From Deep Waters

                                                                                                      

There is mystery in our destiny called providence and to everything there is an absolute season. Never did I think it would happen to me and never was I supposed to know until the appointed time. No one knew such secrets. I was single and I was grounded more than I had ever been in my life and it was no less than a miracle that God had spared me my life from an utterly destructive relationship. The devils tried hard to take the witness from me but they should have realized that the length of my days are not actually appointed by them and neither by man.

It was snowing lightly outside. A cold wind all consuming. An October morning and it was the very last day. I came from a coffee shop and was going down the sidewalk, when I noticed this friend of many years. Alas, he was about to get into his car and so I stopped to say hello. I never saw him more than about every three years. When I did it was always nice. I had known him for over thirty years, the very summer my family moved to the Yukon. Doug was seventeen and I was four. Never mind, I remember that afternoon better than he does. I was always unusually fond of him all through the years but for some reason never obsessed about him or considered him very often, as it seemed so far away. In part because he showed little interest and in part because he was always with someone else. So I was. He was married by the time he was in his late twenties and had two sons thereafter. Then he decided on a divorce after she left them. I was married by then. He ended up with a string of girlfriends. I rarely saw him but always relished the few words that were exchanged. When we met on the street that snowy morning, he was so undivided and I was perplexed to see him that way. In fact, he was reaching out and since I was the only one standing there, I realized he was reaching out to me. A strange concept after so many years of contented neutrality. I had to assume it meant nothing but knew it mean something. I was getting used to demons playing with me, so I determined to deny what I was seeing in order to shield myself from being set up falsely. I knew because I was free again, I would be tempted shortly by the spirits of darkness. I felt that I was at that moment. So I would take the benign approach. Nothing was happening.

I asked if he had an email address. Somehow he found a scrap of tiny paper and a pencil and eagerly and carefully wrote everything down. It was unusually legible. He explained that he was working and managing a remote mining camp into the later fall and had to fly back out in another couple days. I remember feeling disappointed when he told me and then immediately realizing it was a good thing so I would have time to process these peculiar interactions we were having. We emailed and planned to meet that next night at the little coffee house. I had an opening night that I needed to attend at the arts centre so after coffee I formally dragged him along as my ever willing date! It was my nature to drop everything when I first dated but I would not do that this time. I needed him to know that I was not desperate or desiring a relationship in the least. If I was overtly compliant, I would fail to convey that. I was in fact,  slightly incompliant compared to my nature. He did not seem to notice or care. He was far too easy to be entreated and it was a fresh change from where I had been the last few years. As authentic as it was, it hardly seemed real. I pinched myself. I slapped myself. I kicked myself. It was a very fun evening. I was so excited to be in his company because I really was incredibly fond of him and for so very long. I was so freaking petrified as I knew enough about him, to fully realize he was a lost soul. I did not want to deal with another unregenerate man. I knew I would never survive it and it was not a spiritually productive thing. He was the ultimate temptation being cast in my face. I had always coveted his attention in vain. Always the youngest of all the women to have eyes for him. I had no sane choice but to file him far away in the depths of my conscious mind for more than three decades. Now here he was treating me like a queen and calling me his princess. We had gone through so many things yet, we were the same individual spirits we had always been. That could not change as that was our soul.

I was fully braced and knew that I could not fight what was ahead for me. Not alone. A part of me was brave through lack of choice and a part of me wanted to go into reclusion and hide because I was in need of a long rest and not wanting another spiritual battle. I did not want to be caught in the middle of one while good and evil battled it out over me. I knew God would win no matter the outcome but I still felt that I needed my quiet time away from the scene and I was not looking forward to anymore wounds, even if they did ultimately strengthen me. The thing that I did do different than usual, was recognize that I would not hold up to this temptation and I took it all to God that time. I was completely concerned where it would head. I was not half serious at avoiding it. I was completely serious. I was like quoting Scripture on our first date…trying to keep him at a distance because he was coming on incredibly strong. Nearly midnight when we spontaneously decided to have dinner after the stingy exhibition opening. I remember him putting his arm around me in his car and how it felt like I had always known it could feel because I knew his unique energy and spirit. Intoxicating. It was a heavy night and I barely thwarted his advances. Yet you could still tell he was searching desperately and that he was very lonely. The night of our first date was a white out blizzard and I recall thinking how symbolic that was. As much as I was relishing my time with him, I was being thrown into a potentially terrible and dastard storm and I knew I was going to lose all sense of direction if I had not already done so. Given my nature, it was a given. I was glad he was flying out to camp for three weeks. I needed that.

Immediately, we were emailing each other and it was continually. Three and five times a day between work. The satellite phone did not work well so we made only three calls on that in three weeks. The reception was poor at best. We discussed so many things and although much of it is a blur to me, I can call the minute details to surface at any moment because that autumn remains such a milestone in my life as it was for him. The story of him walking across the bridge one disparaging day when his life was quite in ruins; while standing there in solemn reflection, he could distinctly smell what he later identified as mustard seed which could not grow in our area of the world. Within one of our knee deep conversations, I mentioned how we only need faith as a grain of mustard seed, to move the mountains within our lives. And in fact, to literally move mountains. For the reason, that he had never heard that before and it suddenly had significance to him, he recounted his memory of that day at the old wooden bridge. Amazing. Our talks were liquified. Once, I remember him turning extremely emotional on the other end when he realized where he was in his life in relation to Christ. Conviction of his spirit. He drank in every word I spoke and I had a feeling that afterwards, he could remember what I had said even better than I could. I think his memory had turned photographic over the things we discussed. The emails became out of control and we were both staying up until about three each morning despite our work, pounding out email after email to each other. In three weeks we ended up composing around three hundred emails each.

Strange. I had always loathed computers and had never owned one or used one my entire life. Only four weeks prior, I had a sudden impulse come over me to go out and buy a computer. The whole idea seemed quite crazy to me, all the while it was evident that I should have one. It felt necessary, even though I had managed very well for over thirty years without one. I was baffled why I felt that way and completely embarrassed that I owned one. Never told anyone. One morning I woke and had the notion and then two days later, I brought the thing home and began learning the basics quite painlessly. I was beginning to realize why this had mysteriously come over me.

I was concerned that the devil was playing me once again but despite that, the Spirit really did seem to be at work from the beginning. Something of profound proportion was happening for better or worse. It was not mine to know as yet. I was concerned without despair and hopeful without comfort. I made good use of the physical miles between us, to not lose the vision of where I was spiritually and where I wanted to be. With Doug, he seemed to go through growing pains every single day and yet he celebrated, even though he was in a very dark place. He seemed determined to reach the end of some tunnel that he was in or keep swimming from the depths of a deep lake until he could break the daylight surface finally. Desiring to find air. It was fascinating to read his thoughts. It was frightening to realize that his fate was not ultimately in his or my hands. I did not know what any of it meant. I could only surmise which in itself was dangerous. It was vanity for me to assume anything. Neither was it showing patience. I was aware that drawing premature conclusions was spiritual suicide. I was left without option but to stay focused on doing what I knew was right and embracing the experience only one moment at a time. Things were happening so incredibly fast, it was hard to envision a day or even an hour ahead. I fasted and called my father long distance to ask him to also pray. He was gracious and accommodating. He was wise. I felt that God was telling me to bring my father into the equation but no one else for that they would distract our prayers and ultimately become a negative influence. No one. Not even a preacher in this case. For some reason I really seemed to be sent that message and I asked him to not breathe a word to anyone else so he and I could deal with matters as we needed to and without external influences that were questioning as well as questionable. I could not afford the negativity.  I felt it was important for me not to discuss this with anyone else. For our prayers to be unhindered. It was not the season for anyone to know our secret. An earthly trinity of our minds and spirit. I will not forget the sensation running through my entire body, hour after hour and day after day. The nights were cold. So cold…but I could hardly notice for the fire inside of me to see him cross over. I can recall that my limbs were stiff with cold and mental tension and most nights I never even would start the wood stove. I would get along on low oil heat because I was attending to the endless and consuming interaction with him. And prayer. Priorities. Fasting was easy because most of the time I would forget to eat. It was all good and it is often the only way. Four eventful days later into the evening, Doug wrote me and sounded very different. Staid. Quieted. There was an awareness in his written voice and a lifting of his spirit. We had a remarkable conversation just before bed. He described how different so many things seemed to him. New. Still, I could not afford to assume anything. And I did not. I kept myself together. In the morning there was another note waiting for me, in which he described his regeneration in his own unique words. I forgot to breathe that entire morning for fear that I might miss something if only a single word, or that I might not hear the Spirit of God speaking to me about him. I positively froze when I read his words. Yet I was sure of nothing. I asked God how I could address querying him further and I was indeed given the words. I could not afford to offend him but I also owed it to him and myself, to analyze what he was saying to me. So, I sent two notes to him within four hours and he graced through them and satisfied my own spirit of concern. I was indeed resolved that he was sealed in the Spirit of God, for he was communicating in ways that only someone regenerated would and he knew things that only the Spirit should reveal to him. There was this remarkable calm about him revealed through his words and suddenly he had a measure of blind faith that I did not even have after eleven years. I perceived a new man and reassured him that I was convinced of his miraculous conversion from his own testimony. I started to remember to breathe once again and it felt like the colour was coming back to my face. I had not missed a beat for thirteen days through thick and thin, through sleep deprivation and worldly distraction I was kept. And the climax of my involvement was that morning he claimed his salvation in letter to me. That was where I could have passed out and then slept for a solid week. I did not quit and I spent that afternoon in serious reflection and absolute awe of God and how He sends miracles down from the heavenly skies to awaken us once again from our mindless sleepwalking through the valley of the dead.

I was now celebrating from within my entire being. He was rescued from the depths. I was freed from the trial and I could not believe how fast God had decided to bring us through our fire. In three weeks, he had swept us through our trial, that might have consumed the rest of our days. That might have consumed him spiritually and consumed me physically. I had been used as an instrument unto the salvation of a soul. Someone who I already cared for. Someone who I would not have to deny my feelings for and was free to marry. Someone who God was intending me to marry all along the course of our lives. This I now knew and was so overwhelmed that I would be sent this man from God. I had not known this kind of elation since the day I was first sealed in the Spirit myself. I knew that God was shining down on us despite who we were and not because of who we were and I understood the essence of what grace was probably about as much as anyone could. Our God was sovereign and no one causes him to move his hand without his approval. No one draws toward God without heavenly empowerment.

Suddenly I wanted to see the place where it was determined he was to be saved. Alone in his cabin in the wilds. I knew that if I did not go straight away to this place, I never would have the proper opportunity. For some reason, it was important. I needed to analyze everything that was happening before us. I also wanted to see him and did not want to wait another ten days for his final return from the mining camp. He arranged a flight for me to catch that week and the weather was poor, so I had to wait an extra day. I would normally never consider flying that time of year but I had a mission to see this regenerated man at last. Knowing the enemy would love to see that plane come down, I prayed to stay well in the air and consoled myself while in mid air, that ‘what soever is not of faith is of sin’. It was the most beautiful flight over an endless cascade of rugged mountains covered in fresh deep snow. A nice pilot. The very most experienced one the camp manager could find. He sent his favourite pilot out to chauffeur me into those rugged ranges that encircled the little lake. Wolverine Lake. Camp Wolverine was a mining exploration for zinc. It was out there we were engaged, yet only after we were already discussing our wedding plans. Things were happening so fast. There was not a moment that we questioned it in the will of God for we absolutely knew from the depths of our being, that it was. It was something that went without saying.

There was this image I discovered of a dark partially frozen lake in the early morning light and it was unusual in that, when I saw it from the very first time, it spoke to me internally and unexplainably. Something I could not put my finger on. I had to send it to him. There were early morning shades of pink and of pale violet. A new thin layer of glass ice covering only half of the lake, signifying the precariousness of life. The lake was this place to drown in. Above the waters was an emotional vision of the most peaceful yet exotic mountains one could ever see. It was a simple scene. Simply profound. I discovered it within hours of his regeneration and knew sometime later, that it was a perfect visual of his whole experience. The image was absolutely serene and somehow to me, an image of his very salvation. He wrote me back and described how that when he looked into the image, he envisioned being in those waters under the ice and unable to fully reach the surface where daylight broke. That he was prevented from seeing the truth his whole life, by this thin wall of ice and now it seemed as though he had reached the open water where the ice had yet to form. Only hours later, I learned that the origin of his name actually means ‘from out of dark waters and thusly, no longer in dark waters.

We were engaged in three weeks from the time of our one date and we were married by my own father three months later in January. We were married in my home at the lake with only five other people in attendance. We wrote our own vows as poetry to one another and exchanged gold and green garnet rings. It was important to have my father marry us because he was the world’s greatest father and of course because of his integral part in the salvation of Doug. He was meant to be an instrument for righteousness. There was absolutely no one else I wanted to marry us or that I felt was spiritually qualified in the area. We lived in a place with a small population and few churches and there was not one church in near a thousand miles, that was doctrinally sound and that I would have considered performing our marriage. Neither did I want a paper pushing justice of the peace. It was around that time, I learned that pretty much anyone can perform a legal marriage and that we only needed the legality of it and our public vows before God. Nothing more was required. We were married just a few minutes after one o’clock on a very clear afternoon. The reason it was very clear, was in part, because it was very cold. I can say that I hardly noticed and I do not think that he did either. Some people never showed to the reception which we held closer to town, because of the frigid temperatures. Then in the later afternoon, the entire area suffered a huge power failure. We joked that we caused the failure. The blackout lasted for about three hours and when it grew dark, people lit candles to see and tried not to bang into one another or scare one another. We were at a rustic log resort built on a hill overlooking a field. The brave people showed before the sun went down and we had tons of fun with them, some of whom we had not seen for many years. Some were able to go for sleigh rides on the property and my parents were among them. Not withstanding the temperature, it was exhilarating. I had decided on decorating our three-tier marble cheese cake with my white homemade chocolates. They glued to the buttercream icing just perfectly and not one fell away. It was smothered yet somehow maintained giving an elegant and artistic impression. For most of our guests, the exotic cake was too rich to eat which left most of it for us. Our official photographer was a neighbor and friend who was saved about five weeks after Doug. We battled a few physical things around the time of our wedding and my groom had just healed from a pronounced eye infection, only a few days before. In fact his eye was still not quite healed. I came down with a virus that I could just begin to see the effect on one area of my side the very morning of the wedding. I felt fine. The next day was another matter. We came very close to having had to postpone our wedding for another two months, had the heavens not secured our day for us. It was obvious, that not every force wanted to see us married. That autumn and early winter was the most spiritually pronounced season of my life and it was a very powerful time. It was through our weakness and recognition of our weakness that God in all his strength was revealed in our lives.

It was a mysterious and beautiful whirlwind of a romance that was predestined in heaven before the foundation of the world. Our union was sealed in the heavenlies somewhere before time. He has been my prince of poetry, prayer, passion, and absolute promise. I am finally with someone of like faith and convictions. No woman could be married to a more perfect man in this imperfect world. Our time together seems so short and I do not deserve him. I regret the daily distractions that come between us but I suppose these also serve as some kind of spiritual growth for us also. I wish I was around him more. He is a rough gem that is being washed and polished by the current of nature and the overseeing of the heavenlies.