was drinking in absolutely everything and I was perceiving things differently. Nothing seemed the same anymore. The paint on the walls and the carpet under foot. It all seemed more interesting than usual yet I was not really interested in those things at all but rather something that was far beyond them. I reached out and felt the smooth texture of the stairwell but a large part of me knew that I wasn’t feeling the paint really at all. I guess because my spirit was feeling a higher level of awareness through the Spirit of God, so was everything about me including my physicality and intellect. I was especially sensitive yet not especially emotional because there was a profound peace and quieting within me. My own skin felt different. Nothing I touched felt the same. Nothing I saw looked quite the same. My perception is what had changed. I descended those stairs literally as the Spirit moved me. A stair or two at a time, I would slide down and then stay there for many undivided minutes. It took me about two hours to get from the top of the dozen stairs to the bottom. Again, I was alone at the place it was just shy of noon hour. I could tell that the temperature had dropped further and it was closer to forty below zero outside. Twenty below inside. I slowly gathered myself at the bottom of the stairs, got into my boots and coat, and left for the long drive home in what was now brilliant sunlight. Always clear when it was that cold. I spent a day keeping my secret to myself. At first it seemed too precious to share with anyone and then it became too precious to not share. I tried to explain to my now late husband with disappointing effect. I phoned the preacher’s daughter and told her I was finally saved and now I could at last understand what they had always meant by the Spirit regenerating someone. It wasn’t all about feeling but there indeed was feeling. I was given the facts for four years but until that day the Spirit had not entered my soul and I had not seriously desired God. I wanted to be baptized in the waters of the lake where I lived and fortunately that worked out. I remember my father and I discovering saskatoon berries for the first time near the waters edge. I did not know what they were but he knew. There was an interesting mix of charismatics and calvinists and in about the same number. Our church consisted of only about eight people and I had some of the people who were with me at home studies. It was all over pretty quickly. I remember my clothes were so heavy with water when I came back up the hill from the waters edge. I would have gained eight pounds easily. The northern lakes are very cold and that is why I waited until August in the slight hope that the waters would warm some. It was all kind of a blur to me anyway. I was just really glad that I could be baptized in nature and also where I lived. That was really important to me and I feel that God agreed. Obviously, or he would not have allowed it to happen. We had experienced freak snow literally every month of the year where we lived and it could have snowed on that day but happily it never did it. And neither did heavy forest fire smoke come rolling in. I would have still been baptized.
When I did a search a few years ago, I discovered that my given name is supposed to mean ‘sunny meadow’…while my maiden surname meant ‘immortal’, ‘everlasting’, ‘devine one’. Guess there is no such thing as coincidence for those who believe in providence and an omnipotent creator of all the universe. I have fond memories of that first year on earth when I used to be able to sit in the sunny meadow and reflect of my minute existence and all the huge surroundings. There were some mountains behind the field in what I still think of as the east and I was so very attached to them. I loved the whole area we were living. I used to get almost teary eyed in that quiet field looking all around me and into the sky where there was only magnificent clouds. I was so young, I was pretty much only out in the finest weather. I would forget my parents were watching me. When I could not see or hear them, I went into my own private world of natural analysis. The edge of the field was my favorite place to be because I had such a vantage point. I could see so very much of the creation around me. I had an infants body and what seemed like a slightly seasoned soul. I still feel like I had a older perception of these things around me. A profound sense of realizing basic things without being able to put them into words. Without needing to put them into words. Though I have always had an unusual desire to find the words, even so there are no words to properly describe and it defies any common interpretation. I will still persevere to express what is laid on my soul.
In a sense, I was born twice in January. My physical birth was early January and my spiritual birth was late January. The exact hour I was saved, I am not sure. It was not quite like I was struck with lightening or experienced cardiac arrest or anything like that. Though if I had felt the power of those hours combined all at once, I might well have suffered an attack of some kind because what I was feeling was very powerful. I can say that I believe I was sealed by the Spirit sometime after I got alone that night, in my closet so to speak. I am pretty sure that it was between eleven and two in the morning. Specifically between one and two on that last day of January 1994. As vivid as that night was, it all remains a incredible and sensational blur, when trying to separate one moment from the rest. I was not counting at the time or watching any clock. I was far too preoccupied. Certainly, at the point that I was finally aware that I was saved, would have been about the time that I was sealed or I was sealed slightly before; my recognition would of necessity come after my regeneration if only a moment after. I am not aware of a time that evening or even the years before that I did not sense that my salvation was fully dependent upon my God and that, I had not so much been coming to God but that God had been coming to me.  It is said that if we answer the door that Christ stands at, we can be saved…but I conclude that we would never answer that door if Christ did not first knock. We are the clay and not the potter. The clay is a useless clump of matter that cannot move or speak without the potter enabling. We are only instruments that God uses unto righteousness and if He so desires. No one will come to Christ unless God the Father draws him.  A specific and effectual drawing to some. An irresistible grace and by that I mean a grace that we will not continue to always be resisted. A grace that eventually overcomes us and rescues us.

Romans 1:20 “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:”

Psalm 14:1 “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.”

Mark 1:15 “And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.”

Acts 4:12 “Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.”

John 6:65  “And he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father.”

Psalm 110:3  “Thy people shall be willing in the day of thy power, in the beauties of holiness from the womb of the morning: thou hast the dew of thy youth.”

Proverbs 3:5  “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Matthew 6:6  “But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”